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I need help


ZoSoRose

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Hey everyone,

I know a few of you know I have had relaionship issues, but that is not the only thing I am struggling with so I decided to make a thread.

I graduated from college in May and was lucky enough to score a job I had been going for since February. This job is as a college adviser in a high school through an organization called the National College Advisers. Basically it is a 1-2 year comittment where you are placed in a high school and you work as a college adviser to the students. Its great because its sort of a transition job after you get your bachelor's degree and it prepares you for the next step. Its great experience too and it pays enough to get by on.

Anyways, my ex, Sam (fuck, it is so unnatural saying that) and I had been dating over 4 years by the time everything went bad. As a bit of background, we met freshman year of college and started going out towards the very end. The first year was really tough because I moved home for the year to go to community college. We managed to make things work long distance and by the next year when I moved back to university, we were inseperable. The funny thing is, I didn't really want to be with her when we first began but along the way, we developed an increadible bond and a connection that a lot of people don't even get to experience. I am really grateful for that. We were not only partners, but we became the best of friends. We did get too codependant on one another, and she did/is struggle with anxiety and depression. As a result, I kind of babied her too much. I was so worried about protecting her I didn't realize that sometimes it was ok to let the world hurt you so you could grow from it. We had other issues too, intimacy became big a problem. She was always worried that I was her first love and she was scared of that. That crushed my confidence and as a result of it, we had issues. Of course, there were other issues as well. We always just put these on the backburner and I wish we worked on them in the moment... Still, despite these problems, the good far outweighed the bad. Our families became each other's families, our friends became each other's friends, and we were always that one stable unit, and everyone knew it.

Well, things got really terrible this summer. We started fighting a lot, and before I left for my job, things exploded and she decided she needed a break. I knew that meant we probably wouldn't make it, but I went through with it because I had to fight. These past few months have been hell for me, and now she just officially ended things. It wasn't even a bad breakup, she came up to my place. We fought a bit, cried a bit, and she even slept over one last time. I may sound like an idiot here, but I really think we are still meant to be. We have so many issues, and these past few months have been terrible, but it doesn't erase all of the positivity and the home we built together over the years. I know there is nothing I can do, a relationship takes two people, but I am just so scared. I can't just "move on", I didn't just lose a girlfriend, she became family to me. I am not ready to imagine my life without her in it.

Which leads me to my other point, I am in a new town with a new job (well, its been a few months now), and I am misserable. I am doing my best, working hard, trying to do things on weekends, and pursuing hobbies and interests, but it doesn't bring me any happiness. All of my coworkers are older and there is no opportunity to meet friends there. Its also a small town so there isn't any way to really meet people. I either sit in my apartment alone on weekends or drive off to the ends of the state to be with friends or family, which doesn't really make me happy anyways. I just can't believe I went from living with and seeing with someone I thought was my soulmate everyday, to being miserable and alone. And that doesn't mean I haven't made progress. Hell, I've been losing weight, getting my anger under control, trying to be a more forgiving and easy going person, and focusing on myself. Its been showing too, even Sam saw it. I am also a confidant person, I know I am a good guy, and I know life won't always be like this- but it still sucks knowing that the next few years of my life are going to be like this. And despite all of this, I am not angry at Sam. In fact, I love her exactly the same as I always have. I hope she finds happiness and is safe. I just wish there was something I could do, I want to fight for us more but maybe there just isn't anything to fight for anymore. Its rough too because our lives will always overlap. I am not ready to give up her family, and her best friend is my best friend's sister (whom she met through me). She isn't a bad person, though, she is just lost too.

Sorry for the fucking novel, I just am a lost soul right now

Edited by ZoSoRose
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Fuck fighting man, don't scramble and grasp and be all scatty about trying to get her back, just lay back, relax, take this time to learn to enjoy your own company and just let some time pass, get out more, go to bars, you like a drink right? Well there's how to meet people in your small town, go to bars, go to gigs. I dunno why but from what I've read she sounds like she might be knocking on your door at some point anyway but don't hound the bitch and then make her feel kinda edgy towards you.

You're gonna be alright kid, probably every second yahoo on this forum has been through something similar and i don't mean to say that to kinda like, trivialise your situation I just mean in the sense that there is sort of a template to how to get through this kinda shit.

Put simply there was something in your life that filled up a lotta room and occupied a lot of space in your affections and took up a lot of your energy...and now it ain't there no more, well good, then here comes the fun part, getting out there and finding something else to fill that space...and i don't necessarily mean a bird although I'm not eliminating the option i just mean anything, now you're unencumbered just go out there and go try all the shit you wanted to do in your life that circumstances hindered, go on a roadtrip, go sky-diving, i dunno, you tell me, whats in that head of yours, follow it.

i know that all sounds like some kinda massive remedy to a mid-life crisis but thats it, just simplify the equation....something was there, now it ain't, now we find something to replace it.

No one never found nothing sitting around at home watching the telly except the remote, you need to just purposely insert yourself (oo, err) into as many different situations as possible, maybe some that are outside of your sphere of experience, thats how you find out new things about yourself and meet new people etc etc.

Edited by Lennie Godber
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Fuck fighting man, don't scramble and grasp and be all scatty about trying to get her back, just lay back, relax, take this time to learn to enjoy your own company and just let some time pass, get out more, go to bars, you like a drink right? Well there's how to meet people in your small town, go to bars, go to gigs. I dunno why but from what I've read she sounds like she might be knocking on your door at some point anyway but don't hound the bitch and then make her feel kinda edgy towards you.

You're gonna be alright kid, probably every second yahoo on this forum has been through something similar and i don't mean to say that to kinda like, trivialise your situation I just mean in the sense that there is sort of a template to how to get through this kinda shit.

Put simply there was something in your life that filled up a lotta room and occupied a lot of space in your affections and took up a lot of your energy...and now it ain't there no more, well good, then here comes the fun part, getting out there and finding something else to fill that space...and i don't necessarily mean a bird although I'm not eliminating the option i just mean anything, now you're unencumbered just go out there and go try all the shit you wanted to do in your life that circumstances hindered, go on a roadtrip, go sky-diving, i dunno, you tell me, whats in that head of yours, follow it.

i know that all sounds like some kinda massive remedy to a mid-life crisis but thats it, just simplify the equation....something was there, now it ain't, now we find something to replace it.

Thanks, Len. I haven't been hounding her. Fighting means doing what I can to try and save us. I didn't want to go on a break, but I accepted it and respected her space. I hope she does come around one day. It could be years, or never, and that is terrifying. Or, we might just grow apart more than we already have. Also terrifying.

I have been trying to fill this space up, though. So far the one cool thing has been jamming with Mike420 and some other guys. But yeah, I just cant stop thinking about her. I've been through heartbreak before but not on this level. And I'm still in shock its us that fell apart. I know everyone goes through this, but damn if it doesn't hurt.

EDIT- And its hard for me to do the whole bar thing idk. I don't know anyone here so what do I do? Just go alone?

Edited by ZoSoRose
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Fuck fighting man, don't scramble and grasp and be all scatty about trying to get her back, just lay back, relax, take this time to learn to enjoy your own company and just let some time pass, get out more, go to bars, you like a drink right? Well there's how to meet people in your small town, go to bars, go to gigs. I dunno why but from what I've read she sounds like she might be knocking on your door at some point anyway but don't hound the bitch and then make her feel kinda edgy towards you.

You're gonna be alright kid, probably every second yahoo on this forum has been through something similar and i don't mean to say that to kinda like, trivialise your situation I just mean in the sense that there is sort of a template to how to get through this kinda shit.

Put simply there was something in your life that filled up a lotta room and occupied a lot of space in your affections and took up a lot of your energy...and now it ain't there no more, well good, then here comes the fun part, getting out there and finding something else to fill that space...and i don't necessarily mean a bird although I'm not eliminating the option i just mean anything, now you're unencumbered just go out there and go try all the shit you wanted to do in your life that circumstances hindered, go on a roadtrip, go sky-diving, i dunno, you tell me, whats in that head of yours, follow it.

i know that all sounds like some kinda massive remedy to a mid-life crisis but thats it, just simplify the equation....something was there, now it ain't, now we find something to replace it.

Thanks, Len. I haven't been hounding her. Fighting means doing what I can to try and save us. I didn't want to go on a break, but I accepted it and respected her space. I hope she does come around one day. It could be years, or never, and that is terrifying. Or, we might just grow apart more than we already have. Also terrifying.

I have been trying to fill this space up, though. So far the one cool thing has been jamming with Mike420 and some other guys. But yeah, I just cant stop thinking about her. I've been through heartbreak before but not on this level. And I'm still in shock its us that fell apart. I know everyone goes through this, but damn if it doesn't hurt.

Your jamming with Mike420?!?! Well there you fuckin' go man, there's a solution in and of itself. I wanna see gigs gentlemen, gigs, sooner rather than later! Shit, if you ever want anything to take up your whole life a band is the way to go, get on the Zep jockin' motherfuckers case and get something going! :)

Also, about the 'years or never' bit. Lemme tell you something, nobody EVER pined over anyone for years except on the telly. Thats never. Unless we're talking about someone lost in a tragedy, no one was never in love and then spent the rest of their lives sitting in the sun dreaming about their other after the shit went south, even if they felt like they might for the first few months, thaaaat shit don't happen and it ain't gonna happen to you, trust me.

Edited by Lennie Godber
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Fuck fighting man, don't scramble and grasp and be all scatty about trying to get her back, just lay back, relax, take this time to learn to enjoy your own company and just let some time pass, get out more, go to bars, you like a drink right? Well there's how to meet people in your small town, go to bars, go to gigs. I dunno why but from what I've read she sounds like she might be knocking on your door at some point anyway but don't hound the bitch and then make her feel kinda edgy towards you.

You're gonna be alright kid, probably every second yahoo on this forum has been through something similar and i don't mean to say that to kinda like, trivialise your situation I just mean in the sense that there is sort of a template to how to get through this kinda shit.

Put simply there was something in your life that filled up a lotta room and occupied a lot of space in your affections and took up a lot of your energy...and now it ain't there no more, well good, then here comes the fun part, getting out there and finding something else to fill that space...and i don't necessarily mean a bird although I'm not eliminating the option i just mean anything, now you're unencumbered just go out there and go try all the shit you wanted to do in your life that circumstances hindered, go on a roadtrip, go sky-diving, i dunno, you tell me, whats in that head of yours, follow it.

i know that all sounds like some kinda massive remedy to a mid-life crisis but thats it, just simplify the equation....something was there, now it ain't, now we find something to replace it.

Thanks, Len. I haven't been hounding her. Fighting means doing what I can to try and save us. I didn't want to go on a break, but I accepted it and respected her space. I hope she does come around one day. It could be years, or never, and that is terrifying. Or, we might just grow apart more than we already have. Also terrifying.

I have been trying to fill this space up, though. So far the one cool thing has been jamming with Mike420 and some other guys. But yeah, I just cant stop thinking about her. I've been through heartbreak before but not on this level. And I'm still in shock its us that fell apart. I know everyone goes through this, but damn if it doesn't hurt.

Your jamming with Mike420?!?! Well there you fuckin' go man, there's a solution in and of itself. I wanna see gigs gentlemen, gigs, sooner rather than later! Shit, if you ever want anything to take up your whole life a band is the way to go, get on the Zep jockin' motherfuckers case and get something going! :)

Also, about the 'years or never' bit. Lemme tell you something, nobody EVER pined over anyone for years except on the telly. Thats never. Unless we're talking about someone lost in a tragedy, no one was never in love and then spent the rest of their lives sitting in the sun dreaming about their other after the shit went south, even if they felt like they might for the first few months, thaaaat shit don't happen and it ain't gonna happen to you, trust me.

Yeah, its awesome! He's a really good guitar player. Hopefully we will get our shit down tight and get some gigs.

But yeah, I know. That isn't what I meant. What I meant was like, meeting up one day and a "right time, right place" sort of thing. If somethings meant to be its meant to be, I guess. I can't dwell on that, though.

I honestly think I want her in my life though one day, even as friends. I don't know if that's possible but damn, I shared everything with her.

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And it still might come to pass man...but for the while just consider yourself on extended vacation until something transpires. And hey, if you were fighting a bit too thats a sign of something, that couldn't've been fun right?

Also, if thats you in your avatar with ol' Top Hat then you and Mike 420 were born to be in a band together, you both look like big grizzly hard-nosed American folk music playing motherfuckers :lol:

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And it still might come to pass man...but for the while just consider yourself on extended vacation until something transpires. And hey, if you were fighting a bit too thats a sign of something, that couldn't've been fun right?

Also, if thats you in your avatar with ol' Top Hat then you and Mike 420 were born to be in a band together, you both look like big grizzly hard-nosed American folk music playing motherfuckers :lol:

Yeah, I guess I am done fighting for her now. I'm so drained.

And yup! Met Slash a few years ago. Nice chap. And Mike and I play LOUD. Feels good, man

Edited by ZoSoRose
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Sorry you are having a crap time :-( I think Lennie has given you some good advice, I know it's a massive cliche but time is a good healer and in six months time you might look back on everything with different eyes. Very few people end up together forever with their first love and I don't think relationships at the age you are at should be such hard work. If you both struggle to make it work now imagine what it would be like with the pressure of a young family and mounting bills to pay.

You seem like a decent guy, hard working and you have a lot going for you. Take your time and have some fun and when you meet someone who is right hopefully you will realise that a strong relationship doesn't mean intense codependancy and it's okay to maintain separate friends and interests.

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May I suggest stepping out of your comfort zone? Go into places you normally wouldnt, make a new network of friends etc... It will help get you out of your head. Try to stay in the moment.

It's not easy but it does help, I went through similiar thoughts and feelings when I split with my ex of 7 years.

Good luck.

Spiral Out....Keep Going....

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What I know is that no amount of "logical" arguing / action will make her change her mind, it will only push her further away and make her resent you.

As painful as it may be, my advice is to stop contacting her immediately and start healing.

Exes, especially those with whom you have had a significant relationship and a "peaceful" breakup, start questionning their decision right when you start moving on.

Also, don't settle for friendship if that's not what you really want.

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I think everyone here can share a heart break story. We've all survived, and lived to talk about it. When you lose someone you've loved, it can feel like a death, and it's perfectly normal to go thru a grieving stage. Like it was mentioned though, it does take time to get thru that and heal. It will come eventually, even if it doesn't feel like it ever will. There's no time frame, everyone goes at their own pace.

You're doing the right things, finding other ways to occupy your time and immersing yourself into activities you enjoy. Just take it day by day. She was your world because you allowed it. Now you have control again. It may hurt every morning when you wake up and think of her. realize that you won't be speaking to her that day, but you somehow manage to get out of bed, go to work, meet up with a friend and jam, and go about daily life. That in itself is an accomplishment and shows you haven't completely given up. It's so cheesy and cliché, but don't focus on what ended, look towards the new beginning. You're already doing it, even if you don't realize it.

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Short answer: Time will heal it.

It happened to me back in late 2012 and I even saw who I thought was the love of my life with another dude, I dated her for 6 years. Well, I was completely depressed for 1 month until I decided to move on with my life. Before that, I contacted her, tried to talk to her, told her she was making a mistake. It was useless, she was with another person and didn't give a shit about me. Three months later I realized I fucked it up and I deserved the pain I suffered. Time helped me see things clearer and I understood why things went down the way they did. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. What I did to her throughout the years and how I treated her was the reason why she left me, she gave me one million opportunities and somehow, unconsciously, I thought I would get another one.

Few months later, I found another girl who I really love now, and I promised to myself that I had to change what I did wrong, and it worked. We couldn't be happier, she's not only my girlfriend, she's my best friend. Anyways, funny thing is, my ex-girlfriend contacted me few months ago, telling me she missed me, that she realized I was the love of her life and blah, blah, I respectfully told her that I will always love her for what she was in my life and that I was sorry for what I did and who I was with her but I had moved on and she had to too.

See, for a brief period of time I thought "I just can't live without her!", fact is, I could and I can. I'm a happy person now and I hold no grudges against my ex whatsoever, I wish her all the best. I felt a bit bad when she told me that she was sad that I was able to be the man she always wanted me to be with and for another girl, not just for her. I still feel bad about it but things happened for a reason, there's nothing I can do about it. I offered her my friendship but she declined it. Oh well.

That's what you gotta do, man. That's my advice. If she knocks on your door one of these days and you're free to open it, that's cool. Just don't wait for that knock to happen, because it probably never will. You'll find happiness in the end. It's up to you.

Edited by Nosaj Thing
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Love is the absolutely worst thing that could happen to you. Love leads to hope, which ultimately leads to disappointments, which in turn leads to depression. Avoid it as best as you can and your life will be better.

That's the best advice I can give you.

Edited by Satanisk_Slakt
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Hey everyone I'm with friends today so i cant respond much till later.

I just want to say thanks! Lots of great advice :)

I know I'll get through this and i know she will too. It sounds fucked but a part of ne is proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone and finding herself. I wish her no ill will.

Abd nosaj, i did plenty wrong over the years but i did a lot right. So did she. Im proud if the wotk we put into us

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I think the hardest part of dealing with such a break up is accepting that someone who once genuinely loved you is now genuinely indifferent towards you. i would suggest accept that this is how it is. Someone you loved is now gone. And the void that she has left WILL fade away. For me, when it was my first break up, devastating as it was, i deleted all her texts, pics, threw away her gifts...stoped checking my mobile every few minutes to see if there was a txt , and quitley distanced myself from her friends. 4 months later i was in a happier relationship. It will all work out. Everyone has diffrent methods to deal with grief. Some people like to go into a shell and cry it out. And that is perfectly normal and healthy. But the healing and the gradual moving on will only start once they have accepted the reality that the girl is gone and she is never coming back. Not that you havnt accepted that.

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ZoSo, is this the woman that stayed out late with the guy from Target?

Yes

I know this is really painful, but everyone that tells you time will help, they're right. It will get better. This is for the best.

Maybe too, you are romanticizing the past a little now that's it's over. Does that make sense? Don't forget the target guy. Remember how you felt about those times and perhaps it will make it easier. A relationship shouldn't be that difficult.

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