The love/sex/relationship thread

[Graeme]

On 03/07/2016 at 10:02 PM, Len B'stard said:

I gotta say it sounds pretty skill.  Having said that, i feel like thumping you for not getting her number, fuckssake man!  I mean why would that not occur to you, was your volcano erupting that badly?!?  

Let that be a lesson to you though man, you're a sexy motherfucker, you could probably seal the deal 8 times out of 10 if you were a bit more confident about it, its always blown my fuckin' mind why you aint confident, you got everything going for ya, you're clever as fuck, you look cool, you play in a band, you seem a genuinely REALLY fuckin' nice guy from whatever a forum can tell ya, corroborated by those on here that have met ya, you must seem REALLY fuckin' un-keen to the birds to not find the back of the net.  

And who cares if you're moving out of town, you aint going to the Sudan are ya, find out who she was, was it a party or something, surely you could ask someone?  

Either way i predict some serious fuckin' clunge in your future, thats a fuckin' sign of something that is, pulling a cracker like that out of the blue, trust me, Lenstradamus aint often wrong about these things

I think a complete lack of understanding of (among other things) the cultural burden of expectation on men to be pro-active and lack of experience related to this.

I've always had pals who were lassies since I was a wee boy, not necessarily girls I fancied but just friends, it's kinda why I hear that whole "When Harry Met Sally" line about guys and girls being incapable of being friends because the guy invariably wants more and think bullshit. Because, from a young age, girls were just people I hung around with, I thought that when it came to attraction etc. they would just be the same as me, driven by the same expectations and attracted to the same personality traits.

Another thing that hanging around with girls (and my Mum and Dad) engendered in me was a respect for women as people. I'm not saying that most guys don't respect women However in my particular case I came to despise the kind of guys who approach women like predators, who try to "get in about a lassie" as we say up here. You know, dance-floor creeps, guys whose hands wander where they shouldn't, guys who catcall, guys who assign girls "numbers" depending on how they look etc. So, I kinda tried to be the reverse of that, whenever I met a girl, even if I really liked her, I would take pains to not be "getting in about" her because I hated the idea of being a chauvinistic creep. I always thought something would "just happen" one day, but was uncomfortable with the idea of making it happen.

This carried over into nights-out etc. I remember on one of the first nights-out we went on at University, @AxlsRocketQueen telling me she thought that I seemed really aloof and disinterested with everyone on the dancefloor, much more preoccupied with my own dancing than the people around me. I guess this was completely accurate, but I didn't really understand the full implications of it at the time.

It wasn't til earlier this year when I was chatting to the girl I mentioned in the long post to Soul up above (everything I said up there applies as well, perhaps I was too busy being in love with her and doing nothing about it to use my teens as the time when I should have been trying to have a bit of fun) and she said to me that since she was 15 she'd always had the option of being in a relationship with someone if she wanted to. Doesn't mean she always has, sometimes she's been single for years but she's always had the choice and she explained to me that she reckons it's because guys are the ones expected to put themselves out there.

I'd never even thought of it like that. Her experience ran so contrary to mine, where I was never aware of having any options, so my conclusion had always been that nobody wanted me, that I wasn't attractive enough, that girls just didn't see me as potential boyfriend material, which didn't exactly encourage me to put myself out there more... And when I did ask girls out on dates, even when they said yes, that doubt remained and that discomfort with 'getting in about' someone, that belief that if I tried to kiss them or anything then they'd freak out and slap me or something probably meant I gave off very strange vibes and ended up seeming like I was totally disinterested. I wasn't, I just had no idea what I was doing.

That was even the case on Saturday night, I was out with a group of lads who kept going to the bar to get drinks or going outside for air and whenever we returned to the dancefloor, this girl and her friends would inevitably gravitate to where we were and start dancing next to me, the first few times I didn't think anything of it, but by the fourth time, I thought "I wonder", I turned and met her eyes, next I knew she was kissing me. Didn't require much on my part and if it had then nothing would have happened probably. I had my hand on the small of her back, but she didn't want it there. Y'know it's totally inappropriate to touch a lassie's arse... until it's not... but that's never something I would have done on my own.

She left the floor for a seat and I offered to buy her a drink, but she said she reckoned she'd probably had enough and we sat and talked for the next 2 1/2 hours but that moment of animal passion had gone and all my doubts were back, so when we realised that all our respective friends had left the club and it was time to go home, I kissed her on the cheek and said an awkward goodbye. Then got about 5 minutes up the road and thought "Graeme, you're a fucking moron!" I know enough about her that if I wanted to get in touch, I could, but I dunno if I'd just look weird or creepy doing that. I've moved back to Scotland, so I'm 200 miles away, not exactly Sudan as you say, but it's not just up the road in Morecambe either...

On 04/07/2016 at 0:15 AM, Dazey said:

See, from any other bloke I'd say that was making excuses if I didn't know you better.  Well done buddy!

If I drank, this shit would probably have been easier, I think the fact that I knew exactly what I was doing made me very aware of the fact that I had no idea what I was doing. Being drunk probably makes you a bit more animalistic.

14 hours ago, Whiskey Rose said:

Hey @Graeme I'm with Len on this one...you need to Own It! You are a volcanologist, hello! -- that is super sexy..and I just saw the pic you posted where I think you were at a wedding...you are gorgeous. You know, I can tell you are a sensitive guy, so the search for a woman who appreciates that can be a bit harder than most, but in the meantime, there is nothing wrong with having a bit of fun and exploring all the benefits of being young and single  Btw, what is happening with the girl you mentioned above..is she coming back?

Thank you! That's really lovely of you to say! As I explained above, I've really had no idea if I'm an attractive man or not for most of my life and total lack of experience in my mid-20's hasn't filled me with confidence, but Saturday showed me the leagues I can apparently play in... Blew my mind a bit. It was like something out of a movie.

It looks like the girl I mentioned above is staying in Aus for the time being, I haven't asked her, but she's mentioned something on Facebook about doing a course in Tasmania next spring, which suggests to me she'll just stay out there.

[Uncle Bob]

On 5/7/2016 at 6:20 PM, RQRQ said:

I have bolded the bits that jumped out at me.  I know it takes two to make a relationship work but it seems to me like you had someone who loved you very much. You had already previously ended the relationship because you were not ready for a relationship- even though you got back together that will have bruised her ego and it is probably a feeling that she will never forget. That said, she loved you enough to get back in a relationship with you because she was 'so good to you'.

Jobs & life create stress and these things happen, its how you deal with them when it does. It would seem she had had enough and decided to break up with you.

All you can do now is move on. Whether you will get back together should not be on your mind (easier said than done, I know). Space and not having contact will help ease her resentment and hurt but she will more than likely be making changes to herself and may well move on and decide the relationship is not worth a 3rd try.

Use this time to think about whether you actually do want to be with her or if you are just feeling lonely.  And think about if these problems were to arise again in any future relationships how you would act differently.

If you do get in contact with her again be sure what you want because there is nothing worse- male or female, than someone who doesn't know what they want.

Fell better soon.

Hey, thank you so much. I know that I must not think about getting back with her, but it's a possibility that I just can't take out of my mind.
The relationship we had in 2012 wasn't even a proper relationship, it was a thing that only lasted 2 months. When I started to see her in 2013, 14 months after it, she was still a bit resentful, but in a couple of weeks, seeing me and knowing more from me... we become best friends. So I don't think what happened in 2012 was so hard for her as this.

The relationship that we had from 2014 to 2016 it's a real and mature relationship, so I don't know if she would do the same this time. 

She feels very guilty about this, and she hates herself, but she can't control her feelings, and I guess that is normal after so many conflicts between the two of us. But my question is, even if I don't have to think about this, would be possible if, after losing all her resentment, she would love me again? or that's something that just happens in series like Friends or How I met your mother? lol.
I don't want to see this as the only possibility, I know I have to move on, but I just want to know if it's possible.

[SoulMonster]

@Graeme,

There is a thick line between being a misogynic asshole and showing girls you are interested in them sexually. You have to figure this out or the only girls that you will get are the bold ones who will kiss you on the dance floor when it finally dawns on you that they like you.

From what you write I kinda get the impression that you somehow find, or found, it disrespectful to women to come on to them. It isn't, unless you do it wrong. Be kind, show interest, be charming, and when she wants you to take the next step -- unless she doesn't do it herself -- you have to not only realize this but also act on it. She wants it, you want it. Just do it. You can't just keep on second guessing their intention and desires, and be so afraid to do something wrong that you don't dare to do anything at all. There is nothing gallant about being afraid and self-doubting.

I think you got the theory down, now you just need to man up and dare to take the move.

Trust an older guy who has been just like you.

[Lithium]

@GraemeFrom what I've read, girls find you nice and funny to be around, but that's it. I think that's because your communication with them never escalate to flirting or touching. If you are interested in a woman, at some point you have to reveal your intentions. It sounds like you've basically just been too afraid to show them that you're interested early on, then become nothing more than a friendly guy to them. Don't be afraid to take a chance and touch her hand or have a flirtatious tone - you won't get anywhere unless you take that chance. The worst thing that can happen is that she'll reject you. 

 

Kissing her on the cheek at the end of the night in an attempt to "be a gentleman and respect her" when she clearly wants the dick is just silly. She's not a delicate little flower, she's a grown woman with needs and desires. And guess what? She's not in a club because she "wants to dance and have fun with the girls", she's there because she wants to meet a guy that will take her home and fuck her. If you won't do that, then I guarantee you someone else will by the end of the night. 

Edited July 7, 2016 by Lithium

[Graeme]

4 hours ago, Lithium said:

@GraemeFrom what I've read, girls find you nice and funny to be around, but that's it. I think that's because your communication with them never escalate to flirting or touching. If you are interested in a woman, at some point you have to reveal your intentions. It sounds like you've basically just been too afraid to show them that you're interested early on, then become nothing more than a friendly guy to them. Don't be afraid to take a chance and touch her hand or have a flirtatious tone - you won't get anywhere unless you take that chance. The worst thing that can happen is that she'll reject you. 

 

Kissing her on the cheek at the end of the night in an attempt to "be a gentleman and respect her" when she clearly wants the dick is just silly. She's not a delicate little flower, she's a grown woman with needs and desires. And guess what? She's not in a club because she "wants to dance and have fun with the girls", she's there because she wants to meet a guy that will take her home and fuck her. If you won't do that, then I guarantee you someone else will by the end of the night. 

I don't disagree with you. In fact I think I say pretty much what you've said in my post, Len just said he had no idea why confidence was a problem for me, so I gave him the best explanation I could. I'm not making excuses for myself, though anything I do I generally try and do with the best intentions. I guess the difference between excuses and reasons comes down entirely to validity.

[RQRQ]

On 7/7/2016 at 1:09 AM, Raykugen said:

Hey, thank you so much. I know that I must not think about getting back with her, but it's a possibility that I just can't take out of my mind.
The relationship we had in 2012 wasn't even a proper relationship, it was a thing that only lasted 2 months. When I started to see her in 2013, 14 months after it, she was still a bit resentful, but in a couple of weeks, seeing me and knowing more from me... we become best friends. So I don't think what happened in 2012 was so hard for her as this.

The relationship that we had from 2014 to 2016 it's a real and mature relationship, so I don't know if she would do the same this time. 

She feels very guilty about this, and she hates herself, but she can't control her feelings, and I guess that is normal after so many conflicts between the two of us. But my question is, even if I don't have to think about this, would be possible if, after losing all her resentment, she would love me again? or that's something that just happens in series like Friends or How I met your mother? lol.
I don't want to see this as the only possibility, I know I have to move on, but I just want to know if it's possible.

Never say never. I think the key is to just get on with your life especially if she ended it this time. I would have one particular ex of mine who broke up with me back in a heart beat, he wanted to maintain contact w/ me but I found it too hard. I still loved him and he would pull me closer, say all the right things and then push me away.  To this day if he was to say he was interested in reconciling I would consider it but it would take a certain amount of wooing me and proving he was serious about it. In the past he has said all the right things but never followed through with it which shows me he isn't serious at all, so I had to lose all hope.

I am now living my life without the thought of us ever being together again and as hard as it is I know I will meet someone eventually and have a nagging feeling that that is when he will realise he should have fought to get me back.

Let her come to you, but don't wait for her. Don't believe every word she says if she does appear again.

All the best.

[RQRQ]

20 hours ago, Graeme said:

I don't disagree with you. In fact I think I say pretty much what you've said in my post, Len just said he had no idea why confidence was a problem for me, so I gave him the best explanation I could. I'm not making excuses for myself, though anything I do I generally try and do with the best intentions. I guess the difference between excuses and reasons comes down entirely to validity.

 

On 7/7/2016 at 4:09 PM, Lithium said:

@GraemeFrom what I've read, girls find you nice and funny to be around, but that's it. I think that's because your communication with them never escalate to flirting or touching. If you are interested in a woman, at some point you have to reveal your intentions. It sounds like you've basically just been too afraid to show them that you're interested early on, then become nothing more than a friendly guy to them. Don't be afraid to take a chance and touch her hand or have a flirtatious tone - you won't get anywhere unless you take that chance. The worst thing that can happen is that she'll reject you. 

 

Kissing her on the cheek at the end of the night in an attempt to "be a gentleman and respect her" when she clearly wants the dick is just silly. She's not a delicate little flower, she's a grown woman with needs and desires. And guess what? She's not in a club because she "wants to dance and have fun with the girls", she's there because she wants to meet a guy that will take her home and fuck her. If you won't do that, then I guarantee you someone else will by the end of the night. 

You can only be yourself.

I as a female can only speak for myself. I have never been to a club wanting to meet a guy who will smash my back doors in- or any other door come to think of it. It may be why I'm still single. I have had a few one night stands and they were unsatisfying, forgettable and quick and no one likes an early finisher. 

I would not want a guy who was the type to go out with the intention of shagging anything in sight. I may be a dying breed and I'm Okay with that.

What happened at the club does tell you @Graeme that you have got it. You can and most likely do attract more women than you are aware of.  Just don't be fooled into thinking all women want to be taken outside and bent over backwards over the Biffa bin.

[Dazey]

20 minutes ago, RQRQ said:

Just don't be fooled into thinking all women want to be taken outside and bent over backwards over the Biffa bin.

Speaking as an erstwhile backdoor, biffa basher it has to be said that many do. 

[Graeme]

8 hours ago, RQRQ said:

 

You can only be yourself.

I as a female can only speak for myself. I have never been to a club wanting to meet a guy who will smash my back doors in- or any other door come to think of it. It may be why I'm still single. I have had a few one night stands and they were unsatisfying, forgettable and quick and no one likes an early finisher. 

I would not want a guy who was the type to go out with the intention of shagging anything in sight. I may be a dying breed and I'm Okay with that.

What happened at the club does tell you @Graeme that you have got it. You can and most likely do attract more women than you are aware of.  Just don't be fooled into thinking all women want to be taken outside and bent over backwards over the Biffa bin.

Aye, this discussion is possibly in danger of going down a lowest-common-denominator route; claiming that every girl wants the same thing, every guy wants the same thing and there is a one-size-fits-all way of doing things. You can make generalisations, and those can be quite useful if you're out to play the percentages, (the 'guys need to make the first move' thing I talked about earlier was one such generalisation) but it's important to recognise how different individuals can be as well (for example, on Saturday, the girl made the first move on me). Personally, at this stage in my life, I don't think I would sleep with someone unless I knew them and trusted them at least a bit more than dancing with them for half an hour.

That'll be different to what drives other people, my flatmate went home with two different girls over the weekend, one of whom he really wasn't that into and the other he quite liked, he couldn't even remember the first one's name the following day... Fair play to him but I don't really have any desire to do what he did, and that isn't the only way to get laid. 

@Dazey once said that 'mindless' isn't a word that he associates with me. Maybe I overthink things, but that's just the way I'm wired and I'm terrible at pretending to be something I'm not, so you're right. I can only be myself. This has clearly held me back in the past because a lack of experience has created a lack of confidence, but what I've learned from all this is that I maybe have reasons to be confident that I wasn't previously aware of...

[Gracii Guns]

To lower the tone: (don't even ask how I came across this, it was a pretty innocent search) https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00ANT5X82/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1468101512&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=semen&dpPl=1&dpID=511nmQOsZ1L&ref=plSrch

[spunko12345]

6 hours ago, Gracii Guns said:

To lower the tone: (don't even ask how I came across this, it was a pretty innocent search) https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00ANT5X82/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1468101512&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=semen&dpPl=1&dpID=511nmQOsZ1L&ref=plSrch

That's the next feature for "York With A Fork" then  

Page 11. Be a Wizz with The Jizz this summer with our great new recipes.

[Len Cnut]

On 8 July 2016 at 6:29 PM, Dazey said:

Speaking as an erstwhile backdoor, biffa basher it has to be said that many do. 

You'd have to remove a few verterbrae to bend her backwards over the biffa to get in through the backdoor surely?

On 9 July 2016 at 11:02 PM, Gracii Guns said:

To lower the tone: (don't even ask how I came across this, it was a pretty innocent search) https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00ANT5X82/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1468101512&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=semen&dpPl=1&dpID=511nmQOsZ1L&ref=plSrch

What the fuck were you searching you mucky cow?

Edited July 11, 2016 by Len B'stard

[Gracii Guns]

56 minutes ago, Len B'stard said:

What the fuck were you searching you mucky cow?

Niche recipe books. Obviously. Even Coolio has one! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cookin-Coolio-Star-Meals-Price-ebook/dp/B00BORYT2S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468248270&sr=8-1&keywords=coolio+recipe+book

Now I'm married, this is the only kind of contribution I can make to this thread. Everything's going swimmingly on the love/sex/relationship front, and it's got to stay that way until either of us pops our clogs. (Though I'm betting he'll go first ). It might be a while until I have anything interesting to day about dating again. 

[Axls Rocket Queen]

On 7/3/2016 at 0:00 PM, Graeme said:

Well, I pulled last night...  and the girl in question was sex on legs, absolute gorgeousness  my mates were in shock.

Of course I fucked it up, by not getting her details (though I'm moving out of town tomorrow so it doesn't really matter) but my ego's feeling pretty good right about now.

Yayyyy!!!   I need details!

[Graeme]

5 hours ago, Axls Rocket Queen said:

Yayyyy!!!   I need details!

Facebook?

[Powerage5]

Yesterday I watched my best friend marry the only girl I've ever truly been in love with. I'm really happy for them of course, but damn - it hurts inside

[AxlisOld]

46 minutes ago, Powerage5 said:

Yesterday I watched my best friend marry the only girl I've ever truly been in love with. I'm really happy for them of course, but damn - it hurts inside

Then why are you sober enough to coherently post?

[Powerage5]

56 minutes ago, AxlisOld said:

Then why are you sober enough to coherently post?

I was beyond fucked up last night and this morning. I only posted that after kicking the hangover and the vomit.

[AxlisOld]

[ZoSoRose]

Shit P5, that's rough. Hope you're ok! It's cool you guys are all still pals, was the wedding fun at least?

I hung out with my ex, and the guy she left me for (the target guy), and my gf at a party for the 4th. Funny as fuck how life works out. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It was fun to see her again, my gf was col with her, and the dude was super nice now that we didn't want to kill one another. I al,ost fought him a few years ago when swhit went down. Chronicled it here in a miser-esque fashion. But yeah, it was fine. Even hugged the guy after. I was drunk as a fuck

I'm more cucked than Slash is to Axl, eh? It was more of a nice realization for me that everything worked out for everyone.

Edited July 18, 2016 by ZoSoRose

[Powerage5]

2 minutes ago, ZoSoRose said:

Shit P5, that's rough. Hope you're ok! It's cool you guys are all still pals, was the wedding fun at least?

I hung out with my ex, and the guy she left me for (the target guy), and my gf at a party for the 4th. Funny as fuck how life works out. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It was fun to see her again, my gf was col with her, and the dude was super nice now that we didn't want to kill one another. I al,ost fought him a few years ago when swhit went down. Chronicled it here in a miser-esque fashion. But yeah, it was fine. Even hugged the guy after. I was drunk as a fuck

I'm more cucked than Slash is to Axl, eh? It was more of a nice realization for me that everything worked out for everyone.

Oh yeah, the wedding was great - probably the wedding that went the smoothest of any I've ever been to. I mean, I really am happy for them. I won't let my jealousy tear two of my best friendships apart. I mean, it's not like I have any reason to be upset with either of them - there was never any stealing girlfriends or anything like that. Her and I got to a point where we realized that we weren't gonna last, and even though I was really hurt by it, we stayed best friends. Hell, we even ended up living together our senior year, along with another one of our (guy) friends. And I can't be upset with my best friend over it - he's always been incredibly respectful of my feelings, and okay with the fact that I never really got over her. Even though they didn't start dating me until over a year after we ended things, he asked my permission to go after her. It could have ended up one of those scenarios where I didn't get invited to the wedding like happens with so many exes, but that wasn't the case here. So I've got mixed feelings about it all - yes I'm happy for them, but at my own expense. 

 

I remember the thread you made about the shit that went down with your ex! You didn't want to listen to our good advice on the matter

[Binge_And_Slash]

I've been single for 4 years and I think I'm awesome and so does my mum. What gives?

[Whiskey Rose]

22 hours ago, Powerage5 said:

Yesterday I watched my best friend marry the only girl I've ever truly been in love with. I'm really happy for them of course, but damn - it hurts inside

Well that's a bit of a punch to the solar plexus.

[Graeme]

Someone I met at a wedding a few weeks back has messaged me to ask if I'd go on a blind date with a friend of hers... Thoughts, y'all? Got nothing to lose, I suppose.

[Gracii Guns]

Do it! ?