Little, teeny, tiny vent.

[Gracii Guns]

Just going to blow off some steam, and hope that I can get some agreement on this.

I know that I probably experienced all this at a younger age than many people, so a bit of leeway for first timers is granted.

But…

what is with people who take photos in hospices?

If you're wanting a photo of your loved one on their deathbed, it is too bleeding late. Believe me, the last thing on their mind is a selfie with you. 

My grandparents took photos with my mum probably around a week before her death- then emailed them to the rest of the family thinking we'd be thankful to see my mum's emaciated face one more time. (I was 19 and found it very upsetting). While this was almost eight years ago, my MIL took a photo of her uncle, who died last week. It's this occasion which made me realise that more people than I thought were this discourteous. 

What are you going to do with these photos? Frame them for the wall?!

I'll take a few deep breaths now… thanks for reading. 

 

[Lio]

Jesus. That is odd. Can't say I've had experience with that, while I've sadly lost many people in my life.

I fully agree with you.  I wouldn't want my pic taken when I'm dying. I'd like for people to remember me while I'm healthy. Same goes for my loved ones. It's like you say: I'd rather look at a happy pic than at a pic of that person in their death bed. Maybe the one possible exception could be when you're granted your last wish on  your deathbed and you're obviously enjoying that moment.

[spunko12345]

That's a new one on me too I agree its a bit odd.

It's a bit like when you see flowers at the side of a road where someone died in a crash. Isn't there a more appropriate place where they had happy memories that they could put flowers and go remember them? Rather than a place where, let's be frank, they didn't have a particularly pleasant experience.

[soon]

Doesnt sound right to me either.  Maybe if someone wasnt able to travel back and just wanted to be brought into the moment?  But even then.

Peoples dissociation from others sickness, even loved ones, is something that boggle my mind daily.   

[Chris1989]

My uncle was taking photos of the family at my granddad's wake. 

[janrichmond]

27 minutes ago, Chris1989 said:

My uncle was taking photos of the family at my granddad's wake. 

Maybe that's not so bad because the wake is meant to be the the more 'fun' part of an otherwise very sad occasion. Weddings and funerals are often the only time a lot of family come together.

@Gracii Guns i have never heard of that happening at a hospice! Inappropriate for sure.

[Jane M.]

2 hours ago, soon said:

Peoples dissociation from others sickness, even loved ones, is something that boggle my mind daily.   

Well said. It's inappropriate and disrespectful. IMO.

I like to remember my loved ones when they were happy and healthy not at their deathbed. 

[Gracii Guns]

Thanks guys, glad to know that it's not just me who finds this weird.

I'm very passionate about quality end of life care, both medical and personal/spiritual for both the patient and family. It's not something that is dealt with easily by most, so culture is a vital variable in what is appropriate. 

This was going to become a very long post, so instead maybe I should do an MA in Social Work or something instead. 

[DirtyDeeds]

I think it's very dependent upon the people involved, most especially the one dying, the precise situation, and the spirit in which the photo is taken. And if the photo is being shared, it needs to be shared for the right reasons. That said, probably in most cases, photos would not be appropriate or courteous, but I can imagine some cases where they might be. Obviously, in these two experiences you've unfortunately had, Grace, photos were very inappropriate, and the sharing of them with you even more insensitive. 

 

I'm sorry you've had these upsetting and infuriating experiences. Everyone needs to be very understanding when there are times of such raw emotion. 

 

Please forgive me for imagining they might occasionally be appropriate. 

 

Let me just give give two examples where I was alright with it, though I don't know how the dying person felt. 

First instance was a month and a half ago, when my Grandma was dying. She was very young for having a grandchild going on 30 (she was not yet even 70) and she struck everyone as being one of the healthiest, most energetic people they knew. Her illness came on suddenly and aggressively, and the nature of it was hard to understand. The severity of the illness was unclear for a little while. A day or two before she died, my mom snapped a photo of Grandma and texted it to me. I think it was done probably without her knowledge. But it was informative. She looked absolutely horrifying, to be honest, not a thing like my Grandmother, and it told me all I needed to know. The message was clear. "If you want to see her, get here NOW." I left almost immediately, but did not make it in time. It wasn't a photo for actual sharing, but a photo for informing. 

 

The second instance was a photo of my fiancée (fiancé? I can't remember which sex uses two E's. To be clear, I'm engaged to a chick, not a dude! ?) and her stand-in "grandfather," whom she loved very much. He had stomach cancer, and was in hospice. She was about to leave the country for a long time on business and knew he would not be around anymore when she got back. He was actually having a relatively good day, so he was able to be wheeled outside for some sunshine, and was feeling up to conversing. They had a photo taken together, their last, and they knew it would be. It's a photo she holds very dear, their last shared time together. But it was dignified. Death  and dying are parts of life, and so long as dignity is respected, I think photos can be used to remember these last times together positively. But I think one must be VERY careful to respect dignity and the emotions of others. 

Edited May 21, 2017 by DirtyDeeds

[Gibson87]

I agree. We live in an era with this amazing technology but there's a time and place to use it and hospices and funerals are not it. I personally think the whole selfie thing is kinda dumb if you take one for every little event. 

[wasted]

That sounds weird. But don't expect me to care about my extended family, I meet them once a year and they act better than me, strong instincts they have, I hold my tongue, but do not expect me to care when they die. One 70 year old uncle thinks he's fitter than me. It's a race to the death!

[DieselDaisy]

The Victorians used to dress up their dead relatives and prop them up for photographs. They did this particularly with infants, infant mortality being of course prevalent. It would be their only remembrance of the deceased as photographs were so expensive.

I'll not post any because they're rather macabre but a quick search should pull many examples up.

Edited May 22, 2017 by DieselDaisy

[Lio]

10 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

The Victorians used to dress up their dead relatives and prop them up for photographs. They did this particularly with infants, infant mortality being of course prevalent. It would be their only remembrance of the deceased as photographs were so expensive.

I'll not post any because they're rather macabre but a quick search should pull many examples up.

Yeah, I thought about that too. It's still done with stillborn babies today. But that makes sense, just like taking pics of dead people who couldn't have afforded expensive photographs during their lifetime, even if it seems creepy.

Nowadays though, anyone else will have thousands of pictures of themselves. It has no purpose at all.

I do agree the pics are really macabre. Some are nicely done, and you wouldn't even notice, but others...

[Len Cnut]

My uncle committed suicide, shot himself, people took pictures of his dead body and all his sisters and that, all shrieking and crying.

15 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

The Victorians used to dress up their dead relatives and prop them up for photographs. They did this particularly with infants, infant mortality being of course prevalent. It would be their only remembrance of the deceased as photographs were so expensive.

I'll not post any because they're rather macabre but a quick search should pull many examples up.

They still do that in Ghana I heard.  Surely they'd start getting ripe in the heat though.

[DieselDaisy]

They would pose for family photos with the dead infant!

The Victorians were however a strange people. Prime Minister Gladstone used to spend his nights walking around London in order to 'reform' prostitutes (well, that is what he said!) and was into self-flagellation!

[Len Cnut]

42 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

They would pose for family photos with the dead infant!

The Victorians were however a strange people. Prime Minister Gladstone used to spend his nights walking around London in order to 'reform' prostitutes (well, that is what he said!) and was into self-flagellation!

I heard that about Gladstone!  Didnt some folks think he was Jack the Ripper?  

[DieselDaisy]

Just now, Len Cnut said:

I heard that about Gladstone!  Didnt some folks think he was Jack the Ripper?  

Everyone was suspected of being Saucy Jack including members of the Royal Family.

[Len Cnut]

3 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

Everyone was suspected of being Saucy Jack including members of the Royal Family.

I wonder if there were any success stories knocking about the streets of London.  Yknow, any successful reform jobs of Gladstone . Whats the deal with the self flaggelation?!?

Edited May 22, 2017 by Len Cnut

[DieselDaisy]

Just now, Len Cnut said:

I wonder if there were any success stories knocking about the streets of London.  Yknow, any successful reform jobs of Gladstone . Whats the deal with the self flaggelation?!?

Expunging his sins presumably - he was a devout Evangelical.

[Len Cnut]

He was a big unit as well, he would'v kicked the fuck out of Disraeli one on one

[liers]

I know how you feel.

When my mom was sick and dying my sister came over to visit and decided she wanted to take a picture with her. My mom was very sick and pretty much unresponsive but my sister decided she wanted to take a picture with her... Then wanted me to take one with her. Um... No thanks.. I want to remember my mom as healthy and happy not as sick, thin, and pale.

Same thing happened after my dad passed away. My sister had the nurse at the hospital take our picture with the covered body being wheeled out. Why the fuck?

[Graeme]

My cousin's friend took photos when we were scattering his ashes. He asked if he could first, and while it wouldn't have been what I'd have done, I didn't outright oppose it. My cousin took photos of everything, he had an entire album that was just dedicated to the bus stops of Glasgow so we figured that he probably wouldn't have minded.