The Religion/Spirituality Thread

[Dazey]

5 minutes ago, Len Cnut said:

no no no, that was Bruce Waaaaaaayne!

I'm an honorary Manc these days innit!  

Edited December 19, 2018 by Dazey

[soon]

5 minutes ago, Len Cnut said:

I think it was more that he was plain or something, not ugly or anything.  I'll ask her if you like.

I have no opinion on Jesus' hotness, plainness or ugliness, to be clear. Thats a sentence I didnt think I'd ever type! 

Yeah, if you get a chance to ask that would be awesome! If not, thats cool too.

 

 

 

[Dazey]

2 hours ago, soon said:

really fun Bible study

 

[Ace Nova]

6 hours ago, Oldest Goat said:

 

If Jesus was a real person from history and I spoke to him today I'd say "Maybe you were a good guy once upon a time but you know why I don't believe in you and everything that goes with it, right?" And, unless he was far less genuine and intelligent than I am he'd say "Of course mate. I mean it's pretty fucking obvious lololol."

Or he might open up the ground underneath you and show you this....

 

[Dazey]

19 minutes ago, Kasanova King said:

Or he might open up the ground underneath you and show you this....

 

Southern California? 

[SoulMonster]

8 hours ago, Iron MikeyJ said:

I'm a little disappointed and suprised by the turn of this topic today. While I agree that Jesus wasnt blond hair and blue eyes, he WAS indeed Caucasian. A darker complected caucasian, yes. But caucasian none the less.

How do I know this? For starters ALL Jewish people fall into the Caucasian category. As do Muslims and other "arabs" as a matter of fact. Are they a darker complected version? Yes, but still considered the SAME race. Not that it matters, but since you want to talk about the facts, THESE are the facts...

A quick Google search will show EVERYONE that technically (scientifically) only 6 races exists. You tell me which one Christ belongs to?

Taken from official websites...

• American Indian or Alaska Native. A person having origins in any of the original peoples of North and South America (including Central America), and who maintains tribal affiliation or community attachment.
• Asian. A person having origins in any of the original peoples of the Far East, Southeast Asia, or the Indian subcontinent including, for example, Cambodia, China, India, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Pakistan, the Philippine Islands, Thailand, and Vietnam.
• Black or African American. A person having origins in any of the black racial groups of Africa. Terms such as "Haitian" or "Negro" can be used in addition to "Black or African American."
• Hispanic or Latino. A person of Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South or Central American, or other Spanish culture or origin, regardless of race. The term, "Spanish origin," can be used in addition to "Hispanic or Latino."
• Native Hawaiian or Other Pacific Islander. A person having origins in any of the original peoples of Hawaii, Guam, Samoa, or other Pacific Islands.
• White. A person having origins in any of the original peoples of Europe, the Middle East, or North Africa.

"Race" is so Germany anno 1939.

[DieselDaisy]

Jesus of Nazareth was almost certainly Caucasian, Jews being Semites which is a Caucasian branch. Incidentally, on the subject of pigeon-holing ''racial types'', Alexander the Great and Cleopatra both had blonde hair. 

[SoulMonster]

6 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

Incidentally, on the subject of pigeon-holing ''racial types'', Alexander the Great and Cleopatra both had blonde hair. 

How do we know that Cleopatra had blonde hair? I've seen discussions where it is argued she could have been a red-head, or that the African additions to her genetics made her hair black, or just that her Greek ancestry meant she had anything from brown to blonde hair.

[DieselDaisy]

18 minutes ago, SoulMonster said:

How do we know that Cleopatra had blonde hair? I've seen discussions where it is argued she could have been a red-head, or that the African additions to her genetics made her hair black, or just that her Greek ancestry meant she had anything from brown to blonde hair.

True about her possibly being red-haired as there is some debate on the ancients' rendering of the term - this applies to Alexander also - and this is seemingly supported by, from Herculaneum,

I have never given the black argument much credence.

Edited December 20, 2018 by DieselDaisy

[SoulMonster]

9 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

True about her possibly being red-haired as there is some debate on the ancients' rendering of the term - this applies to Alexander also - and this is seemingly supported by, from Herculaneum,

I have never given the black argument much credence.

But where do you have it from that she was blonde?

[SoulMonster]

Paul was mentioned earlier. A true man of his times. His writings is given substantial room in the New Testament and he was a very important figure in shaping the new religion and spreading it. He also is quoted as saying, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent” (1 Timothy 2:12). This is of course horrible and one of the reasons why christianity has been such an impediment to equality in modern times. It is hard to take those christians who claim that the bible is inspired by god, seriously when you read verses like that. If so, the christian god must be a patriarchal pig. 

[Len Cnut]

7 hours ago, Dazey said:

Southern California? 

Least you get to see some norks before you get the chop i suppose

[SoulMonster]

Quote

Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

DUNDEE, IL—Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, sometimes there's a little miracle in store for all of us.

And that miracle was more or less what Dundee resident Herb Fosbeck received this past Christmas, when the 38-year-old survived a near-fatal session of oxygen-deprived masturbation.

"The doctors told me I'm lucky to be alive," said Fosbeck, who almost suffocated to death after tying a belt to the base of his showerhead, wrapping the leather strap around his throat, and cutting off his body's circulation in order to heighten climax.

Added Fosbeck, "Somebody up there must sort of like me."

At first glance, the overweight and single Fosbeck might not seem like the kind of character you'd normally see in a heartwarming Christmas tale. And, basically, he isn't, because this is not exactly that type of story. On the other hand, Fosbeck did learn something about the true spirit of the season, albeit in a rather disturbing way. And he didn't die. So if you think about the whole thing with that in mind, it's almost hopeful.

"This is what Christmas is all about, I guess," said police investigator Randy Haverscham, who, along with two other officers and several neighbors, discovered Fosbeck's unconscious body after responding to complaints of a loud crash. "Not really. But still."

A time for hearths, mistletoe, and sharing cider with those you love, Christmas largely passed the solitary Fosbeck by. Not invited to any festive get-togethers, and with no one to curl up with save the hollow-eyed actresses in his vast pornography collection, the middle-aged man's yuletide plans were limited to the fleeting satisfaction of choking himself while tugging weakly at his swollen member.

As Fosbeck slung the restrictive strap over his head, doing his best to ignore the sounds of carolers outside his open window, did he perhaps think he'd finally hit bottom? We can only assume so. But that turned out not to be the case because, right in the middle of furiously pumping his erection, he slipped in his bathtub, and suddenly found himself spasmodically dangling from his homemade noose.

"I remember putting the belt around my neck, and I guess I must have gotten pretty excited and started moving around too much, because the next thing I knew I was strangling to death," said Fosbeck, who was released from Dundee General Hospital's intensive care ward on Jan. 1. "I don't remember much after that."

Indeed, few could predict that Fosbeck was only moments away from getting the biggest Christmas gift of all. At least, in a just-barely-not-dying-while-tethered-to-a-bathroom-fixture sort of way.

Using his last gasps of air to scream out for help, the flailing unemployed carpenter suddenly heard in the background the faint jingling of Christmas bells. Was it the arrival of a guardian angel, coming to rescue Fosbeck? Or was it simply an auditory hallucination caused by the lack of oxygen to his brain? We may never know.

One thing, however, remains clear. With a sudden jolt, Fosbeck's showerhead ripped clear from the cheap plaster of his bathroom wall, sending the unconscious loner plummeting free, naked as the baby Jesus.

"He was still tumescent when we found him," said neighbor Bob Ngyuen, who followed police into Fosbeck's apartment. "We put a towel over him before we called the paramedics, just to give him the slightest shred of dignity. It was Christmas, after all."

And if that wasn't enough of a semi-miracle, or miracle-ish thing, or whatever you want to call it, when Fosbeck finally awoke in the hospital, his mother, whom he hadn't seen in four years, was standing over him, re-united with her estranged son on Christmas night.

Source: https://www.theonion.com/survival-of-autoerotic-asphyxiation-closest-thing-man-g-1819570442

[DieselDaisy]

3 hours ago, SoulMonster said:

But where do you have it from that she was blonde?

I've never really explored it but it is a speculation held by some historians. I can only assume that it is based around a tradition of her evident in Roman mural of her with fair/auburn/red hair, but I'll have to look more into it.

[SoulMonster]

10 minutes ago, DieselDaisy said:

I've never really explored it but it is a speculation held by some historians. I can only assume that it is based around a tradition of her evident in Roman mural of her with fair/auburn/red hair, but I'll have to look more into it.

Aight. 

[SoulMonster]

Quote

Ecstatic Pope Francis Finally Lands Role As Mary In St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant

 

VATICAN CITY—Excitedly catching a glimpse of his name atop the cast list posted outside the Apostolic Palace, an ecstatic Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally landed the role of a lifetime playing Mary in the annual St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant. “Oh my God, Mary—I got Mary!” said a visibly emotional Francis, immediately declaring that the casting decision was the result of years of hard work “in the trenches” playing bits parts in the pageant while practicing the manger scene alone in his papal apartment. “I never gave up. Not even when I had a non-speaking role as a wise man for three years running. Oh man, Mary! I can’t wait to play the lead opposite Archbishop Salón as Joseph. He’s such a pro. I’m sorry—I’m just gushing here. Benedict’s going to freak out when I tell him.” At press time, Pope Francis announced plans to cancel all papal duties for the rest of the year and isolate himself in his chambers in order to fully invest himself in the role.

Source: https://www.theonion.com/ecstatic-pope-francis-finally-lands-role-as-mary-in-st-1831204512

[SoulMonster]

Quote

Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

 

ANAHEIM, CA—Controversy has erupted throughout the Christian Contemporary music scene in the wake of last Friday's allegations that the Anaheim-area Christian rock trio Wÿtness "kicks ass."

Redeemer Records recording artist Wÿtness, which vehemently denies all allegations of ass-kicking.

All three members of Wÿtness, which has released five albums on the Redeemer Records label since its inception in 1992, vehemently denied the charges, which were made by two fans following a Wÿtness performance opening for Seraphim at the Joyful Noize Music Festival in San Diego.

"It really hurts me that anybody would say that about us," said Wÿtness drummer Walt Shep, 26. "Yes, our music may 'rock' to some extent, but it's certainly not about kicking ass—it's about transcending earthly sin."

The fans were overheard making the allegations shortly after leaving Wÿtness' 40-minute set, describing the rock group's heavy-metal performance as "way cool" and repeating "that kicked ass" several times before wandering off in the direction of a pamphlet stand.

If found guilty of ass-kicking, Wÿtness could face stiff penalties, including exclusion from October's much-hyped Kreation '97 festival at the Christ-O-Dome in Jackson, MS, as well as possible divine retribution in the afterlife.

"Wÿtness needs to rock a little bit less and glorify Christ's true kingdom on Earth a little bit more," said Dan Lovell, road manager for the Christian rock band Petra. Lovell suggested that a greater reliance on soaring power keyboard chords rather than electric guitar might be a step in the right direction.

"These guys have gone just a little too far," agreed Roy Hill, lead guitarist for Praiser, whose Resurrockin'! album is currently number one on the Contemporary Christian charts.

Wÿtness is no stranger to controversy. For years, concerned parents and church authorities have also complained that the band's outrageous look—including heavily permed and sprayed hair, glittering, rhinestone-bedecked costume jewelry and elaborate stage decorations—suggest susceptibility toward the sins of Pride and Idolatry. Further, their tight-fitting, codpiece-hugging spandex outfits have been described on more than one occasion as inappropriate for fostering an atmosphere of pious, reverent self-abasement before God.

According to Wÿtness lead guitarist Darrell Hilo, who joined the band last year when guitarist Mark Vinson left to devote his life to Inter-varsity Christian Fellowship Ministry, no ass-kicking has ever taken place.

"We can't deny there are a lot of rock bands within the secular arena that do kick ass. Europe, Winger and Night Ranger have all kicked serious ass throughout their careers, with such killer anthems as 'The Final Countdown,' 'Seventeen' and 'You Can Still Rock In America' just the first few songs that come to mind. And yes, I do admit to jamming out to music of this variety when I was very young, before my parents took to drink and were divorced, and I was born again in the light of the Lord and Savior Christ Jesus the Lamb. But that's all part of my past. Honest. I haven't listened to those records since my youth group and I burned them all in 1988."

Wÿtness lead vocalist Eddy Fye, former lead singer of Edify and co-host of the cable public-access program Teens Talk About Sin, agreed with Hilo.

"We would never intentionally kick ass during a show, especially not with so many young people in the audience," Fye said. "It's very important not to rock too hard. If these kids get too pumped up, their loins may become engorged with a lustful desire to touch themselves and others in an impure manner. And that only distracts from the real purpose of the band: celebrating and consecrating our love for the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ in Heaven, who died on the cross for our sins so that we may be free."

When asked about rumors that Wÿtness was deliberately kicking ass to meet women, Fye was equally dismissive. "I don't see what playing guitar has to do with meeting a devout church-going woman, settling down into matrimonial partnership, and raising a family," he said. "That's a matter best left to the good advice of family members, clergy and a great deal of intense, soul-searching prayer."

 

Source: https://entertainment.theonion.com/christian-rockers-deny-kicking-ass-1819564404

[Len Cnut]

35 minutes ago, SoulMonster said:

Source: https://entertainment.theonion.com/christian-rockers-deny-kicking-ass-1819564404

Without Christianity you wouldn't have rock music.

[SoulMonster]

Quote

Jesus Free After Killing Hooker

‘I am above the law,’ He says

ST. LOUIS, MO—Jesus the Christ, Son of Yahweh, is free on bond today after being arrested for the murder of Wanda Jimenez, 38, an East Side prostitute. Jesus confessed to the killing at His arraignment yesterday.

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” Jesus said to a hushed crowd of onlookers outside the municipal courthouse after His arraignment. “Hey, the bitch had it coming.”

The judge sympathized, ruling that he had grown to love Jesus through a 36-year-long “personal relationship” with the Christ cultivated through weekly church services.

 

“I consider Jesus to be my personal savior,” Judge Havish Greegham said. “I therefore cannot send Him to jail.”

According to police reports, at 1:16 a.m. Friday, Jesus had sex with Jimenez in an alley behind the Paradise Row adult movie theater on King Street. The victim was then beaten brutally about the face, stabbed 17 times in the chest and abdomen with a screwdriver, then strangled.

Said Police Detective Harold Trutmand: “The evidence indicates that Jesus assaulted the victim over a dispute, presumably the result of His refusal to pay for sex.”

Though he confessed to the murder of an East Side prostitute, Jesus the Christ (inset), is free on bond today. Judge Havish Greegham released the Christ, calling him his personal savior.

Christ, 32, is a traveling iconoclastic preacher and healer. He has a long criminal record in his native Middle East, including charges of incitement and heresy filed by the Roman government. He had previously been banned from a local temple by Pharisees for vandalism and public disturbance. He is also known to associate with tax collectors and adulterers.

Resurrected three days after His death, Jesus was revealed to be the long-awaited Messiah, or “Christ,” foretold in the Old Testament. According to official records, this was a holy event that created a new religion and transformed the history of the Western world. “Christians” today number over one billion.

Christians everywhere have come forward in support of Jesus. “He’s my personal savior and I love Him,” a smiling Cindy Hevertsen, 15, said at a rally outside the First Missouri Con-gregational Church. “And I’m sure God in His love will forgive Him for killing the hooker, or whatever He did.”

Added Hevertsen: “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude, Revelation.”

The difficult role of prosecuting the Son of God has been assigned to County Prosecutor Sam Edlerbet. Outside his downtown office, a mob of 60,000 Christian protesters has backed up traffic for an eight-mile radius. Brandishing placards that read, “He died for you too, Christ Jailer,” “Edlerbet, spawn of Satan,” and “Iscariot, Pilate, Edlerbet—Burn! Burn! Burn!” the protesters create a constant roar of vitriol not unlike a raging hailstorm that permeates the walls and cubicles of every office building in the city.

Said Edlerbet: “I was hired by the County Board Chairman to prosecute illegal activity committed in the County of Brefford, and must put forth my best effort in the performance of that duty.”

Though Edlerbet did not admit to being frightened, his co-workers claim he has been “tense” since the legion of protesters firebombed his car, obliterated his suburban St. Louis home, and promised to “tear the flesh from his body and feed it to Lucifer’s jackals.”

Based on Biblical precedent, St. Louis District Attorney Frank Menchett is considering throwing out the charges on the basis of Jesus’s holy forgiveness from God.

Said Menchett: “A power superseding that of the State of Missouri is that of the loving grace of a heavenly deity, who may have an authority to forgive, overruling that of the governor of Missouri.”

Jesus’s summary judgment is set for March 1.

Source: https://www.theonion.com/jesus-free-after-killing-hooker-1819563856

[Sosso]

This video is not completely neutral, but gives a fascinating insight about the different prophets. 

@soon

[soon]

1 hour ago, Sosso said:

This video is not completely neutral, but gives a fascinating insight about the different prophets. 

@soon

If this is your way of wishing your Christian pal a Merry Christmas, then all I can say is that you're doing it wrong 

J/K Ill get to this when Im not simultaneously celebrating Christs birth and mastering adulting infront of important strangers.

Edited December 26, 2018 by soon

[SoulMonster]

28 minutes ago, Sosso said:

This video is not completely neutral, but gives a fascinating insight about the different prophets. 

@soon

My dog ran away and hid about 10 seconds into it. 

[Dazey]

30 minutes ago, Sosso said:

This video is not completely neutral, but gives a fascinating insight about the different prophets. 

@soon

That guy absolutely molests kids.

[Iron MikeyJ]

I'm in the ER at the moment with atrial fibrillation. Just thought I would share.

[janrichmond]

4 minutes ago, Iron MikeyJ said:

I'm in the ER at the moment with atrial fibrillation. Just thought I would share.

what is that? A heart attack??