Facekicker

I drank a shitload today. Had my grandfather's funeral this morning, then back to my uncle's house for the reception. Lots of boozing there, then took a few hours off to sober up/work out. Then I went out drinking with my cousins for our birthdays, as we all have our birthdays three days in a row this weekend.

I've had enough beer to last me a while

What's a shitload?

Somewhere in the ballpark 10 beers across the day.

Bottles or what?

Some bottles, some pints. One was a 22 oz.

Still for someone who weighs 130 lbs, that is a lot of fucking beer.

What is your choice of beer?

I drank a shitload today. Had my grandfather's funeral this morning, then back to my uncle's house for the reception. Lots of boozing there, then took a few hours off to sober up/work out. Then I went out drinking with my cousins for our birthdays, as we all have our birthdays three days in a row this weekend.

I've had enough beer to last me a while

What's a shitload?

Somewhere in the ballpark 10 beers across the day.

Bottles or what?

I drank a shitload today. Had my grandfather's funeral this morning, then back to my uncle's house for the reception. Lots of boozing there, then took a few hours off to sober up/work out. Then I went out drinking with my cousins for our birthdays, as we all have our birthdays three days in a row this weekend.

I've had enough beer to last me a while

What's a shitload?

Can i resale my ticket? I bought yesterday, i'm from Brazil but I can't go on April to Las Vegas...

Interested

I bought "SILVER VIP" ticket April 8th. I wanna put on STUBHUB. If you interested call me.

VIP packages are not refundable and can't be traded, dude.

Lol. Good.

Eddie Trunk is a buffoon

I'd like to say this to Jada-Pinket Smith

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxikltMaaXc

Will Smith should be ashamed of his wife and kids. They're loudmouth idiots.

That's twice in the past 24hrs. Rotten luck old sport.

I prefer gin, wine (red) or a fine cognac/whisky/whiskey

Apart from a minor indescretion during my university days I generally can't abide the stuff.

Actually it is not really the product itself that is the problem but rather the whole culture that goes with it.

It is no coincidence that it is associated with Jamaicans and councll estates. There is a shared sense of oppression amongst the peoples, though I'm not sure who exactly the equivalent of Haile Selassie is for your average Liverpudlian or Geordie. Jeremy Corbyn doesn't strike me as the type to deliver salvation unless he was working for the salvation army perhaps.

Gin?!?! Whats the matter, your husband pass away recently or do you just do cut price abortions? I'll have the rest though!

Good for keeping the mozzies away with a tonic water and a slice of lemon. Damn refreshing old boy

Glad Press and Seal.

For Queen and country James?

I use the ones with the numbing lubricant so I can last a while.

You shouldn't be having sex before marriage, particularly if you have no intention of marrying her.

Hello vicar

My lady is on the pill. Hopefully, I never have to wear a condom again.

Careful old boy, many an old sailor caught out there.

Lifestyle Ultra Sensitive...cheap and thin

i got box of those Skyn joints and mine had a terrible smell to it...you ever got box like like that?

Can;t say I have, probably because I put them on the old chap and not my nose

The Oscars is incredibly outdated.

I use a verruca sock

Got a few bumps on Percy have you?

disappointing the wife.

Nail on the head.

We use Durex, though lolled when reading an Amazon review for them which said:

"Well, I'm pregnant now".

Is this the start of a new sex thread era?

GN'R are functioning and we're discussing penises. It must be 2008 again!

Might want to be careful with the lingo in a thread about the old todger.

Gentlemen,

As wretched a thing as they are, sometimes one has no choice but to bag up before having hot pudding for supper.

So what choice of onion bag do you recommend?

Personally I prefer the non-latex variety, namely Mates Skyn. Feels great on the old chap and barely noticeable when one is disappointing the wife.

They cost a bit more than that ghastly Durex brand, how anyone recommends them is beyond me, I'd rather try it with a bin liner than use Durex again.

Haha, she actually asked me to go to a dance tonight, but typically of my luck, tickets are sold out.

She's interested then. Think of an alternative place where you can dance and call her back and suggest you go there instead. Don't ask her what time, just say "Would you like to go to XYZ instead tonight say around 9pm?"

Pay as you feel? Do elaborate.

It means tipping extra to grope the waitress.

Must be an American thing, they love to paw their food.

Yes like trackpants instead of a good pair of slacks.

Though I was delighted to see a fellow in jeans thrown out of a clubhouse over there once.

Americans eat by switching the cutlery between hands, don't they? They will cut the food up then switch the folk to the opposite hand, putting down the knife, in order to skewer the food and eat it; you keep seeing this switch thing happening as they eat.

Juggle, cut, juggle, cut. Yes, it is most annoying. I sometimes ask them if they ever worked in a circus but they just look at me confused.

I'm always fascinated whenever I am dining with an American. The way they grab their food off the plate with their hands like a greedy toddler. I don't understand it but I guess it accounts for their love of things like hamburgers, pizza and hotdogs, this holding of ones food directly like a monkey with a banana.

I was most amused by an American friends reaction to my eating of a pizza with a knife and fork. You'd swear I had stabbed their grandmother.

Nope, not a single decent film has ever won an Oscar. Not one. Naff bollocks cobblegocks

Cobblegocks What a great word, what are its origins? How should one work it into conversation? Sounds like something Prince Phillip would say.

Thank you.

You are most welcome.

Etiquette at the Dinner Table

I was raised in a home where dinner was a formal, sit-down, family affair every night. Proper table manners were taught early and reinforced regularly. Then I went to university and was shocked to see the dining habits of some of my fellow students. It was like a Neanderthal emerging from a time machine.

As bad as my classmates were the worst offenders have always been American's. Good heavens, have they no cutlery in their homes? Watching an American eating is like observing a hyena in the Serengeti. Absolute savages.

So my fellow posters, don't be mistaken for a dumb animal when you are dining in company. What follows is a guide that even a simpleton oik can follow:

Pump The Brakes

Eat slowly. No one wants to share a table with an open-mouthed shoveler. Take a manageable bite and finish it before adding another. Chew with your mouth closed and leave room for conversation between swallows. After all, that is presumably why you've been invited for dinner.

Napkin Norms

Your napkin should be folded on your lap shortly after you sit down. Use your napkin regularly throughout your meal, even if you don't think you need to. Wipe your mouth before taking a drink to avoid leaving food residue on your glass. When excusing yourself from the table, a napkin should be folded clean side up and placed to the left of your plate.

Silverware Signals

A knife and fork placed apart and pointing towards the top of the plate in a triangle indicate that you're still eating. When you're finished, signal that your plate is ready to be cleared by placing your knife and fork diagonally together on your plate approximately where the number four is on a clock face

Cutlery Competance

Both the American style (in which the fork is held in the left hand for cutting and switched to the right for eating) and Continental style (in which the fork is kept in the left hand for both cutting and eating) are completely acceptable. (Personally I find the American style to be ghastly but each to their own)

However, don't cut food into more than three pieces at a time - you are not a toddler in danger of choking. Spoon soup away from you, and if you need to tilt the bowl, amgle it away from you. Used silverware should never touch the table, even when resting half on a plate or bowl.

Should you find the above confusing you might find this excellent instructional video more helpful: