Chris1989 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 18 hours ago, ZoSoRose said: Fuck dude, I'm sorry. That is beyond a drag. Can you guys try counseling?? We have our first session today. She dropped the "we should divorce" bomb on me two weeks ago today, and she told me "I have tried everything to get past this" Except: Seeing a Doc for depression Speaking to your husband about it Being open about the things that bother her Speaking to a counsellor or therapist on her own Speaking to a counsellor or therapist as a couple As soon as I called her on her BS of "trying everything" she said she would try. I just need to be sure she is trying because she wants to be with me, not just because life is more secure with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulMonster Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 6 minutes ago, Chris1989 said: We have our first session today. She dropped the "we should divorce" bomb on me two weeks ago today, and she told me "I have tried everything to get past this" Except: Seeing a Doc for depression Speaking to your husband about it Being open about the things that bother her Speaking to a counsellor or therapist on her own Speaking to a counsellor or therapist as a couple As soon as I called her on her BS of "trying everything" she said she would try. I just need to be sure she is trying because she wants to be with me, not just because life is more secure with me. Again, I'm so sorry. If you are right, and this is due to her depressions, then obviously getting treatment for that could be the solution. I hope today's counseling session goes well. best of luck, and if it fails, the sun will shine again at some point. Just hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MillionsOfSpiders Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 23 hours ago, Chris1989 said: And now my wife wants a divorce because she doesn't love me any more, but I'm an amazing husband and have only ever treated her in the best way, and I have always been wonderful. Not sure that makes me feel any better. She wants to just throw a decade away of our relationship, and the stability of our lives and our daughter’s life just because she is depressed and lost in life. This is the worst pain possible and I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through it. Be kind and patient with yourself and don’t let anyone invalidate any feelings you have. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cantona Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 The coffee went really well! She’s honestly so cool and amazing, I think my butterflies speak for themselves. We’re meeting each other again on Sunday. On 1/25/2024 at 12:18 PM, Chris1989 said: And now my wife wants a divorce because she doesn't love me any more, but I'm an amazing husband and have only ever treated her in the best way, and I have always been wonderful. Not sure that makes me feel any better. She wants to just throw a decade away of our relationship, and the stability of our lives and our daughters life just because she is depressed and lost in life. Aw fuck, I’m sorry man. We haven’t interacted much here but you always struck me as someone with a good head on your shoulders. Hope for the very best with your counseling, and especially that you are well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 I don't know if it was positive or negative. My wife is only ever emotional when she talks about the impact on our daughter. She doesn't ever get upset about our relationship ending. She's so disconnected, but then she will say something about how we're still working on our relationship. Then she'll say that she needs more space, and then maybe she will want to come back to me. I have zero control over this and it's so painful. I have given so much to help her and support her whilst her mum was letting dogs shit all over the house, refusing to answer the door and generally being a pissed alcoholic. I've grown massively in confidence over the decade we've been together, doubled my wages and generally become a much better and more rounded person. She's abandoned me whilst I've had my own challenges though. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknroll41 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 It’s only been a few days, and I think I already give up on dating again. I genuinely think I’m happier alone (however weird that may seem). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janrichmond Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 23 hours ago, rocknroll41 said: It’s only been a few days, and I think I already give up on dating again. I genuinely think I’m happier alone (however weird that may seem). There's nothing wrong with being single and maybe the time isn't right for a relationship yet. As long as you are happy then carry on as you are. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MillionsOfSpiders Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 (edited) On 1/26/2024 at 11:55 PM, rocknroll41 said: It’s only been a few days, and I think I already give up on dating again. I genuinely think I’m happier alone (however weird that may seem). I’ve been single for three years and I can’t ever see myself being in a relationship ever again. I had a couple of “friends” in that time but as soon as they started getting clingy or anything I binned them 😭 I really am destined to be a crazy old cat lady and I am okay with that. Edited January 29 by MillionsOfSpiders 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axls_Moustache_Rules Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 On 1/26/2024 at 11:42 PM, Chris1989 said: I don't know if it was positive or negative. My wife is only ever emotional when she talks about the impact on our daughter. She doesn't ever get upset about our relationship ending. She's so disconnected, but then she will say something about how we're still working on our relationship. Then she'll say that she needs more space, and then maybe she will want to come back to me. I have zero control over this and it's so painful. I have given so much to help her and support her whilst her mum was letting dogs shit all over the house, refusing to answer the door and generally being a pissed alcoholic. I've grown massively in confidence over the decade we've been together, doubled my wages and generally become a much better and more rounded person. She's abandoned me whilst I've had my own challenges though. Hey pal Fuck her off Alright? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 38 minutes ago, Axls_Moustache_Rules said: Hey pal Fuck her off Alright? Honestly if I could see a way forwards that wasn't going to damage my own life and my daughter's life, I would. It's my daughter that complicates things. I can accept unrequited love, even if she no longer loves me because of things that have been blown out of proportion and are ridiculous, and can easily be worked on. What I can't take is not trying to work on those issues and making my child another statistic of growing up with divorced parents, having to introduce a new step-dad who could abuse her or encourage behaviour that don't fit with my morals and the way I would like my daughter to be raised etc. My wife just says "I'll always put daughter first", but she wasn't putting her first when she spent 2 years growing resentment towards me instead of talking to me when they were minor annoyances. If my daughter wasn't around then I would say fuck it, you enjoy your substandard life - I'll enjoy my higher wages, stable family and freedom, you go chasing those butterflies, and don't complain in 5 years when I'm doing great and you're a used up 45 year old. But I do have a daughter, and I do still love my wife, despite my upset about what she's done and is doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grouse Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 (edited) My life lesson to share here is, when someone wants out let them go, I realise this takes a lot of strength and you'll probably lose a considered amount of weight in the process because you are likely feeling absolute shit and not wanting to eat and all that. There is simply not much one can do when your significant other has their mind made up. Best to let them go, My experience has taught me that they will come sniffing once the dust has settled in their lives. Edited February 2 by grouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 I've done exactly that today. It's over. It's on to the admin to put this shit situation behind us. I just wish I didn't have a daughter involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grouse Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 6 hours ago, Chris1989 said: I've done exactly that today. It's over. It's on to the admin to put this shit situation behind us. I just wish I didn't have a daughter involved. It's a really shitty situation to be in, emotions tend to run high which is of course understandable. I have been in this situation and what worked best for me was to focus on myself. Yeah your daughter is going to complicate things in a way. Just keep in mind that she has no part in this and be the most absolute awesome dad that you can be I know these words will probably offer you little solace, having been there myself but this is just how it works my man. It is always darkest before dawn. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoSoRose Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 I’m sorry @Chris1989. Fucking hell that sucks, I remember you posting about her at the beginning. Fuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MillionsOfSpiders Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 18 hours ago, Chris1989 said: I've done exactly that today. It's over. It's on to the admin to put this shit situation behind us. I just wish I didn't have a daughter involved. I’m so sorry 😔 it’s absolutely soul destroying when they become someone you don’t know at all overnight and you can drive yourself mad trying to get answers from them but it’s waste of time because you never get any that make any sense. They’re just a totally different person now and best to let them go off into their little fantasy life (it never quite works out that way for them after time ) It’s difficult when you have kids with them because you have to try and be civil for their sake when that’s the last thing you want to be with them - it’s three years on for me and I still refuse to be in the same room as him or talk to him on the phone, text messages only - which he thinks is incredibly petty of me but I can’t help the way I feel. He said he wanted to stay friends and I really felt pressured to do that for the sake of our kids but it was a huge mistake because it only confused them even more imo. If I could give any advice to you it would be don’t fall into that trap - but of course there will be some people it’s worked well for them (I don’t see how lol) You just have to take each day as it comes for now and know that that horrible pain you feel in your chest will ease off eventually and you can enjoy your life with your beautiful little girl and one day you’ll realise you are so much better off. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 Well, apparently when she said it was over last week, she didn't actually say it was over, and she is still looking to see what we could salvage or at least improve in our relationship. Bit too late really. That was an absolute kick in the teeth last week, and I was so low, so angry, so frustrated, so many "emotions" inside. She keeps saying that we are separated, whereas I say that it's still a relationship if you're trying to fix it, and it's separated when you have stopped. If she actually wanted to fix things then she wouldn't classify us in such a final and definitive way. We've taken to sleeping in separate houses now, rotating in and out between our house and our parents' houses. It's pretty crap, and she had Friday night, and basically the whole of Saturday to herself. We then slept in separate beds overnight before having a family day. I was fun, I was engaging, I was a great Dad, and she was... miserable. Why was she miserable? Because our daughter is difficult and she's behind on her work, and she thinks that the house needs more cleaning. But hey, she said that it's me that makes her negative and unhappy, and definitely not those things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoSoRose Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 6 minutes ago, Chris1989 said: Well, apparently when she said it was over last week, she didn't actually say it was over, and she is still looking to see what we could salvage or at least improve in our relationship. Bit too late really. That was an absolute kick in the teeth last week, and I was so low, so angry, so frustrated, so many "emotions" inside. She keeps saying that we are separated, whereas I say that it's still a relationship if you're trying to fix it, and it's separated when you have stopped. If she actually wanted to fix things then she wouldn't classify us in such a final and definitive way. We've taken to sleeping in separate houses now, rotating in and out between our house and our parents' houses. It's pretty crap, and she had Friday night, and basically the whole of Saturday to herself. We then slept in separate beds overnight before having a family day. I was fun, I was engaging, I was a great Dad, and she was... miserable. Why was she miserable? Because our daughter is difficult and she's behind on her work, and she thinks that the house needs more cleaning. But hey, she said that it's me that makes her negative and unhappy, and definitely not those things. Sorry man. I feel terrible saying this, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make her come around Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 2 minutes ago, ZoSoRose said: Sorry man. I feel terrible saying this, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make her come around I've accepted this. She doesn't want it enough. I've just been an absolute saint of a husband and she didn't even put a hand on my shoulder and say thanks on her went out tonight. Just "good luck at your meeting tomorrow, I hope it goes well" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoSoRose Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Chris1989 said: I've accepted this. She doesn't want it enough. I've just been an absolute saint of a husband and she didn't even put a hand on my shoulder and say thanks on her went out tonight. Just "good luck at your meeting tomorrow, I hope it goes well" That is just awful. The indifference is the worst. Do you have a prenup or anything? Edited February 11 by ZoSoRose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 (edited) 1 hour ago, ZoSoRose said: That is just awful. The indifference is the worst. Do you have a prenup or anything? No, but we have always paid for everything 50/50 until the last few years so it should be a simple and amicable split. When I was earning £22k and she was earning £30k, we put the same in every month. Now I'm earning £42k and she's earning £33k it's expected that I pay more. I've accepted that because she went down to part time, and I had no issues supporting the family, but that's come to an end. Unsurprisingly she's only just becoming aware of how financially fucked she is without me Tough shit sweetie. Maybe you should have thought about that before blaming me for your unhappiness instead of admitting being a mum hasn't been what you hoped, and your job isn't providing you the fulfillment you need. Edited February 11 by Chris1989 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janrichmond Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 @Chris1989 Has she met someone else? It's possible and that's why she's being a bit vague with her reasons for ending the relationship. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MillionsOfSpiders Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 4 hours ago, janrichmond said: @Chris1989 Has she met someone else? It's possible and that's why she's being a bit vague with her reasons for ending the relationship. It really does sound like the classic case, sorry to say 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris1989 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 I directly asked her that question, as well as if she finds somebody else attractive, if she wants to be with somebody specific, and she has flat out denied it, insisted she never cheated on me etc. Considering how honest (brutally and nastily at times) she has been to me, I see no benefit to her playing her current game if she had met somebody else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janrichmond Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 50 minutes ago, Chris1989 said: I directly asked her that question, as well as if she finds somebody else attractive, if she wants to be with somebody specific, and she has flat out denied it, insisted she never cheated on me etc. Considering how honest (brutally and nastily at times) she has been to me, I see no benefit to her playing her current game if she had met somebody else. Because, maybe she doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy? By forcing you to end it she feels less guilty and responsible. Obviously I'm just guessing here but I hope you find some peace soon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cantona Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 On 1/24/2024 at 6:18 PM, Eric Cantona said: I met someone yesterday whom I haven't seen in about four or five years. We never knew each other that well before, so we got to learn a lot of cool stuff about each other as well as reconnecting. I had decided to go to the weekly jam at a local bar for the first time in months, and she had decided to check it out for the first time, so we happened to bump into each other in there and spent the whole night catching up and talking. We're getting coffee on Friday Looking forward to a pleasant Valentine's Day! We're going to the city for some exploring and then making home cooked meals for each other. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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