Family/Friends Situation- Advice Requested

[alfierose]

1 minute ago, Slash787 said:

Thanks for the detailed reply and sharing these things with us

I do understand where you are coming from, its a pretty messed up situation, but I can say even this is an experience in life, Its sad what people have to go through but if some one learns from it then nothing can be better than that. 

I realise written down it sounds a bit messed up but I don't want to give the impression it's bad in a day to day reality sense. My parents were good, kind people and I had a happy and fairly privileged childhood, realistically probably much better than the one I would have had otherwise. It's more an inwardly looking, slightly navel gazing way it can affect you if you let it which is why it's something I've tried not to dwell on too much in adulthood. Some people have much, much worse lives than me being brought up by the people that actually spawned them.

[Gracii Guns]

11 hours ago, Len B'stard said:

Why wouldn't your kids be allowed to see their grandad?

It's a long story but…

My husband's parents split up when he was around 12 years old, and while he lived with his mum and grandma, he got to see his dad regularly. Around a year later, his dad was arrested and convicted for paedophilia. He always claimed his innocence. Husband's older brother and sister sided with their dad (because who wouldn't defend their dad in bad circumstances?) but my husband was a bit more emotionally mature than them and decided to go with the court's decision, therefore also concluded that his dad was a pathological liar as well as someone with illicit fetishes. So he stuck with his mum while his siblings went their separate ways. In the meantime, dad was going out of his way to spoil my husband's brother and sister with gifts, while husband was ignored. They were always cash strapped, so this was a really big deal to a 13-year old lad who never got any new school uniform or stuff. My husband has tried to patch up the relationship a couple of times, but he's not really felt anything when he's visited. His brother and sister now have kids of their own, who are growing and see their grandad regularly. Our kids will likely live quite close to their cousins, so they'll learn one day that their missing grandad isn't dead or whatever, but lives a few miles away and has a good relationship with the cousins. I was blessed enough to always have 4 grandparents and 1 great-grandmother until I was an adult, and by contrast our kids aren't going to have much in the way of grandparents due to what happened with my mum and all of the above. 

Of course, they'll always have their Uncle Len for pearls of wisdom.  

[Len Cnut]

22 minutes ago, Gracii Guns said:

It's a long story but…

My husband's parents split up when he was around 12 years old, and while he lived with his mum and grandma, he got to see his dad regularly. Around a year later, his dad was arrested and convicted for paedophilia. He always claimed his innocence. Husband's older brother and sister sided with their dad (because who wouldn't defend their dad in bad circumstances?) but my husband was a bit more emotionally mature than them and decided to go with the court's decision, therefore also concluded that his dad was a pathological liar as well as someone with illicit fetishes. So he stuck with his mum while his siblings went their separate ways. In the meantime, dad was going out of his way to spoil my husband's brother and sister with gifts, while husband was ignored. They were always cash strapped, so this was a really big deal to a 13-year old lad who never got any new school uniform or stuff. My husband has tried to patch up the relationship a couple of times, but he's not really felt anything when he's visited. His brother and sister now have kids of their own, who are growing and see their grandad regularly. Our kids will likely live quite close to their cousins, so they'll learn one day that their missing grandad isn't dead or whatever, but lives a few miles away and has a good relationship with the cousins. I was blessed enough to always have 4 grandparents and 1 great-grandmother until I was an adult, and by contrast our kids aren't going to have much in the way of grandparents due to what happened with my mum and all of the above. 

Of course, they'll always have their Uncle Len for pearls of wisdom.  

They certainly will . Your hubbys got a lot of balls, bless him, standing by his convictions like that, sounds like a good man, you're a lucky little girl.

[Gracii Guns]

Just now, Len B'stard said:

They certainly will . Your hubbys got a lot of balls, bless him, standing by his convictions like that, sounds like a good man, you're a lucky little girl.

I am very lucky to have him. He's very stubborn. Intelligent and well-considered. When he has a view, he'll stick to it until the end. And I'm not going to comment on his balls.  

[Len Cnut]

Aww, i was looking forward to that bit

[RQRQ]

I would actually say now is a good time to tell this little girl.  She is obviously loved and well cared for and has a maternal figure in her life and feels how every 4 year old should feel- safe and nurtured.

At this present time the situation is actually worse for the adults as they understand the abandonment that has happened here.  The little girl is young enough to just accept what ever comes her way.

It doesn't have to be a huge discussion with why's or how's.   She just needs to be told that she is very loved and that she has two Mummy's- the one who cares and loves her daily and one who wasn't feeling very well and who has gone away for a rest and to get better (or something similar).  She has no memories of her actual biological Mum to miss or process, her questions won't be particularly difficult because as long as her life as it is right now doesn't change everything to the adorable little mind she has will be fine.

As she gets older the questions will get more complex as she starts to understand the dynamics of family relationships in their simplest forms ie; a parent should love their child and be there for them.

Children accept whatever is their norm easily. There is no reason why this should be a traumatic time for her.

I would say do it sooner rather than later as it is known that from the age of around 8-10 children's perceptions of relationships change- they're getting older and are starting to question more, they understand the family/friendship bonds and start to actually start to think about love and attachment on a more mature level as their characters start to develop- which is why a lot of shifts in friendship occur at this age but they don't have the emotional maturity or experience to process it.

As adults we tend to think of situations using our own emotions and experiences that the children haven't necessarily felt yet.

Her basic need right now is to be loved, cared for and to feel safe- if all these are being met, which they clearly are, this little talk will not be the bombshell you expect.

Sorry if my post is long- I have tried to keep it short as this is the kind of thing I deal with on a daily basis I have a tendency to get carried away!!