burocks Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Santa's Erratic Behavior ContinuesIllitPress International (IP) - The fans of St. Nicholas today were dealt another blow after what many are only able to describe as "selfish, strange behavior".Kringle was in a pre-delivery meeting with some influential parents in a high end neighborhood of Buttfuck, Nowhere, discussing terms for his Dec. 25th chimney decent and drop-off. Things were running smoothly until talks turned to beverage service at the home.Mr. Claus is well known for his love of milk and cookies during his performances. While most homes have complied with his somewhat odd requests, Santa was angered to discover that the couples son, little Timmy the one-armed retard, was lactose-intolerant, and therefore it was house policy that no dairy products were to be available, at any time. Santa, enraged at this constant in the family abode, stormed out the door, cancelling X-mas in the process.Rumours were rampant across the internet of what actually occurred. Santa and his manager, Frankie Franciadis, issued a press release to a major fansite, naughtytodaynicetomorrow.com, in which they claimed the family were unwilling to extinguish the fire in the fireplace, therefore making his delivery difficult.This was the accepted reasoning until the family, who wishes to remain anonymous, came forward to the IllitPress.com newsdesk today to clear their name.Mr. Claus or his management team were not immediately available for comment at the time of this articles publishing.Longtime fans of Kringle are no stranger to his odd behavior and frequent episodes and tantrums. His sleigh team, once thought to be the cream of the crop in the holiday world, has changed drastically over the years. Donner and Blitzen, childhood friends of Claus', left the team after Santa's choice in flight paths no longer matched their own. While the reindeer wanted a more straight forward approach, Santa kept pushing for longer, more elaborate routes. In late 96, most of the team left, leaving only Santa and Herbie, the half retarded reindeer/keyboardest who joined the team in 91.Hopes for a reconciliation between Claus and Rudolph, the lead reindeer, has become less and less likely after years of courtroom battles and public insulting.Witnesses claim that as Claus left the families house, he had Welcome to the Jungle blaring over his sleigh stereo system, and could be heard screaming "I swear. The album will be out this year", baffling all onlookers who "didn't know what the fuck he was talking about".Earlier reports of a lead reindeer with a KFC bucket over his antlers are still unconfirmed.http://illitpress.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizzybeth1 Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Santa's Erratic Behavior ContinuesIllitPress International (IP) - The fans of St. Nicholas today were dealt another blow after what many are only able to describe as "selfish, strange behavior".Kringle was in a pre-delivery meeting with some influential parents in a high end neighborhood of Buttfuck, Nowhere, discussing terms for his Dec. 25th chimney decent and drop-off. Things were running smoothly until talks turned to beverage service at the home.Mr. Claus is well known for his love of milk and cookies during his performances. While most homes have complied with his somewhat odd requests, Santa was angered to discover that the couples son, little Timmy the one-armed retard, was lactose-intolerant, and therefore it was house policy that no dairy products were to be available, at any time. Santa, enraged at this constant in the family abode, stormed out the door, cancelling X-mas in the process.Rumours were rampant across the internet of what actually occurred. Santa and his manager, Frankie Franciadis, issued a press release to a major fansite, naughtytodaynicetomorrow.com, in which they claimed the family were unwilling to extinguish the fire in the fireplace, therefore making his delivery difficult.This was the accepted reasoning until the family, who wishes to remain anonymous, came forward to the IllitPress.com newsdesk today to clear their name.Mr. Claus or his management team were not immediately available for comment at the time of this articles publishing.Longtime fans of Kringle are no stranger to his odd behavior and frequent episodes and tantrums. His sleigh team, once thought to be the cream of the crop in the holiday world, has changed drastically over the years. Donner and Blitzen, childhood friends of Claus', left the team after Santa's choice in flight paths no longer matched their own. While the reindeer wanted a more straight forward approach, Santa kept pushing for longer, more elaborate routes. In late 96, most of the team left, leaving only Santa and Herbie, the half retarded reindeer/keyboardest who joined the team in 91.Hopes for a reconciliation between Claus and Rudolph, the lead reindeer, has become less and less likely after years of courtroom battles and public insulting.Witnesses claim that as Claus left the families house, he had Welcome to the Jungle blaring over his sleigh stereo system, and could be heard screaming "I swear. The album will be out this year", baffling all onlookers who "didn't know what the fuck he was talking about".Earlier reports of a lead reindeer with a KFC bucket over his antlers are still unconfirmed.http://illitpress.com/I know this is very insulting and a smidgen patronising, but it is funny as fuck!!! Some one has a great imagination, yet are also a bit sad to have taken the time to hav think this up!LIZ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass71player Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 ^^ Your signature has THE BEST Piman pic ever. ^^I hear that's the pic of him they'll use inside CD.can we get confirmation fromelsewhere? (i think at this point it deserves it's own abbreviation)anyway... that article was fucking funny, however bleakly on point it was Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tat2d1 Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 That was great! :xmasssanta: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AxlisOld Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 I feel like such a douchebag laughing out loud at my computer in my apartment. Then again...I'm al litttle drunk. YAY!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizzybeth1 Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 ^^ Your signature has THE BEST Piman pic ever. ^^I hear that's the pic of him they'll use inside CD.Yeah it is a cool pic, i googled and found it. I need a new sig now, poor BBF is missing! LIZ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Matt13 Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 ... he came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.He filled all of our stockings with Chinese Democracy and beer,and a big rubber dick for Kaneda the queer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patience 4 Axl Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 In late 96, most of the team left, leaving only Santa and Herbie, the half retarded reindeer/keyboardest who joined the team in 91. That literally made me laugh out loud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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