axlslash Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 I just wrote this now. This is the 10th and final track of the demo that I hope to record in the next few weeks. Please let me know what you think!This is My WorldI look out my window at a picture tattered, tornI see the people's faces downcast and so forlornI know not what to make of itKnow only what to take from itI know it's time to raise my voice and yell:This is my dream, this is my worldBefore your wicked plan can be unfurledI will fight for my rightTo take control with all my mightAnd I'm gonna stand up proudAnd I'm gonna sing it loudMen, women, boys, and girls,This is our worldAs I walk down the street and see the state of things todayI cannot help but feel so lost, just caught up in the freyBut I know that I shall surviveKnow that all people here can thriveI through my head up to the sky and say:This is my dream, this is my worldBefore your wicked plan can be unfurledI will fight for my rightTo take control with all my mightAnd I'm gonna stand up proudAnd I'm gonna sing it loudMen, women, boys, and girls,This is our worldDr. King, he had a dream, and Gandhi starved in jailWhithered down to nothing, so bony, weak, and frail,But both took the world's jabs in strideAnd found the strength they had insideMarched bravely on down justice's great trailAnd this is my dream, this is my worldBefore your wicked plan can be unfurledI will fight for my rightTo take control with all my mightAnd I'm gonna stand up proudAnd I'm gonna sing it loudMen, women, boys, and girls,This is our worldAs I look out my window, the picture's tears begin to fadeIn peoples faces shines new hope, no longer are afraidI see the world improving soAnd in my heart there shines a glowThe glow as reality dawns a brand new day.Yes, this is my dream, this is my worldBefore your wicked plan can be unfurledI will fight for my rightTo take control with all my mightAnd I'm gonna stand up proudAnd I'm gonna sing it loudMen, women, boys, and girls,This is our world Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DirtyDeeds Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 I think that the chorus is really strong and catchy. However, some constructive criticism:You have a number of... I guess you would call them "poetic buzz words" that it seems anyone who writes a poem or lyric has to insert somewhere. I guess what I'm saying is that they've become cliche. God, I hate saying that word "cliche" because it has become its own cliche Seriously, though, these are the words in your lyrics I would TRY to avoid:-forlorn-unfurled-frayand MAYBE these ones, but not nearly as much as the ones I just said:-tattered-torn-frailI hope that didn't completely ruin your lyrics for you haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axlslash Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 (edited) I know that those words do sort of reach the level of cliches, but at the same time I don't think that the fact that a word is used often, or even that rhymes that get used often, disqualifies them. Clearly I'm not trying to write a generic song, but if it is a song that can be specifically mine while still relating to common themes, I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing.Any other thoughts? Edited April 24, 2007 by axlslash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browser Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 make it shorter and I will comment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyMonk Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 A little too 'protest-y' and all that crap for my liking. But you certainly write good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axlslash Posted April 26, 2007 Author Share Posted April 26, 2007 make it shorter and I will commentNot even gonna bother...And Monk, this is about as un-protest as I get! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyMonk Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 And Monk, this is about as un-protest as I get! Oh...well at least you've got your health . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
damian 1200 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Its good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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