Funniest Lyrics

[Izzy's Girl]

Everyone post the funniest lyrics you have heard in a song.

OK despite from this song being a bit racist, even though I am like uber against racism I couldnt stop laughing when I heard this song for the first time, I still laugh now!

Ladies and gentlemen I present Freestyle Chinese Rap by CKY

Who wants to taste my general tso?

You want a piece of my general tso

Im-a give it to you now,

Who like my chopstick hit you in the shit

Wit my little as dick, yellow

If you wanna see me, eat Jell-O

I've never seen nothin' like you before,

I can kick you, higher than you can kick me,

I can kick you way up into a tree

Who wants a taste of my oo-long tea?

Ho-ha-ho-ha-ho chi chi,

Everybody in the phone book named Chang,

Wanna see my wang?

And have a good go and hit the gong with a bang

WAAAA?

Everybody wanna see me throw a fireball,

But that's not right

Not in real life you'll fall,

Down and break your leg,

Everybody wanna see me break a leg,

Well I don't, but I like fried rice,

And I ain't got lice,

Ching chow whoa ching wang woo wice,

That ain't nice,

For fortune cookie, I always touch it twice

Delivery's free, but not from me,

I always charge a dolla-fifty, fifty-five

Wanna see me GO GA?

Hit you with the lang, HII-YA!

War when I hit you with the shit

Do a split take a shit

After you eat my shit Kung-Fu,

Want my buffet? You fucking gay, Ah

Wai-lo hit you with the hay,

Stay the fuck away,

Hit you in the balls,

Only Americans eat duck sauce,

And my soy sauce is for you,

I can put it in your chew,

Watch this, I can tiptoe while you take a piss

In my bathroom spy on you

While your little boy shits, Waiiiii-YA!

I can kick you if you don't pay the bill,

And if you want a little mint

That's fifty-cent, BITCH

Everything costs a little bit,

So don't expect nothin' for free

At least from me Ching Chang Chewie

I got you from Taiwan city,

And Hong Kong I can smoke a bong

And I can do it all night long,

So don't mistake me for a Viet Cong,

I can get you,

And tackle you take you never see me

When I get you and make you

Rope you up, and put you in a bamboo cage

And make you feel all my rage

Poke you with a little stick

'Til you page your buddies to come Napalm me,

God damn that shit burned blew away

My whole city, Ho-Chi-Mihn,

Shoot a load on your chin

God damn that's a sad goygo goodbye

And if you wanna come on in

You can work into my world where

The yellow shit begins,

HAI-YA

Can't be tamed,

I got shit to control your brain and it's called

Egg-Foo-Young, and Lo-mein

So come on in baby and have it just the same

WAII-YA, HAAA

No wok tow ung di day

HA, I don't suppose, ha haha Huh?

huhhhuhu huh?

[kevdo242]

Thats weird I just downloaded that freestyle! Have you heard Rake Yohns anthem?

[Izzy's Girl]

OMG totally freakazoidery! No I havent

[swlabr]

Welcome to the jungle

We've got fun 'n' games

We got everything you want

Honey, we know the names

We are the people that can find

Whatever you may need

If you got the money, honey

We got your disease

CHORUS:

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

knees, knees

I wanna watch you bleed

Welcome to the jungle

We take it day by day

If you want it you're gonna bleed

But it's the price you pay

And you're a very sexy girl

That's very hard to please

You can taste the bright lights

But you won't get them for free

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine

I, I wanna hear you scream

Welcome to the jungle

It gets worse here everyday

Ya learn ta live like an animal

In the jungle where we play

If you got a hunger for what you see

You'll take it eventually

You can have anything you want

But you better not take it from me

CHORUS

And when you're high you never

Ever want to come down, YEAH!

You know where you are

You're in the jungle baby

You're gonna die

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

It' gonna bring you down-HA!

:chef:

[kevdo242]

OMG totally freakazoidery!    No I havent

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Its classic, not as good as the chinese freestyle though. Bran is a legend!

[Yamisonic]

How is Welcome To The Jungle funny?

I'd have to say Big Balls by AC/DC though.

[swlabr]

How is Welcome To The Jungle funny?

I'd have to say Big Balls by AC/DC though.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was kidding.

Tom Green with 'The Bum Bum Song'

[stevGNR666]

thank you dear lady

for being my mom

you did all my homework

you brought me to prom

but i

was the only guy

who got lucky that night

thank you stephen lynch

[igyhi]

Steve Vai - Fuck Yourself

Fuck yourself with a rubber hose

Stick it in your mouth and down your throat

Up your nose and in your heinie hole

I don't care where it goes

And it don't matter if you're straight or gay

You should fuck yourself anyway

Now, you don't have to listen to a word I say

But I know you, you'll be humpin' away

Fuck yourself with your neighbor's nose

If you can't use that, use a 10-foot pole

Stick it up your ass and go for a stroll

Everyone will know you've been to this show

If you can't take, eat my stool

Masturbate with some crazy glue

I don't care what you do

Fock yourself with a garden tool

Fuck yourself with politics

Ahh they're full of fuckin' fuckin' shit

I mean you know we've been lied to ever since we were born

It's amazing that we've been getting fucked that long

Fuck yourself with the world wide web

Man you could ride that sucker right from your bed

You may even meet a Tom, Dick, Jane or Billy

Then grab onto your modem and fuck yourself silly

Fuck yourself with your heart and soul

Give it everything you got, hey I'm talkin' to you

If you can't even fuck yourself,

How ya gonna fuck somebody else?

Fuck yourself with my microphone

I'll give it to you later when we're all alone

We can turn it up loud

And see if you come, but

Don't get your jizz on my microphone

Fuck yourself with organized religion

Now that is some seriously sinnin' business

If the Lord sees their pathetic crimes

He'll be fuckin' them 'til the end of time

And can someone explain to me this racist crap

I know it isn't white, but it isn't black

And to all you people who only see things your way

Well, you can suck my dick and take all day

Fuck your nose with a pound of blow

Watch your money get up and go

but when you burnt your brain and you say

I don't know!

I hate to tell you but I told you so

Fuck yourself with this grunge rock noise

I mean, stuff those albums in your groin

They come down on me because I know how to play -

Hey... fuck you!

Fuck yourself with a copy of Rolling Stone

Or are they too holy for your holiest of holes

Now those people think they're holier than Moses

But aren't they just a bunch of fuckin' posers

Fuck yourself with your mother's jewelry

I won't tell, I ain't a stooly

If you pounce hard enough you'll cough up a ruby

Your blood will be rich and so will your doodie

Fuck yourself with the latest fashion

With your spikes and your hair and those cute little buttons

And if you happen to have some leather and lace

Fuck yourself 'til you're blue in the face

Fuck yourself with your income tax

They're fucking you and that's a fact

Before you know it your money's all spent

And you've just been fucked by the government

Fuck yourself with your lawyer friend

You're the only one that's getting fucked in the end

I have been so fucked by legal bills

that my asshole is the size of Beverly Hills

Fuck yourself with your full-length sweater

With your minks and your diamonds and your Irish Setter

With your cash and your trash and your sinks and your drinks

Just fuck yourself 'til you can't even think

Those of you who enjoy this song

thank you thank you, I love you

Let's get it on

But for those of you who are totally outraged

Fuck yourself with your face

And then Vai rips the guitar apart. rock2

[SpUd_Jr]

Alice's Restaurant

By Arlo Guthrie

This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the

restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,

that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's

Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on

Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the

restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the

church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and

Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of

room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,

seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't

have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be

a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So

we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW

microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed

on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the

dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump

closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off

into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the

side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the

cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile

is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we

decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving

dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the

next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,

we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of

garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And

I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope

under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we

finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down

and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the

police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the

shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the

police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at

the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for

being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and

we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out

and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,

which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station

there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was

both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I

can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.

Get in the back of the patrol car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the

quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of

Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop

signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the

Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,

being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to

get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of

cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.

They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and

they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles

and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each

one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,

the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to

mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put

us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your

wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my

wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you

want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I

said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"

Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the

toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took

out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the

toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie

was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice

(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few

nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back

to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,

and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten

colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back

of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,

and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy

pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he

sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the

twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows

and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.

And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles

and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,

'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American

blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the

judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy

pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each

one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And

we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not

what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,

where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,

neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one

day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so

I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to

look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted

to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,

and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all

kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave

me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I

wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and

guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,

KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and

he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down

yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,

sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,

detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me

at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four

hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty

ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was

inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no

part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the

last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,

and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got

one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,

with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all

the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever

go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten

colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on

the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want

you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's

where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after

committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly

looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father

rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And

they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the

bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest

father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly

'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me

and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay

$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"

And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench

there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I

said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,

and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,

father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the

bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of

things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it

up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-

know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-

you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-

officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for

forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had

fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,

and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it

down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the

pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the

other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on

the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the

following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to

ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm

sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench

'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,

kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and

said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints

off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a

study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm

singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar

situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a

situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into

the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get

anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if

one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and

they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,

they may think they're both hooray for tolerance&#33;s and they won't take either of them.

And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in

singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an

organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said

fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and

walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and

all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the

guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and

sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.

I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it

for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part

harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Excepting Alice

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum

At Alice's Restaurant

[SpUd_Jr]

Albuquerque

By Weird Al Yanchovic

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the

stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the

street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,

back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...

except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my

mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.

Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!

Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.

I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an

oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S

GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my

mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half

years old.

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that

basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is

always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels

are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles

all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for

a nickel!

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream

came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this

contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in

Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand

prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...

to Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta

tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large

Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in

back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of

Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with

Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we

went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a

giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'

wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'

along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone

and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed

glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous

Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can

eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're

clean.

Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned

on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate

mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's

a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?

I say, "Who is it?" No answer.

"Who is it?" There's no answer.

"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.

So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,

it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and

only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.

So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and

I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a

snorkel to me."

And he's like, "Tough!"

And I'm like, "Give it!"

And he's like, "Make me!"

And I'm like, "'kay!"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear

and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave

a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in

the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty

seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?

I'll tell ya what it said!

It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."

In Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I

made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would

not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to

justice.

But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I

drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the

counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"

I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."

I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."

I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."

I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"

I said, "You got any apple fritters?"

He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"

I said, "You got any bear claws?"

He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."

"No, we're outta bear claws!"

I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"

He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."

I said, "OK, I'll take that."

So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out

and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.

Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You

know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started

goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:

DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em

off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,

AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my

face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like

a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly

when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a

caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of

strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to

me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece

of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got

married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,

Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.

But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie

pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!

Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"

So we broke up, and I never saw her again

but that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week

later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a

part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I

put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty

jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.

OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess

earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty

tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to

him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And

Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you

to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just

being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know

that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got

a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to

me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.

Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out

of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all

over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps

rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!

AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of

the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.

Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of

saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...

I HATE SAUERKRAUT!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,

if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential

quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and

isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take

a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this

crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place

called Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said A! (A!)

L! (L!)

B! (B!)

U! (U!)

.... querque! (querque!)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

Al...buquerque!

*burp*

heh heh heh heh

[Death Star]

Elmo's got a gun

Elmo's got a gun

Big bird's on the run

Ernie's dialin' 911

What made elmo snap,

Was he tired of big birds crap?

They said when Elmo was arrested

They found Oscar headless in the trash

I hear that Gordon's really runnin

Now that elmos got a gun,

The streets never gonna be the same.

Elmo's got a gun

Elmo's got a gun

Grover's head has come undone

Sesame street's not real fun -

*GUNSHOT*

You want me to walk around sesame street without a bulletproof vest?!?

Forget about it!

This song is by Norfolk, VA DJ's "Tommy & Rumble"

[Rumin]

By Bob Dylan:

I Shall Be Free

I Shall Be Free No. 10

Talkin' World War III Blues

Motorpsycho Nitemare

On The Road Again

[Riie]

NOFX

"My Vagina"

My vagina has two sets of lips

But I don't get monthly blood drips

My vagina hardly even used

My vagina's got lots of extra skin

They took my outtie and made it an in

Changing Donnie to Marie Osmond

Operation successfull

But now I gotta pee

Through a miniature hole

Gotta remember to put the seat down

And when I wipe my ass

I go from front to back

Cause I don't want a bladder infection

I never thought I'd miss my vas deferans

I traded it in for a pair of huge cans

Now I get to hang with lesbians

Operation paid up front

Now I show all my friends

My new designer cunt

They think I'm kinda weird

But that's OK with me

Cause now I kick their ass

Playing from the ladies tee

Theres nothing finer than having a vagina

they are gods...

[SHAZ65]

NOFX

"My Vagina"

My vagina has two sets of lips

But I don't get monthly blood drips

My vagina hardly even used

My vagina's got lots of extra skin

They took my outtie and made it an in

Changing Donnie to Marie Osmond

Operation successfull

But now I gotta pee

Through a miniature hole

Gotta remember to put the seat down

And when I wipe my ass

I go from front to back

Cause I don't want a bladder infection

I never thought I'd miss my vas deferans

I traded it in for a pair of huge cans

Now I get to hang with lesbians

Operation paid up front

Now I show all my friends

My new designer cunt

They think I'm kinda weird

But that's OK with me

Cause now I kick their ass

Playing from the ladies tee

Theres nothing finer than having a vagina

they are gods...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

How wonderful!

[krissirge]

Anal Cunt - If You Don't Like The Village People, You're Fucking Gay

Jacques Morali wrote the heaviest music ever

Glenn Hughes had a deeper voice than Will from Mortician

He wore chains before Slayer and Venom

Jacques Morali was portrayed by Steve Guttenberg

[Chorus 1:]

If you don't like the Village people- you're fucking gay

If you think Jeff Olson was better cowboy- you're fucking gay

If you think Ray Simpson was a better cop- you're fucking gay

If you think Y.M.C.A. was their best song- you're fucking gay

All death metal songs were ripped off from Village People

"Evil dead" by Death is actually "Liberation" from the Village People

Will Rahmer looks like he should be in the Village People

No, Morbid Florist wasn't a reference to Will Rahmer

[Chorus 2:]

If you think Death were good after their demos- you're fucking gay

If you think rape is wrong- you're fucking gay

If you think the holocaust wasn't funny- you're fucking gay

If you think of Hellhammer as the drummer of Mayhem- you're fucking gay

Y-O-U-R-E-G-A-Y You're gay

Anal Cunt - I Sent Concentration Camp Footage To Americas Funniest Home Videos

MY UNCLE WAS BEST FRIEND WITH HITLER

HE HAD SOME COOL FOOTAGE OF DACHAU

I WAS WATCHING AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS ON DUST

AND SENDT SOME FOOTAGE TO THAT FUCKING GAY SHOW

I SENT CONCENTRATION CAMP FOOTAGE TO AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS

I SENT CONCENTRATION CAMP FOOTAGE TO AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS

I DIDN'T WIN THE $10,000

SO I SENT INTERMENT CAMP FOOTAGE

I DIDN'T WIN AGAIN

SO I SENT BIRTH OF A NATION

plus a lot of Cannibal Corpse lyrics

[Hyp3rFi3rc3]

The machine of a dream, such a clean machine.

With the pistons a pumpin', and the hubcaps all gleam.

When I'm holding your wheel,

All I hear is your gear,

When my hands on your grease gun,

Oh it's like a disease son,

I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,

Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar,

Such a thrill when your radias squeal.

Told my girl I just had to forget her,

Rather buy me a new carburettor,

So she made tracks sayin' this is the end now,

Cars don't talk back they're just four wheeled friends now,

When I'm holding your wheel,

All I hear is your gear,

When I'm cruisin' in overdrive,

Don't have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive,

I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,

I'm in love with my car, string back gloves in my automobile!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AND

I'm a Medieval man!

I'm a Medieval man!

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Why do you keep touching me?

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Why do you keep touching me?

Daboo Daboo!

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Daboo Daboo!

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Daboo Daboo!

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what do you want?

Daboo Daboo!

Why do you keep touching me?

Daboo Daboo!

Daboo Daboo!

Oooooo!

In the age of chaos,

In the age of chaos,

Two factions battle for dominance!

In the age of chaos,

In the age of chaos,

Two factions battle for dominance!

Welcome To The World Of Warcraft!!!

[stevGNR666]

why don't we do it in the road?

why don't we do it in the road?

why don't we do it in the road?

No one will be watching us

why don't we do it in the road?

repeat and fade

[Guest katie]

billy brag makes any song hilarious....his voice is commical (bill bailey made fun of him once...very good)

[kevdo242]

On the topic of Bill Bailey, anyone heard his version of the magic roundabout?

[Max™]

I'm suprised nobodies mentioned:

I been thinkin' 'bout

Thinkin' 'bout sex

Always hungry for somethin'

That I haven't had yet

Maybe baby you got somethin' to lose

Well I got somethin',

I got somethin' for you

My way-your way

Anything goes tonight

My way-your way

Anything goes

Panties 'round your knees

With your ass in debris

Doin' dat grind

with a push and squeeze

Tied up, tied down,

up against the wall

Be my rubbermade baby

An' we can do it all

My way-your way

Anything goes tonight

[Genesis]

I'm suprised nobodies mentioned:

I been thinkin' 'bout

Thinkin' 'bout sex

Always hungry for somethin'

That I haven't had yet

Maybe baby you got somethin' to lose

Well I got somethin',

I got somethin' for you

My way-your way

Anything goes tonight

My way-your way

Anything goes

Panties 'round your knees

With your ass in debris

Doin' dat grind

with a push and squeeze

Tied up, tied down,

up against the wall

Be my rubbermade baby

An' we can do it all

My way-your way

Anything goes tonight

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOL!!!!!1

[damian 1200]

Insane Clown Posse (ICP)

Fuck The World

(fuck)

(fuck dis shit)

(fuck...give it to me)

If I only could I'd set the world on fire (x3)

Say fuck the world

FUCK THE WORLD!

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Fuck 'em all

FUCK 'EM ALL

Fuck you, fuck me, fuck us

Fuck Tom fuck Mary fuck Gus

Fuck dairies, fuck the west coast and fuck everybody on the east

EAT SHIT AND DIE, or fuck off atleast

Fuck pre-schoolers, fuck reblers, kings and queens and gold jewlers

Fuck wine coolers

Fuck chickens, fuck ducks

Everybody in your crew sucks punk motha fucks

Fuck cridicts, fuck your review

Even if you like me, FUCK YOU!

Fuck your mom, fuck your mom's mamma

Fuck the Beastie Boys and the dalli llama

Fuck the rain forest, fuck a forest gump

You probably like it in the RUMP, fuck a shoe pump

Fuck the real deal, and fuck all the fakes

Fuck all 52 states, oooh

And fuck you

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Say fuck the world

FUCK THE WORLD!

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Fuck 'em all

FUCK 'EM ALL

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Say fuck the world

FUCK THE WORLD!

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Fuck 'em all

FUCK 'EM ALL

Fuck opera fuck operah fuck a soap operah

Fuck a pop locker and a cock blocker

Fuck your girlfriend I probably did her already

Fuck Kyle and his brother Tom Petty, jump steady

My homie fuck 'em what are ya gonna do

Fuck that bitch fuck you

Yeah well fuck you too

Don't bother to try and analyze these rhymes

In this song I say FUCK 93 times

Fuck the president, fuck your welfare

Fuck your government and fuck Fred Bear

Fuck Newgent, like anybody gives a fuck

You like to hunt a lot, SO FUCKIN WHAT!

Fuck disco, count a monty crisco

Fuck cisco, and Jack and Jerry Brisco

And fuck everyone that went down with the titanic, in a panick

I'm like, FUCK YOU ALL!!!!

If I only could I'd set the world on fire (keep repeating)

Say fuck the world

FUCK THE WORLD!

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Fuck 'em all

FUCK 'EM ALL (2x)

If I only could I'd set the world on fire (keep repeating)

Say fuck the world

FUCK THE WORLD!

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Fuck 'em all

FUCK EM ALL

Fuck Celine Dion and fuck Dion Warwick

You both make me sick, suck my dick

Fuck the Berlin wall, both sides of it

And fuck Lial Luvit, whoever the fuck that is

Fuck everybody in the hemisphere

Fuck them across the world and fuck them right here

You know the guy that operates the Rouge river draw

bridge in delray on jefferson?

FUCK HIM!

Fuck your idea, fuck your gonarea, fuck your diareah, Rocky Miavia

Fuck your wife your homie did he's fuckin you

Fuck the police and the 50 too

Fuck Spin, Rolling Stone, and fuck Vibe

Fuck everybody inside

Whoevers on the cover, fuck his mother

Fuck your little brother's homie from along the way

And fuck Violent J

[*CrAzY cAt*]

The machine of a dream, such a clean machine.

With the pistons a pumpin', and the hubcaps all gleam.

When I'm holding your wheel,

All I hear is your gear,

When my hands on your grease gun,

Oh it's like a disease son,

I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,

Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar,

Such a thrill when your radias squeal.

Told my girl I just had to forget her,

Rather buy me a new carburettor,

So she made tracks sayin' this is the end now,

Cars don't talk back they're just four wheeled friends now,

When I'm holding your wheel,

All I hear is your gear,

When I'm cruisin' in overdrive,

Don't have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive,

I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,

I'm in love with my car, string back gloves in my automobile!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this one sung by roger taylor is wonderful even if the lirycs are so... funny

[Wildrose]

Cherry Pie by Warrant.