Possibly the most funniest interview in rocknroll

[gnruk]

How, I wonder, do Oasis feel about their notoriety as rock 'n' roll pigs?

Liam: "I'm into it, me. I'm into it. But at the end of the day, I go off home and get a clip off me mam. And I DO. She clips me around the ear and goes, 'What have you been doing, you mad bastard?' But I like the way it's bubbling up. It's like the Roses all over again. I like that, me. I want to get 2000 people in a nice f---ing gaff who are there to see ME…"

Noel: "That's not what he's on about."

Liam: "He is."

Noel: "No he's f---ing not. He's on about getting thrown off ferries."

This is true.

Noel: "Well, the thing about getting thrown off ferries and getting deported is not summat I'm proud about."

Liam: "Well I am, la."

Noel: "Right then. Well if you're proud about getting thrown off ferries then why don't you go and support West Ham and get the f--- out of my band and go and be a f---ing football hooligan. We're MUSICIANS, right?"

Liam: "You're only gutted 'cos you were in bed, reading your f---ing books…"

Noel: "SHUT UP YOU DICK. He gets off the ferry after being f---ing deported; and I'm left in Amsterdam with me dick out like a f--ing spare prick at a f---ing wedding…"

Liam: "It was a bad move…"

Noel: "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! He gets off the ferry, and Marcus, our manager, says 'What the f--- are you doing?' This lot think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a ferry. And do know what my manager said to him? He said, 'Nah. Rock 'n' roll is playing in Amsterdam, coming back, and telling everyone you blew 'em away.' NOT getting thrown off the ferry like a f---ing scouse schlepper with handcuffs. I won't stand for it. It's football hooliganism."

Liam: "No it isn't."

Noel: "Listen. They all got fined a thousand pounds each…"

Liam: "NO WE F---ING DIDN'T. You can stick your thousand pounds right up your arse till it comes out your f---ing big toe. What happened on that boat, right, is this. We had a few f---ing drinks, 'cos I like drinking. I love it.

" Noel (now in bathroom, urinating): "You can't drink, you dickhead."

There now follows a confused argument about the creative merits or otherwise of the Sex Pistols, ending with the journalist briefly suggesting that ferry ejection-type hoo-hah probably made the Rolling Stones the great band they once were. Liam agrees. You know the next bit already.

Noel: "What?! BECAUSE THE ROLLING STONES GOT ARRESTED THEY WERE A GREAT ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND? F--- off. Bullshit."

Liam: "No no no! They had summat else there besides the music."

Noel: "What? Some sort of edge? Is that what you're saying?"

Liam: "No. They had a LIFE, you dickhead."

Noel: "We've got a life."

Liam: "Not if you start going on like that. What do you want to do? Walk around like THIS?" (begins to mince up and down the bed)."

Noel: "Not at all. What I'm saying is, you think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a ferry. And it's not."

Liam: "I DON'T think it's rock 'n' roll."

Noel: "You f---ing do: that was your quote, you prick! THAT WAS YOUR QUOTE! 'IT'S ROCK AND ROOOOOOOLLL! IT'S ROCK AND ROOOOOOLLLL!' All I'm saying is, we're not a f---ing bunch of boxers."

"70 PER cent of what people like about us is the music," says Noel. "I'll take that 70 per cent, and you take the other 30 per cent and get to f--- with it, man. People should NOT judge our band on getting thrown off ferries or being escorted off Stonehenge or nicking golfcarts."

Liam: "They're not doing that."

Noel: "THEY ARE! That's what he just f---ing SAID!"

Liam: "You want to be Andrew Lloyd Webber, you do. You f---er."

Noel (smiling): "Who's Andrew Lloyd Webber?"

Liam (also smiling): "I haven't got a clue. He's a golfer or something."

Noel: "Right. Shut the f--- up then. What I'm saying is, it's not about saying 'We're hard'. That's what the Mondays were about. F---ing hell, man…"

Noel stands up.

Liam: "Sit down, man. You're getting in a state. You've had too many G and T's. Sit the f--- down. The Mondays were not about 'We're hard'. It was like 'we like having loads of Es, being in a band, shagging loads of whores…'"

Noel (evidently getting the wrong end of the stick): "No, YOU like shagging loads of whores." Liam: "Yeah I do… Look, all I've got to say is, I'm just having a crack. It's not doing anyone any harm. John Lennon used to do loads of mad things…"

Noel: "Do you know John Lennon?"

Liam: "Yeah, I do."

Noel: "Well you must be pretty old then. How old are you? 21?"

Liam: "No. About 1005."

Noel: "You're 22. And I watched you being born, so shut the f--- up about knowing John Lennon."

"You could wait for a lifetime/To spend your days in the sunshine/You might as well do the white line…"

'Cigarettes And Alcohol'

THERE IS something not entirely consistent about Noel's dislike of Liam's love affair with rock debauchery. It's bound up with his own prodigious drug intake, and the lyrics of 'Cigarettes And Alcohol' (given away on NME's 'Mutha Of Creation' tape). He seems as up to his neck in naughtiness as his brother, really.

Noel: "No! That's not being bad. That's part of f---ing LIFE. We all snort white lines…every day."

Liam: "Exactly. And we all get into trouble now and again."

Noel: "No we don't. We don't ALL get into trouble."

Liam: "You're like me dad."

Noel: "'Course I'm like your f---ing dad. It's only f---ing right. Now, are we talking about the lyrics or are we talking about football hooliganism?"

A bit of both.

Noel: "Well, football hooliganism I can do without. I'm a lover not a fighter. Anyway, where were we?"

'Cigarettes And Alcohol'. The bit about white lines.

Noel: "Right. 'You might as well do the white line.' I'm sorry mate, but that is a fact of everyday life. We wrote that song when we were on the dole. Like I was saying, all you need is cigarettes and alcohol, a f---ing bag of drugs, a ghetto blaster and your mates. Drugs have been a part of our lives since I can remember."

Liam: "So's fighting."

Noel: "No it hasn't. When was the last time I had a fight?"

Liam (suddenly looking rather evil): "When the school bully nicked your f---ing dinner ticket. Look, I don't go round saying I'm a hard f---er. But these things happen. And if some dick, like this Johnny Cigarettes, says something…"

It's probably helpful at this point to go back to Mr Cigarettes' NME review of late last year, which alleged that Liam was an "Ian Brown-as-Tim Burgess slob of a frontman".

Liam: "…I'll slap him all around the show."

Noel: "Shut up, man. SHUT UP!"

Liam: "No, you shut up."

Noel: "No, YOU shut up."

Liam: "No, you shut up. If he doesn't like the band, he doesn't like the band. But he's calling me a personal thing, so therefore he's like a guy in a pub, not a f---ing reporter. And if I ever meet the f---er, I'll slap him."

Noel: "You're talking shit."

He's six foot seven.

Liam: "Doesn't matter. I'll hit him with a bottle, right in his kipper."

Noel: "Oh f---! That's it, man. Look: it's about MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC!"

Liam: "Alright. Being in a band IS about music."

Noel: "But you've just said you're going to hit some journalist with a BOTTLE."

Liam: "I probably won't. But I might do. You don't f---ing know. If the situation occurs, if Johnny Cigarettes is there, I'd f---ing slap the dick all around. He didn't judge any f---ing songs, he just turned round and said, 'I'm going to slag 'em off.' People listen to Johnny Cigarettes…"

Noel: "You, in the last two hours, have been a pop star."

Liam: "I'm not a pop star. And if I am, I'm a real one, matey. I haven't been invented. I'm an average lad who was born in Burnage, who played conkers…"

Noel (super-incredulously): "CONKERS?"

Liam: "Conkers, mate. Conkers. The f---ing lot. Conkers. That is it. And now I'm in a band, and nothing's f---ing changed. I'm not an idol, I'm not a faker, I'm not some f---ing bullshitter. I just say what I say, and if they can't handle it… If Johnny Cigarettes calls me a f---ing slob, he deserves a slap. Alright? Simple. I'll smash the f--- out of him."

Noel: "Right. That's it. Stop the f---ing tape."

IT'S ROUND about now that we witness the hand-in-face, near-miss brotherly punch-up scenario, only eased by the intervention of the press officer, more gin and tonic, and the calming revelation that all this animosity is nothing at all new. After all, all the best bands hate each other.

"Yeah," says Liam. "Well I hate this bastard. And that's what it's all about. That's why we'll be the best band in the world: 'cos I f---ing hate that twat there. And I hope one day there's a time when I can smash the f--- out of him. With a f---ing Rickenbacker. Right on his nose. And then he can do the same to me."

How often do they argue like they just have?

"Every day," sighs Noel. "Hourly. But it's not hate. It's love. I don't hate him. I love him. It's one of them. We're brothers, man. It's deep shit."

So now you know. It is now about two in the morning. We have a night to spend in among the corridors of the Forte Crest hotel, playing Verve and Charlatans records and talking nonsense. There is but one question left to ask.

When did these South Mancunian second generation Irish Catholics last set foot in a church? "A long time ago," smiles Noel. "When I got confirmed. Religion's shit, because when the aliens land on this planet, which they are going to do, sooner or later… when that big spaceship lands, Pope John Paul II has not got a f---ing leg to stand on. This bullshit here (reaches for a bible from his bedside table) does not mention spacemen." Liam has his own bible story. It goes like this:

"Adam and Eve had two sons, yeah? They had a fight. One f---ing son stabbed the other. So he comes back and says, I f---ing stabbed whatever he was called. So Adam says, Look geezer, f--- off to the Land Of Nod."

"THE LAND OF NOD?! Where the f---ing hell is that? My religion is The Beatles."

Bless you, my son. You and your brother are the Kane and Abel of Burnage, you have chanced upon rock 'n' roll genius, and we are left with no option but to salute you.

John Harris

Edited September 2, 2004 by gnruk

[moreblack]

wow...

I'm speechless.

The boys are a bit nutty...

And you like these guys why?

Edited September 2, 2004 by moreblack

[Genesis]

Because in their prime, they made some great music

[rocketking]

[darkstar_legend]

That's what I want to hear.

[duff1234]

great interview.

[stratomaster]

haha gives Manchester a bad name!

[toffeegirl]

NOT getting thrown off the ferry like a f---ing scouse schlepper with handcuffs.

Cheeky bugger. We Scousers have more class.

Great post though, Gnruk. B) They argue like an old married couple.

[gnruk]

NOT getting thrown off the ferry like a f---ing scouse schlepper with handcuffs.

Cheeky bugger. We Scousers have more class.

Great post though, Gnruk. B) They argue like an old married couple.

I love scousers they are the most funniest people on the planet

[Genesis]

Especially Terry, from Brookside.

[gnruk]

Especially Terry, from Brookside.

in a scouse accent "fuckckckckckckckin brooooooooooookside

[toffeegirl]

NOT getting thrown off the ferry like a f---ing scouse schlepper with handcuffs.

Cheeky bugger. We Scousers have more class.

Great post though, Gnruk. B) They argue like an old married couple.

I love scousers they are the most funniest people on the planet

[JeanGenie]

what is a scouser???

[Genesis]

Liverpudlian or someone from around the Liverpool area

[SofaKingWhat]

Thats all fine, but oasis are not rock n roll.

Mind you, busted get classed as rock music. makes me sick.

[gnruk]

Thats all fine, but oasis are not rock n roll.

Mind you, busted get classed as rock music. makes me sick.

how are oasis not rock n roll? is this coming from someone who has only heard wonderwall? yes... i think so.

[SofaKingWhat]

Thats all fine, but oasis are not rock n roll.

Mind you, busted get classed as rock music. makes me sick.

how are oasis not rock n roll? is this coming from someone who has only heard wonderwall? yes... i think so.

Haha aye aye, ive only ever heard wonderwall. my you have such a bitter judge of character.

When i think rock n roll i think chuck berry, jerry lee lewis, sugar tree club. But sorry, people these days have a strange misconception on music genres these days and slap on any title which pleases them.

Such as busted being rock...

[gnruk]

Thats all fine, but oasis are not rock n roll.

Mind you, busted get classed as rock music. makes me sick.

how are oasis not rock n roll? is this coming from someone who has only heard wonderwall? yes... i think so.

Haha aye aye, ive only ever heard wonderwall. my you have such a bitter judge of character.

When i think rock n roll i think chuck berry, jerry lee lewis, sugar tree club. But sorry, people these days have a strange misconception on music genres these days and slap on any title which pleases them.

Such as busted being rock...

why do you keep bringing up busted man, what do they have to do with oasis.. the music is there man if you love it; you love it. Its rock n roll to me and a lot of other people:)

[SofaKingWhat]

Thats all fine, but oasis are not rock n roll.

Mind you, busted get classed as rock music. makes me sick.

how are oasis not rock n roll? is this coming from someone who has only heard wonderwall? yes... i think so.

Haha aye aye, ive only ever heard wonderwall. my you have such a bitter judge of character.

When i think rock n roll i think chuck berry, jerry lee lewis, sugar tree club. But sorry, people these days have a strange misconception on music genres these days and slap on any title which pleases them.

Such as busted being rock...

why do you keep bringing up busted man, what do they have to do with oasis.. the music is there man if you love it; you love it. Its rock n roll to me and a lot of other people:)

Aww dude you missed the point.

reference to busted was about peoples misconception of what genre music today is classed as.

[scottyboy_1986]

Thats all fine, but oasis are not rock n roll.

Mind you, busted get classed as rock music. makes me sick.

me too....

[Raas]

Oassholes.

It's beyond my mind how they got famous.