a song i wrote

[ssiscool]

please note this is my very first attempt at writing a song and it is probably not very good. feedback is welcome but please dont take the piss. everyone who writes songs had to start somewhere. so here it is

Alone.

When your talking but no-one is listening

You find you’re alone, on your own

And no longer care

You seem to think that it was going to be different

So what you going to do, I guess it will be a surprise

You seem to old to love but a broken heart has made you seem this way

I seem to be stuck here now, and unable to get out

I’m not sure if I want to be helped

So why do you try to help me

All I ever wanted was to be alone

Now I have nothing to show except these scars

Now I’m used to the pain and not happy one bit.

I used to love but now I cant. I need to get out

It seems no-one is listening when I want to be heard

So I guess now we will have to wait,

To see if I can’t resolve the problem,

But I doubt it, now we will have to wait and see

When I find out what I done

Maybe I’ll try and resolve it

But I doubt it. I just want to be on my own

Now I am back to reality and maybe I’ll be happy

I no longer want to be alone, just with someone

Who knows how I feel in these times

When I see what has become I feel disorientated and scared

Why did it have to happen this time and this way?

I knew from the start it was not going to last

So why did I try? Why did I bother?

Well now it’s over and I am alone, back to the start.

This is not how it was supposed to be

Maybe I’ll get it right, next time.

as i said this is a first attempt so please say what you think but dont take the piss

[highvoltage]

Feedback: This IS going to be some criticism, but it's constructive and most definately not taking the piss. Don't take it the wrong way - this is just if you're considering writing more songs.

First - The subject matter has been done to death. If you're going to write a depressive song about cutting/heartbreak/being alone, then you need to come up with something new to make it fresh - or it's got to be really special and come from the heart. There's a 10000 other teenagers writing the same song with slightly different lyrics - you have to make yours stand out.

Second - Wallows a bit too much in the self-pity stakes. Just gets a bit whiny after a while - unless you can provide some sort of real emotional imagery that people can connect with, then they're just going to get bored.

Third - You've used some GN'R lines in there - i'm sure it wasn't intentional (i've come close to doing it whilst writing lyrics myself) but they're in there.

Having said that, it sounds like you've drawn on some personal experiences in there. Well done on being able to write about them and having the courage to share that with other people.

[ssiscool]

thanks for thefeedback high its bassed on a true event yeah. i didnt realise i had some GNR lines in there. i know its been done 100's of times but i couldent think of anyhting else at the time (i was in an english lesson) but i'm working on something else at the moment i'll add that one when i'm done. once again thanks as i now know where i gotta improve

[kaddisonmoore]

i liked it. but reminded me alot of estranged. good job though