Drinking Habits, Preferred Pubs/Bars and Stories of Drunken Idiocy!

[Dazey]

Oh fuck here we go. This is my drunk story.

I am pretty much straight edge now. I drink VERY rarely and on very specific circumstance. But I used to drink when I was younger, so this story takes place like maybe 4-5 years ago.

Anyway so me and some mates were having this get together on the beach one evening. Well it quickly turned into an all out drinking extravaganza. Lots of shit happened, pillows were set on fire, I fell asleep on a swing talking to a girl and woke up half an hour later to find myself all alone, some dude decided it was cool to swim fully clothed... I don't remember it all but anyway it was funny shit.

So anyway there's this tent on that beach with a dude living there, like permanently he has electricity connected and shit.

So just hang around drunkenly and then this dude unscrews a light bulb from outside of this tent, yeah? Some shit went down, then all of a sudden I'm making a bet with my mates that I can out the light bulb in my mouth. They're like fuck no that shit is too big and all that. So we put money on the table and I push the bulb into my mouth. It doesn't fit etc, everybody's laughing their asses off. Then I kind of put it as far as it can go, with my mouth fully opened and just hit the bottom part of the bulb and it jumps complete into my mouth, it fucking hurt like the devil himself came up from hell and rage fucked my mouth. Anyway everybody's amazed, on the floor laughing etc. Only problem is... I can't get this thing out. It is fucking stuck and hurts like a motherfucker.

Took a while for their drunk asses to realize I'm in severe pain here and stop laughing long enough to call a cab and take me to the hospital. We arrive at ER, the nurses are holding back their laughs, I'm drooling like a fucking basset hound all over the place. So they put these two things on my jaws that they just screw and it slowly opens my jaw. Oh my god that shit was painful. So they take the bulb out and give it to me as a souvenir.

Our drunk asses stumble like three zombies outside and call a cab. I'm sitting at the back with my friend, holding the fucking bulb. The driver gets fucking curious and asks what's with the bulb. Cause he sees we're talking about it. My friend tells him they had to remove it from my mouth. Driver doesn't believe him. He says there is no fucking chance in hell I put that into my mouth. I fucking put the bulb in my mouth and smack it in again, screaming and drooling like an idiot once again. The amount of laughter in the cab was over 9000, we nearly hit a truck. Driver makes a U-turn, takes me back to the hospital. I enter ER, nurses ON THE FUCKING FLOOR with laughter. I am just mumbling like the fucking idiot I am, shirt wet from all the drool etc. They remove the bulb again and pop it in the trash so I can not do that shit again.

Mind you, I didn't remember parts of the story (like what happened in the cab) and my friends had to tell me, each one told me some parts he remembered and we put it all together.

I've got a funny story about me getting loads of funny looks in the office for laughing like a spasticated Hyena over a story about some muppet from Israel and a lightbulb! Fucking gold!

[Dazey]

it's people like this that make life worth living! Fucking gold!

Pissed as a scoot!

Drunk driver of mobility scooter driver (who is able bodied but says he can't afford a car) ploughs through shop window at 6mph... in REVERSE

Bought scooter for £50 because he 'could not afford to maintain a car'

Mistook reverse gear for forward and smashed into shop window

Banned from driving for 17 months

An able-bodied drink driver who used a 6mph mobility scooter instead a car has been banned from driving after ploughing it into a shop window. Blundering Darren Wells, 37, paid £50 for the vehicle because he couldnt afford to run a car, magistrates at Croydon, south London, heard. But his decision to save time by driving the scooter to a shop instead of walking has now cost him a driving ban for 17 months and more than £400 in fines, charges and compensation.

The father of three had been at a friends funeral wake the night before his accident and had woken up a little worse for wear on April 24. He told the court on Friday, July 20, that he decided rather than walk to the shop near his home, he would take the mobility scooter. Wells pulled up at the shop, but after mistaking the reverse gear for the forward gear, he smashed into the shops window.

Wells, of Wallington,Sutton, said: 'I thought it would be faster to take the scooter. It wasnt.' Asked what speed the scooter was capable of, Wells told the court: 'Well it aint ready for the Grand Prix yet.'

He told the court that he attempted to make amends at the scene: 'I offered to pay him there and then, but he said he needed a crime reference number for his insurance. So I got nicked.'

The case hinged on whether or not a mobility scooter was classed as mechanically propelled under the Road Traffic Act, and if Wells qualified for one under the Chronically Sick and Disabled Persons Act. Wells had only bought the scooter from a friend for £50 because he 'couldnt afford to maintain a car,' the court heard.

Incidentally, the wake was for the man whom Wells had bought the mobility scooter from a month previously.

Wells, an alcoholic, faced jail after breaching a 12-month suspended sentence for assaulting a police officer, but magistrates said it 'would not be in his interest to send him to prison.' Chairwoman of the bench, Angela Glancy, told Wells: 'We are satisfied the scooter was not being used in accordance with legislation. 'If you are caught driving, including the mobility scooter, you will go to prison.'

Wells has been disqualified from driving for 17 months provided he undertakes a drink driving awareness programme as well as being ordered to pay £200 in compensation to the shop owner on top of a £150 fine, £50 in costs and a £15 victim surcharge. At an earlier hearing Wells pleaded guilty to criminal damage for the window for which he was fined £110.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2179166/Drink-driver-ploughs-shop-window-mobility-scooter.html#ixzz21j7llpet

Edited July 26, 2012 by Dazey