Is this PTSD?

[Cosmo]

When I was born I was infected with bacterial meningitis in the hospital and almost died. I had something called a Ventricule Peritoneal Bypass implanted from my brain to my stomach, basically functioning as the meninges would function, if they still worked after all the complications. Well, that being said, it was almost a miracle but I had not severe colateral effects from the meningitis: All I have is chronic headache, which requires me to take medicine everyday to treat. And yes, when I was 13, I had to change the VPB because the one I had as a baby was too small, but other than that I had no bigger problems in my life regarding this whatsoever.

Well, in about june 2021, my eyesight started getting worse, to the point I had to close one eye to focus on things and properly read, write, drive, etc... So I went to the ophthalmologist and he said my eyes were perfectly normal, there was nothing wrong with them from a ophthalmology point of view - my glasses would remain the same, etc...

So I went to my neurologist. He said it was probably the Astrazeneca COVID vacine I had taken, and that it would pass, because the MRI he request of my head was ok.

I had a few episodic headaches during that time, and went to the hospital, but they gave me medicine and sent me home. I remember that, some times, during the day, I would think my neighboor had the noisiest laundry machine ever, and that I'd hear it no matter how loud I'd put the music on (but turns out it was my brain pulsing inside my head).

Well, a few days later, I think it was a Tuesday or Wednesday night and  I was watching this online course at home alone and then, during the 15-minute break in class, I stood up to go give food to my dog. I remember that when I stood up, I immediately felt dizzy. My legs were weak. Then, when I got down to put the food in my dog's bowl, everything just started spinning and I realised something was off.

That's when I turned off my computer, called my girlfriend and told her what I was feeling. She was at a business dinner but she immediately called an Uber to go home. And then I blacked out. She says when she got home I was naked and passed out in bed, with my bedroom and bathroom completely vomited. So we got on an Uber and headed to the hospital. 

As we drove to the hospital, I started getting worse and I remember that when we got there, I couldn't walk and could barely see so they rushed my to the emergency to give me medicine. The medicine made me feel better and the nurse wanted to release me and send me home again but my girlfriend said I had already been there twice that week and they had done that, and I had gotten worse so she wouldn't go home without a full body MRI. And that saved my life. Turns out my VPB had ruptured in my neck, and the MRI of my head didn't show that. So only a full body MRI would have showed that. 

They put me in a room as my personal neurosurgeon was in another city finishing a symposium and would fly back to Rio to operate on me ASAP. It was about 10PM when I was with my girlfriend in the ICU room waiting for my surgery when my headache seemed like it was going to explode. I remember telling her I was gonna die. She rushed to call the doctors, and they quickly arrived.

From this point on, I don't remember a thing - all I know is, they told her to get out of the room and intubated me, putting me in induced coma. I went in what they call Decerebration Pose and reached Stage 3 of the Glasgow Scale. I didn't respond to any stimuli - not eyesight, not pain, not hearing, nothing. I was literally breathing through the ventilator and that was it. My brain activity was minimum. 

If I'm not mistaken, I woke up Friday night in the ICU next to my father, who had flown in from Sao Paulo. I had no idea what had happened. I tried to move but my hands and legs were tied due to the intubation, and I couldn't speak, because of the tube in my throat. I saw my dad cry of joy as I woke up and I remember being very confused. The next morning, I was visited by my girlfriend and the medical team, who took me off the intubation. The main doctor told me what happened and I remember telling him I had a trip to Europe in two days and they all laughed and said I wouldn't be leaving the hospital for a good while. 

I stayed at the hospital for about a month, and had to go through two more surgeries to go home completely released from all care. And then it was another month without leaving my house.

Well, everything is fine now, I married and moved to Paris with my now-wife, I am living the best days of my life, probably, but something still bothers me - from time to time, more than weekly, more like two or three times a week, I feel this strange eruption of emotion explode through me whenever I remember this episode. I sometimes just start crying out of knowhere, sometimes out of joy and sometimes out of, idk, trauma. It's like... I can't go on a full day without thinking about life, death, and the philosophical aspects of it all. I find it extremely difficult to plan something ahead when it's a year away or more. 

I recently went through a phase where I wanted to know every single detail of what happened that day that I went to the hospital, and it's funny because everyone said they told me several times and I still feel likeI  don't know. I got kinda obsessed by it all, I researched the Glasgow Coma Scale to know more about, researched videos about decerebration, everything I could find. 

It's been one year and a half now - maybe I should get psychological help. Funny thing is - got it right after it happened. And I remember I wasn't as impacted and obsessed by what happened back then as I am now. I remember coming home with nothing but a fresh, grateful stance on life. But I feel like it's kinda like what they say: "when you stare into the void, the void stares back at you". Or something like that.

Oh well, at least it felt good to share here lol

What do you think?

[action]

poor fella

remember, the body is merely a vehicle for the soul which can not be destroyed, and is immortal.

Genuine question, did you feel any connection to a higher level, during that horrible time?

[Cosmo]

32 minutes ago, action said:

poor fella

remember, the body is merely a vehicle for the soul which can not be destroyed, and is immortal.

Genuine question, did you feel any connection to a higher level, during that horrible time?

No, man. I just blacked out. Last thing I kinda remember was that at some point I started coughing and I couldn't stop. Then it all kinda faded to black and I woke up intubated a few days later. I did wake up completely philosophical and introspective lol

[action]

1 minute ago, Cosmo said:

No, man. I just blacked out. Last thing I kinda remember was that at some point I started coughing and I couldn't stop. Then it all kinda faded to black and I woke up intubated a few days later. I did wake up completely philosophical and introspective lol

no dreams? that's odd.

it's interesting that you say, introspective. that means something.

[Cosmo]

5 minutes ago, action said:

no dreams? that's odd.

it's interesting that you say, introspective. that means something.

Yeah man, I felt like I just blacked out and when I woke up, whenever I wasn't speaking or paying attention to someone, I got completely lost inside my thoughts, like deep down.

[action]

30 minutes ago, Cosmo said:

 I got completely lost inside my thoughts, like deep down.

to be able to do this, is a gift many have tried to discover but few have. I'm not joking, this is what tibethan monks are trying to do all their life.

if I were you, I would try to rediscover that "river" that goes deep down inside of you, and follow it where it will lead you. It will lead, to something good, to enlightenment.

Try to make something good, from something bad. What does not kill you, makes you stronger.

[janrichmond]

6 hours ago, Cosmo said:

What do you think?

It could be panic attacks, which sounds trivial but some people have really bad ones.

Hope you feel better soon

[Whiskey Rose]

Yes, I do think you could be experiencing ptsd. 
The delay is possibly bc you were just in shock for a while, at how close you came to death. That sounds very blunt, I’m sorry, but that is something very hard to face, and just the blessing that you were alive may have been all you were ready to handle at that time. 
Your perspective has since shifted, and that’s ok..but I do strongly encourage you to speak with a professional to explore the feelings you are going through now..all of which is completely understandable and natural.. but you want to ensure you work through them in a healthy way, and not become stuck in a negative type of pattern. 
I wish you all the best, you have been through quite a lot! 

 

[action]

2 hours ago, Oldest Goat said:

Sounds rather traumatic so yeah maybe. You should speak to a doctor or psychiatrist if you think it's necessary.

Can relate to a few elements of what you're saying because I recently had a kidney stone which was a rather humbling and sobering experience lol. We tend to take good health for granted. I wish you and your new wife well.

 

that sucks, obviously, but what's with the black hole?

must have been a heavy, sucking kidney stone

[Cosmo]

10 hours ago, Whiskey Rose said:

Yes, I do think you could be experiencing ptsd. 
The delay is possibly bc you were just in shock for a while, at how close you came to death. That sounds very blunt, I’m sorry, but that is something very hard to face, and just the blessing that you were alive may have been all you were ready to handle at that time. 
Your perspective has since shifted, and that’s ok..but I do strongly encourage you to speak with a professional to explore the feelings you are going through now..all of which is completely understandable and natural.. but you want to ensure you work through them in a healthy way, and not become stuck in a negative type of pattern. 
I wish you all the best, you have been through quite a lot! 

 

Thanks. man. Yes, I usually feel ok and treat this as something that has passed but some days I just wake up feeling this strange, empty feeling that's hard to describe. Kinda like "Wow I can't believe that happened to me, I can't believe I'm here now" but while it usually translated to gratefulness, sometimes it just becomes like "why do I make plans for my retirement when I can die just like that?"

 

12 hours ago, janrichmond said:

It could be panic attacks, which sounds trivial but some people have really bad ones.

Hope you feel better soon

Thanks, man. I had a few episodes when I just break down crying out of nowhere, like when I accidentally re-watched a show and remembered it was the last thing I watched before I went to the hospital that night so I just broke down crying and trembling. I should probably seek professional help.

 

Thanks, everyone. I made this thread as yesterday I kinda woke up in a very bad day and couldn't focus on work because of all of this. And I didn't want the judgement of people I know personally, from real life, right now.

 

Thanks.

[Chris1989]

Back in 2009 I started feeling unwell, exhausted, headache etc, but I was 6 months into chemotherapy so figured it was just a low point from that.

I fell asleep on the sofa and my parents found me unresponsive having a series of fits on the floor.

I had a similar experience to you in that I had a total blackout from this point - I'd had a brain haemorrhage, and the bleed had basically switched me off.

The doctors told my parents I was a "we can't make any prognosis - we have to hope he makes it through the night first" case, and I was out for days.

 

When I came through I was groggy as hell, couldn't cope with the slightest of sensation, and don't remember any of the week or two that followed. I couldn't even be touched because a brush on my skin was like I'd be slapped with a razorblade.

 

Again, like you I went though a period of wanting to know more and more about what happened, but nobody will tell me. My family don't want to relive it.

I also went through stages where I would feel quite emotional about it, and it still impacts me today, even though I've gotten married, bought a house, had a child, worked for 12 years etc.

 

I don't m ow if this rambling helps at all, or what the point was, other than to say you're not alone in feeling like this.

[action]

7 hours ago, Oldest Goat said:

No exaggeration; it literally physically felt like my balls were going to explode.

poor bastard

but, you turned out ok, that's the important thing

[Cosmo]

11 hours ago, Chris1989 said:

Again, like you I went though a period of wanting to know more and more about what happened, but nobody will tell me. My family don't want to relive it.

I also went through stages where I would feel quite emotional about it, and it still impacts me today, even though I've gotten married, bought a house, had a child, worked for 12 years etc.

 

I don't m ow if this rambling helps at all, or what the point was, other than to say you're not alone in feeling like this.

That's exactly how I feel. And that's what I felt when I asked people what happened in detail. One day, I really pressured my wife to tell me everything and she did - I literally had to squeeze it out of her. And then when I told my dad I knew what happened, he was kinda worried that I knew. I mean... why? I just gotta know what happened to me, man. 

 

Thanks a lot for the message, man. It helped a lot. And I hope I can also help you in someway, maybe by showing you this might be a "not-so-uncommon" after effect of going through something like that.