The Real McCoy's life issues and style advice thread

[Lio]

I know a guy who doesn't drink and it's actually no problem at all. He doesn't make a big deal out of it, but he has his reasons not to drink. The first time it's a bit strange if you offer him a whole range of drinks and he chooses orange juice, but that's it. He doesn't mind going to bars and he doesn't mind his friends or gf drinking. He's just not uptight with it and imo then it's not a problem. In fact, they're the only couple that doesn't have to debate about who'll be the designated driver

You do make a good point but I'm thinking about this in terms of how I've heard McCoy describe his attitude. He seems to have a real problem with it and I'm sure that's fairly noticable to other people. If people don't care it's one thing and good luck to 'em but when you're sitting there nursing a brew and the other fucker's looking at you like you've just shat on their kids it's something else all together. I thing that kind of attitude is going to make a lot of people uncomfortable because nobody likes to think that they're being judged.

I agree with you, I think McCoy is too uptight about it and that makes it into a problem, I just wanted to point out it didn't have to be one.

[magisme]

Has McCoy taken any decisive action to better his situation yet? No? Sweet.

[SoulMonster]

He won't be asking them to fix him, just some honest hints that might help a newbie like him on the dating scene, and why should he care about appearing odd to a girl he won't be talking to again? Temporary oddness is a small price to pay if he actually gets some more grip on how he appear to girls he like.

He is obviously clueless himself as to what should be done. I see no reason why he should remain clueless if there is a quick solution to the problem. He might not like what the girls will say, he might not be able to fix his problems, but at least he can then accept his fate and start hoarding cats.

Because she won't tell him the truth and therefore it will be pointless. Also women talk to other women and word get around believe me. Basically he's going to get the whole "it's not you it's me" or "I'm just not at that place in my life right now" or some other such cookie cutter cobblers.

To tell him the actual truth is going to require some level of effort on her part and if she's a decent person she's going to do the best she can within reason to avoid upsetting him. I think it's a fool's errand where at best he's going to get misleading information and at worst he's going to get fuckin' tazered!

If he was honest to her about the situation then I actually believe she would be honest back.

And I wouldn't be that afraid of word of mouth causing a problem later on.

Has McCoy taken any decisive action to better his situation yet? No? Sweet.

He made this thread, didn't he?? No wait, he didn't.

[magisme]

Is this horse girl we're talking about? He hasn't even been on a single date with her, has he? How are you going to ask these questions to someone who hasn't gone out with you once and not seem like the craziest person to ever wear a pair of cowboy boots?

[SoulMonster]

It doesn't matter who he asks as long as it is one of those that has rejected him lately. He should probably ask five of them.

How hard it is, really? He walks up to them, his charming self, smiling, and saying what's up and then chat a little about whatever they had success talking about the last time - dressage or whatever - just friendly chatting, then say that he would appreciate if she could just suggest something about himself he could improve upon because he's got a few rejections lately and is sort of lost as to why. It sounds brutal but sometimes you have to crawl through mud to get to dry ground. I think it could work.

[magisme]

How hard it is, really?

He walks up to them, his charming self, smiling, and saying what's up and then chat a little about whatever they had success talking about the last time - dressage or whatever - just friendly chatting

For McCoy? Asked and answered.

[Redhead74]

He won't be asking them to fix him, just some honest hints that might help a newbie like him on the dating scene, and why should he care about appearing odd to a girl he won't be talking to again? Temporary oddness is a small price to pay if he actually gets some more grip on how he appear to girls he like.

He is obviously clueless himself as to what should be done. I see no reason why he should remain clueless if there is a quick solution to the problem. He might not like what the girls will say, he might not be able to fix his problems, but at least he can then accept his fate and start hoarding cats.

Because she won't tell him the truth and therefore it will be pointless. Also women talk to other women and word get around believe me. Basically he's going to get the whole "it's not you it's me" or "I'm just not at that place in my life right now" or some other such cookie cutter cobblers.

To tell him the actual truth is going to require some level of effort on her part and if she's a decent person she's going to do the best she can within reason to avoid upsetting him. I think it's a fool's errand where at best he's going to get misleading information and at worst he's going to get fuckin' tazered!

Women do tend to avoid 2 different scenarios:

1. Awkward, confrontational discussions that might make them appear like a hard-assed bitch (so unfeminine).

2. Any conversation that concerns emotional issues and where their safety might be in question (so hazardous to one's health and general wellbeing).

In this scenario I would think that #1 is more likely.

I know a guy who doesn't drink and it's actually no problem at all. He doesn't make a big deal out of it, but he has his reasons not to drink. The first time it's a bit strange if you offer him a whole range of drinks and he chooses orange juice, but that's it. He doesn't mind going to bars and he doesn't mind his friends or gf drinking. He's just not uptight with it and imo then it's not a problem. In fact, they're the only couple that doesn't have to debate about who'll be the designated driver

You do make a good point but I'm thinking about this in terms of how I've heard McCoy describe his attitude. He seems to have a real problem with it and I'm sure that's fairly noticable to other people. If people don't care it's one thing and good luck to 'em but when you're sitting there nursing a brew and the other fucker's looking at you like you've just shat on their kids it's something else all together. I thing that kind of attitude is going to make a lot of people uncomfortable because nobody likes to think that they're being judged.

I agree with you, I think McCoy is too uptight about it and that makes it into a problem, I just wanted to point out it didn't have to be one.

I don't think he's that uptight actually. I think all his 'conditions' are just excuses for not putting himself out there and what he views as "setting himself up for failure", because when it all boils down he doesn't believe that anyone can or would love him. So naturally you avoid putting yourself in those situations, right?

[Lio]

We'll never know if it's a good idea. McCoy will never ask.

[SoulMonster]

He should do it just so we will know whether it is a good idea or not.

[Lio]

It's the least he can do for us after 185 pages of valuable advice.

[Dazey]

He should do it just so we will know whether it is a good idea or not.

And if it's not at least we get a good laugh eh?

[SoulMonster]

It really is a win-win scenario.

[netcat]

Women do tend to avoid 2 different scenarios:

1. Awkward, confrontational discussions that might make them appear like a hard-assed bitch (so unfeminine).

i know it's hard to believe, but some of them are actually not hard-assed sadistic bitches

and they don't enjoy having awkward personal conversations with people they barely know. and maybe they just don't see the point, as they think all the "brutal truth" will either fall on deaf ears (because people only hear what they want to hear), or will eventually do the guy more harm than good (because as someone already mentioned, "brutal truth" is subjective notion).

[SoulMonster]

i know it's hard to believe, but some of them are actually not hard-assed sadistic bitches

"Some of them"?

[Guest Len B'stard]

You know what she means, wombans!

[netcat]

it's a figure of speech you know, maybe not the best one

[Guest Len B'stard]

Its OK, i know you wombles are funny certain times of the month

[estrangedtwat]

McCoy still reminds me of the guy 100%....

http://sleeplessinaustin.atxmirrors.info/

[Lio]

McCoy still reminds me of the guy 100%....

http://sleeplessinaustin.atxmirrors.info/

What, is he serious ? No girl over 130 lbs ?

[Dazey]

McCoy still reminds me of the guy 100%....

http://sleeplessinaustin.atxmirrors.info/

That's totally Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.

[SoulMonster]

You know what she means, wombans!

Yes, she means that she is a hard-assed sadistic bitch.

[Apollo]

At lunch she said "be brutally honest."

We had a great talk, I told her the things she was doing that would drive normal men away. Simple things like showering me with gifts - she saw it as her showing me how much she liked me. I explained that it seemed a bit desperate and crazy since we'd only been dating a couple months. She thought she was being nice, I told her I'd cringe when she handed me wrapped gifts. She never thought the guy would look at gifts as a bad thing. Now she knows.

doesn't sound like a brutal truth to me. more like a neat excuse

there's no point asking people what's wrong with you.

if you get on their nerves properly, they'll tell you everything on their own accord and you will have no idea how to shut them up. but if they don't want to go there, you will only make things even more awkward than they already are

A neat excuse for what?

"There's no point asking people what's wrong with you"............well, that might be true in YOUR experiences, but not for everybody else. I gave a specific example of how it ended up being a great thing for a friend of mine. Worked out perfectly.

Seems as if some of you have dated some crazy people. You can't even have a civil conversation with them?

I'd have no problem chatting with any ex. And I'd have no problem giving an ex my thoughts on anything they wanted to ask about.

[netcat]

You know what she means, wombans!

Yes, she means that she is a hard-assed sadistic bitch.

no i meant there are no women on the internet, and for a moment i thought you got me

[Dazey]

At lunch she said "be brutally honest."

We had a great talk, I told her the things she was doing that would drive normal men away. Simple things like showering me with gifts - she saw it as her showing me how much she liked me. I explained that it seemed a bit desperate and crazy since we'd only been dating a couple months. She thought she was being nice, I told her I'd cringe when she handed me wrapped gifts. She never thought the guy would look at gifts as a bad thing. Now she knows.

doesn't sound like a brutal truth to me. more like a neat excuse

there's no point asking people what's wrong with you.

if you get on their nerves properly, they'll tell you everything on their own accord and you will have no idea how to shut them up. but if they don't want to go there, you will only make things even more awkward than they already are

A neat excuse for what?

"There's no point asking people what's wrong with you"............well, that might be true in YOUR experiences, but not for everybody else. I gave a specific example of how it ended up being a great thing for a friend of mine. Worked out perfectly.

Seems as if some of you have dated some crazy people. You can't even have a civil conversation with them?

I'd have no problem chatting with any ex. And I'd have no problem giving an ex my thoughts on anything they wanted to ask about.

"Ex" being the operative word though. Not just some random you've had coffee with who won't return your calls.

[Facekicker]

McCoy,

You have talked about "Approach anxiety" and anxiety in social settings quite a bit in this thread without ever really going into detail.

1: So what exactly is it that you are afraid of when it comes to talking to a girl that catches your eye?

2: What is it about other people that causes you to get anxious in social settings, such as bars?

1. Rejection is a huge part of it. I just assume that she's not going to be interested and that I'll be completely humiliated. I'm nothing special. Huge potential for public embarrassment.

2. I always feel like everyone is judging me, talking about me, etc. I can rarely even go to a sit down restaurant by myself because I tend to feel as though people are judging me for not being with anyone.

It is all in your head McCoy. You are a textbook case of the anxious mindset.

You need to work on rectifying this now, or it will hold you back for the rest of your life.

The good thing about approach anxiety and social anxiety is that is entirely self-created. You created it and only you can stop it. It is not something that is out of control and which will always be with you; it's only there because you are allowing it to exist by way of your thinking.

You can start to tackle this by using a technique called bridging mindsets.

It is basically a cheat to fool your brain into letting you be more confident. Over time the success of this will mean that you actually become more confident. It is a domino effect. Going from anxious to confident is too big a step so what you are doing is effectively bridging the gap until you create confidence in the same way that you created anxiety.

The examples you gave above are the perfect example of how you created this anxiety for yourself:

Rejection:

I asked you about what it was that made you afraid to approach a girl and talk to her.

You replied:

Rejection is a huge part of it. I just assume that she's not going to be interested and that I'll be completely humiliated. I'm nothing special. Huge potential for public embarrassment.

Now a bridging mindset here would be to look at the situation like so: No guy is compatible with every woman he meets. If we're not compatible, that is fine by me - I'll just approach another woman who is more compatible with me.

A confident mindset would be as follows: This woman will like me, I'll go and talk to her.

Now on to your second fear. Other people in social situations.

Again you are a textbook case of the anxious mindset:

I always feel like everyone is judging me, talking about me, etc. I can rarely even go to a sit down restaurant by myself because I tend to feel as though people are judging me for not being with anyone.

A bridging mindset would look at it this way: Other people are more worried about how they are being perceived by others; they aren’t sitting around worrying about what I am doing. It is completely normal for a guy to walk over and talk to a woman in a bar/cafe etc in an easy-going way. I’m not walking over and trying to pick her up, I’m just going over and having a chat. If we are compatible and it feels like we should exchange numbers or keep talking, I will do that.

The confident mindset would look at it like this: Other people? I don’t care. I’m going to talk to those girls.

It is all in your head McCoy and only YOU can change this.

If you do the above then slowly but surely you will change and become more confident. It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen.

You need to work on this FIRST and forget everything else. A relationship will happen in time but NOT unless you do this NOW.

There, that is all you need from this thread. If you are not willing to try this now, as in this week sometime, then you might as well forget about ever having that relationship you want.