Use Your Discretion – The Guns ‘N Roses Conundrum

[WFA]

Guns ‘N Roses’ “Appetite For Destruction” is unquestionably one of the greatest debut albums of all time. I was in fourth grade when that beast came out and I’d blast “It’s So Easy” and NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police” in the park on a boombox (when nobody was around) and think I was Bruce Willis. (Bruce Willis was the baddest person 4th grade Mike Brody could think of.) I didn’t have a clue what “turn around bitch I got a use for you” meant and I really identified more with Weird Al Yankovic’s extended polka parody jams, but screw it. CLASSIC ALBUM.

Guns ‘N Roses’ next official album(s), “Use Your Illusion I & II” is a whole ‘nother story. What in the good god was happening here? This behemoth brings up memories of previous double and triple albums that really should have been one, like the Beatles’ self-titled (better known as the “White Album”) and The Clash’s so-you-thought-we-were-good “Sandinista”. The major difference is you could actually cut those two into a real album. Try doing it with Use Your Illusion. It’s impossible! There’s two many ten minute long epic ballads squished with rockers that should have been three minutes long but ended up being six just so Axl could go “Eye-eee-eye-ee-eye-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” or “YOWZA!” at the end of all of them. WTF, Axl? There’s a 100% zero chance I would like this if it came out today, but the fact is it came out in 1991 and I was wearing a lot of denim. My judgment wasn’t exactly razor sharp.

So screw Frankensteining this bitch into one album. It can’t be done. Instead I’m going to listen to all 30 songs from both parts and rank them from “best” to “affront to humankind”. The links on a song mean there’s a video for it, which I strongly suggest watching.

1) “You Could Be Mine” – I used to blast this (and Soul Asylum’s “Somebody To Shove”) in my room while getting ready for B-team basketball practice in 9th grade. Let me tell you, nothing gets you pumped for not getting playing time, even in practice, like the lines “With your bitch-slap rappin’ and your cocaine tongue…” This is also from that wonderful time when bands would just splice in clips of a movie into the video with no continuity whatsoever so they could be on a soundtrack. Axl’s crotch! Eddie Furlong! Axl’s crotch! Arnold givin’ a thumbs up! Arnold’s computer-eye zoomin’ in on Axl’s crotch!

2) “Don’t Cry” – I loved the video back in the day, but watching it today brings up many, many questions. 1) If you’re going to go walking through a freezing tundra-land, why are you wearing a daisy-duke pirate costume? 2) How did Slash manage to drive a car off a cliff but jump out in time to grab his guitar and take his shirt off? 3) How is he getting home? 4) Why is Axl super stoked to see his hands shaking at the psychiatrists like it’s a fancy card trick? 5) Why does he look like a tiny, naked, muscle-less Incredible Hulk making shadow-birds in the afterlife? 6) How are any of these scenes even remotely connected? 7) Where’s Izzy?

3) “November Rain” – Axl gets married and then she dies without explanation. It takes ten fucking minutes to tell that story.

4) “Coma” – This is far and away the best non-single on the album and is a pure delight on the psychosis scale. Axl’s in a coma and astral projects to some ice-beach (did he bring the pirate suit?!) and at the same time, some weird demon/devil voice is telling the doctors to “zap the son-of-a-bitch again” with the electric paddles. But wait, Axl doesn’t want to come back because his girlfriend’s complaining that all he wants is sex, sex, sex, all the time! Ya know?!

5) “Estranged” – This was my emo jam as a 7th grader. “When you’re talkin to yourself. And nobody’s home. ALONE!” Yeah, that never happened, because I was 13 and living with my parents. This video is important for being coo-coo even by Axl’s standards. There’s not a shrink alive who could make heads or tails of this mess. It starts with an actual text definition of the word “illusion”. Then Axl showers with his clothes on and has the SWAT team called on him for some reason. The SWAT team doesn’t actually do anything to him and then he’s on stage at a concert. Then people in all white take him (also wearing all white, but with the word “DEEP” on his chest) into a limo to go to a jet literally filled with water and dolphins. You know, as you do! Then he goes to a bar where the jet dolphins follow him through billboards (I’M NOT FUCKING MAKING THIS SHIT UP! CLICK THE VIDEO ON THE LINK!), then he jumps off a battleship that he somehow got on and some roadie tries really half-assedly to save him from a nearby but not-too-close dingie. MORE DOLPHINS! When did Axl become a frumpy-dumpy Ren Fest girl? Then MOTHERFUCKING SLASH RISES FROM THE WATER LIKE AN ABE LINCOLN JESUS (which is pretty bad-ass, actually). Cut to the next day when a helicopter saves a not-actually-drowned Axl who’s still in the water (fuck you, roadie!) and then Axl looks wistfully into the bleachers while a solitary white signature Axl shoe sinks to the bottom of the ocean and a text definition for “disillusion” flashes on the screen. And if you don’t believe me about this next part, fucking watch the goddamn video: IT ENDS WITH AXL ON HIS COUCH GRINNING WHILE A MOTHERFUCKING DOLPHIN WEARING EITHER A PLAID TOWEL OR AXL’S SHIRT CLICKS HAPPILY NEXT TO HIM. WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY FUCK JUST HAPPENED!!!

6) “Civil War” – Christ, how do we follow that one? It took me roughly twenty years to figure out that the opening audio monologue was a part from “Cool Hand Luke” and not just a typical Looney Tunes soliloquy of Axl’s. “What we got here…is a FAILURE…to COMMUNICATE”. Extra points to Axl for ruining an otherwise poignant song about war and class division by randomly bleeting out “Ain’t that fresh!”

7) “Dead Horse” – Honestly, this was the dark horse (no pun intended) song of the album. Really catchy. The video is pretty straight-forward concert footage but the song is notable for having what 13-year-old Mike Brody thought was the most profound line of all time: “I’m a son-of-a-gun and a gun-of-a-son.” MIND. BLOWN.

8) “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” – I didn’t know who Bob Dylan was when I first heard this song. And when I finally did, I was shocked to find out that the original version was over three minutes shorter, didn’t have background singers or a segment in the middle where a guy calls someone and leaves a message that says “You just better start sniffin’ your own rank subjugation jack, ’cause it’s just you against your tattered libido, the bank and the mortician forever man and it wouldn’t be luck if you got out of life alive.” You taking notes, Zimmerman!? THAT’S poetry!

9) “Get In The Ring” – I don’t know if this even qualifies as a song so much as angry liner notes with guitars and yelling over it. You think music doesn’t influence kids? I had a kid throw a basketball at my head in 7th grade and scream the lyrics of this song at me: “What are you pissed off cuz your dad gets more pussy than you? Fuck you. Suck my fuckin’ dick!” “Yeah, I’m in 7th grade. EVERYBODY gets more pussy than me. Inanimate objects get more pussy than me and they will for years. I know because I’m telling this story from the future.”

10) “Live And Let Die” – Why not cover a Wings song, Axl? Why not.

11) “Don’t Damn Me” – This song literally starts with Mr. Rose making the sound that Wile E Coyote makes when he gets hit on the head with a frying pan. I can’t decide if that loses it points or gains it.

12) “You Ain’t The First” – Nobody taught more hairless pre-pubescent kids how to be misogynistic than Axl Rose. He’s the Michael Jordan of future trashy Indianans.

13) “Shotgun Blues” – “Ooooh, you want a confrontation. I’ll give you every fuckin’ chance. With your verbal masturbation. Me…I just like to dance!” Did Axl just challenge someone to a dance-off? CHA-LLENGE!

14) “Right Next Door To Hell” – This is the cut-off point. This is where the songs go from pretty okay to pretty bland, soon to be followed by “Did a drunk manatee make this?” This particular song is alright, but was a lousy choice to lead-off UYI #1. Like starting a wedding proposal with a fart. Probably for the better, considering how those end up for Axl. (The marriages, not the farts. I don’t know how his farts go but I’m guessing they’re over ten minutes long.)

15) “Yesterdays” – This one has a video too, but they were getting pretty lazy by this point. It was like their 12th single and not a DOLPHIN TO BE FOUND!

16) “Perfect Crime” – A TWO MINUTE SONG!!! Did Axl huff too much paint in his Hakeem Olajuwon K-Mart specials and forget to finish it?

17) “Garden Of Eden” – “Garden Of Eden” is like “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” if Michael Stipe was more like Charles Manson and kept getting forced to make videos. I think the “Blair Witch Project” cost more to make than this one.

18) “Locomotive” – This fucking lizard-turd of a song is 8:42 long.

19) “Bad Apples” – Jesus fucking Christ this is getting hard to stomach. Who in the hell was letting Axl do all of this? I have 11 more to go! I’m actually listening to all these! Not one person was like “Hey Axl, we don’t have to put ALL 30 songs we wrote on. I think ten or twelve is fine.” No, all of Axl’s songs are like soccer mom kids. Everybody gets a trophy! No losers!

20) “So Fine” – This sounds like “Don’t Cry” if it had diarrhea.

21) “Pretty Tied Up” – I’m fairly certain this song is about kidnapping and torture. YAWN.

22) “Back Off Bitch” – I will cough up $100 to anyone that can prove they’ve listened to this song on purpose between the dates 1993 and June 28, 2014.

23) “The Garden” – It’s like “The Garden Of Eden” without a video and less of a point. I will say it is mildly fun to hear Axl groan “BYE-BYE” like a sad ten-year-old to a pony he didn’t get to ride.

24) “Double Talking Jive” – Axl, nobody’s going to believe you’re a gansta if you wear cut-off jean shorts, okay?

25) “Bad Obsession” – “I called my mother, she’s just a cunt now.” That’s a line that Axl Rose wrote on purpose and put into a song.

26) “Breakdown” I’m not even sure if I listened to this song when it was new.

27) “Dust N Bones” Yeah, great idea. Make the second song on the first disc a five-minute IZZY song.

28) “14 Years” Yeah, great idea. Make the second song on the second disc a four-and-a-half-minute IZZY song.

29) “Don’t Cry” (Alt. Lyrics) “You know, I really didn’t understand life until that second, alternate-lyrics version of ‘Don’t Cry’ where he said ‘Eh’ instead of ‘Uh’.” You pompous, ginger-headed, biker-shorts wearing idiot.

30) “My World” – Do you know how bad a song has to be to be the worst song on Use Your Illusion? THE WORST FUCKING SONG EVER WRITTEN! Where to start? The opening line is literally written in the lyrics as “You wan’da step into my world”. It sounds like Weird Al doing a parody of Nine Inch Nails trying to rap, as written by Vanilla Ice. If that’s not bad enough, throw in some super awkward chants “Do it! Do it! Do it!” by Axl that sounds like he’s either killing himself, masturbating or both. I think I’d rather listen to Limp Bizkit fronted by Shaquille O’Neal after he ate a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

THE END.

EYE-EEEE-EYYEEE-EEEEEE-EEEYYYYYEEEE-EEEEEEEEEE-EYEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

YOWZA!!!

http://boogiewoogiebrody.com/2014/06/28/use-your-discretion-the-guns-n-roses-conundrum/

[Crash Diet]

“Bad Obsession” – “I called my mother, she’s just a cunt now.” That’s a line that Axl Rose wrote on purpose and put into a song.

Izzy wrote that lyrics, not Axl

Btw tl;dr and whoever writes this, that person is a huge moron

[Flayer]

Entertaining, can't say I agree with his tastes at all but it was a funny read.

[maynard]

This thread just reminded me how bad "My World" is and how Axl is unable to create an interesting piece of electronic music. Guy belongs to hard rock and rock ballads indeed. As for the rest of UYI, good to great album.

Edited July 21, 2014 by ProstituteComa

[RandallFlagg]

Entertaining, can't say I agree with his tastes at all but it was a funny read.

This. They have some astute observations but it doesn't affect the quality of most of the tracks for me.

[Apollo]

Thanks for sharing. Always interesting to see what other people think about GnR songs.

I love the intro to Back of Bitch and listen to it fairly often. How are we going to do this $100 thing? Amazon gift card?

[darkside259]

what the fuck was that?

[DieselDaisy]

He is correct about the music videos.

[EvH]

Nice post. Oh and, what the fuck did I just read?

[Jwalker19]

Yes.

[Faxl Rows]

*Bleating

[bacardimayne]

Terrible, terrible list.

14 Years the 3rd worst song on the UYIs? Shotgun Blues in the upper half? KOHD, GITR and LALD in the top 10? Simply the worst.

The only similarity Garden of Eden has to The Garden is the word in the title.

Edited July 22, 2014 by bacardimayne

[Sixes]

aside from the order of the songs, it's fairly spot on

[Amish]

You're dead wrong about Civil War you son of a gun

[ChristmasFnatic]

This reminds me of that mock-review video of ChiDem. lol

[Amish]

The mountain of real world philosophy about how our illusions of what our lives should be only do us harm that is in those two albums is leagues above the emo grunge tortured soul bullshit that Nirvana and all who followed put out. Use Your Illusion was not some shitty tool for 15 year old kids to wallow in the confusion of high school and puberty.

The Use Your Illusion albums are about what happens after you're done wallowing in your confusion and you realize what the world really is.

I didn't give a shit about Guns until I was 17 and then it was only because Patience, Estranged, and November Rain were beautiful songs. I was probably 20 before I realized what powerhouses the Illusion albums were. I'm 33 now.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Amish

[lukeaxl]

The garden does have a video!!!!

I love back of bitch, it's a good rock song

14 years and yesterday are also awesome

[bigcountry]

The OP review or whatever was fairly harsh about the UYI Albums.

1. The UYI songs where NOT GNR songs for the most part they what each person wanted to put out in there on style.

2. One thing I can't stand about Slash looking back at the UYI albums is he always says the solos on the ballads he hated them and hates them to this day. Well Slash the solos on the ballads from UYI made you the millionaire you today and you will never top them the same goes for SCOM he has said many times he hates that solo work also. Hmmmm...... You hate something that made you huge amounts of money and world wide notoriety, I think he says this because these songs where not his ideas or babies and had to rely on Axl to achieve what he did and the feeling is most likely mutual for Axl about the same thing.

3. UYI as a single release was just too big and I am sure the band, management and the record company thought the same thing after GNR Lies sold a huge amount of copies that we need to cash in as much as we can because people will buy anything we put out. Making a double release made everyone happy because they got there own songs on the albums and kept the peace in GNR land for quite some time.

4. Izzy I don't think was ever to keen on releasing a new GNR album because he just didn't like to tour and he damn sure didn't want to tour for 2-3 years. He can blame Axl and the lyrics being taken literally but he just didn't want to havea grind of a long tour and put up with people he didn't know anymore. He never wanted GNR to be bigger than life but that is what happened and he couldn't handle it and stepped out. I respect that, he helped them out when gilby broke his hand.

5. Axl was a hot head with some issues he would only uncover and/or come to terms with later in life.

6. Slash and Duff where too fucked up on drugs to run GNR and Axl wasn't drugged up so he got the job, I think it is that simple, because with the record company having this arrangement GNR would go on with or without Slash and Duff. But that really didn't go very smooth for many reasons that are well known and many that we will never know.

7. Poor Steven drugs just took over his live and when I look at the drumming on UYI I don't think he could have played at that level not that it was so complex but he played every simple drum lines and that was it and UYI was more Complex I just don't think drugs or not that he would have been in the band when the recording was finished.

It could go on and on.

But the UYI albums are from a fragmented band that didn't have a common goal that was anywhere close to what the others where thinking when it come to what the albums should sound like.

[Towelie]

Any review which slates Locomotive and Breakdown and praises Shotgun Blues and Get In The Ring is an epic fail in my eyes.

[GnRDuff1]

Two points about your "astute" observation about the Estranged video.

1)It's a shirt that says DEEP in what color? Purple. It is a Deep Purple shirt. Jesus H. Christ deepthroating a cucumber, you call yourself a rock and roll fan?

2)It's Duff in the rowboat who goes to save Axl. The at the time bass player for the band Guns N' Roses. Jesus H. Christ deepthroating a cucumber, you Call yourself a Guns N' Roses fan?

[lukeaxl]

I always thought the "roadie" that throws the ring was dizzy?

[Lio]

I always thought the "roadie" that throws the ring was dizzy?

No, it is Duff. It's in Making Fucking Videos too.

[Mr. Dude]

What a horrid list. The reviewer bashes the albums because of all the long songs and nearly all of his top-rankings are filled with long songs.

[Amish]

Lol it was obviously a very tongue in cheek review so the "bashing" is mostly jokes, but I feel like he legitimately missed the point of some of the songs and feels like overall, the Illusions are something for 15 year old kids to go emo over.