Guns N' Roses Greatest Hits--worst review ever (Pitchdork)

[RichardNixon]

https://web.archive.org/web/20130506112009/http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/3634-greatest-hits/

By Chris Ott

3.9/10

In 1987, Guns N' Roses released two of the best rock anthems ever recorded, marking the end of an era that had totally exhausted itself, consumed in a cloud of CFC's and indistinguishable power ballads. "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Sweet Child O' Mine" substantially updated the arena rock model as defined in the 1970s, using the tighter, radio-ready metal guidelines of AC/DC and Judas Priest. Not that the world is dramatically worse for Cinderella or Faster Pussycat, but Back in Black and British Steel, both released in 1980, should have ended hair metal before it began. Instead, hundreds of bar band bozos lived out their childhood KISS fantasies, contributing only a handful of disposable verse/chorus/verse pep rally mainstays. In retrospect, it seems impossible that such dinosaurs reigned for so long. Anyone who lived through the late-80s won't consider it a coincidence Guns N' Roses' Greatest Hits and the Schindler's List DVD were issued the same week. We must never forget.

Today, pop metal serves as bacchanalia, irony, and imaginary nostalgia. MTV sells the 80s as a kitschy, decadent daydream, dodging their complicity in creating the pop culture divide that made Britny Fox possible. By the time of Guns N' Roses, thanks in large part to the network's conservatism, there was a cultural civil war going on, and those who threw down pop metal's chalice had to dress the part to find each other in the crowd. And I'm not saying our lives were harder-- we didn't walk two miles in the snow to buy Cure records-- but pop culture was stuck in a 1970s frame of mind. Everything had to be so much more obvious to be understood-- including alternative music-- which is why it all looks like a dayglo renaissance faire in retrospect. But prior to the information age, you couldn't chart your own roadmap. You needed big, flashing signs pointing the way.

Think about the signs GN'R fans had to ignore. Forget the bloated, overproduced Aerosmith knockoffs, the bandanas, elfin leggings and abject misogyny: Slash wore a fucking top hat, and humorlessly. That's all you needed to know to figure it out, but millions of sheep the world over couldn't stand up and point the finger at their emperor's ridiculous wardrobe, banging their heads to "Paradise City", the most grandiose self-parody of stadium rock imaginable. After milking its admittedly superb guitar lead for nearly two minutes, a fucking whistle blows to let the herd know it's time to Rock. Not even Peter Pan could save these idiots.

Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.

Unlike the vast majority of their ridiculous fans and even more ridiculous peers, GN'R still matter, despite their hackneyed glam image; they weren't fluff, and though much of their "edge" owed to repellent sexism, self-absorbed drug abuse and unchecked homophobia, their best songs still resonate a decade later. The problem, relative to this collection, is that many of them aren't here.

What Axl Rose and Guns N' Roses stood for, and where they spoke from, is outlined in their album tracks, in the paranoiac "Out Ta Get Me", in "Used to Love Her", and in their most controversial recording, "One in a Million". Because Greatest Hits is limited to officially released singles, none of them appear here. "One in a Million" put GN'R in the parental advisory spotlight, and sparked major national debates on free speech: Millions of teenage fans, drawn to GN'R Lies by its smash single-- the topically harmless and quite beautiful ballad "Patience"-- were exposed to the lyrics, "Police and hooray for tolerance!s/ Get out of my way," and, "Immigrants and hooray for tolerance!s/ They make no sense to me." The ridiculous red herring offered on the album's cover was laughed at, and after an educational ass-kicking by the press, Rose sheepishly apologized, first claiming it was written as a "comedy," then insisting he was singing "in character." Nobody bought Axl's shallow excuses, and an older, wiser Rose finally conceded the track should be deleted from future pressings. It's still there.

Once GN'R made it, Axl didn't have much to complain about, and found himself in the unenviable position of having to actually write songs. The last gasp of 1970s album rock excess, 1991's Use Your Illusion was an artistic disaster, full of six and seven-minute "epics," mostly identical in construction, and stocked with ham-fisted, explicitly staged guitar heroics. Apart from "Get in the Ring", the most embarrassing admission of one man's insecurity in rock history, the harder tracks never mustered convincing anger, merely confusion, and the set's ballads are almost adorable in their childish imitation of Elton John and Freddie Mercury.

Yet "November Rain" comes closer to "Stairway to Heaven" than anything recorded in almost thirty years of slavish imitation. Perhaps the best and certainly the most popular breakup anthem since the glory days of arena rock, "November Rain" is Axl Rose's legacy, a legitimate, significant artistic accomplishment from, in his own words, "a small town white boy just tryin' to make ends meet."

So yes, there are hits here, and they are certainly Guns N' Roses' most popular and potent. The major issue with this set-- and in all likelihood the reason the band, at Axl's urging, tried to block its release-- is that, of the 14 cuts on Greatest Hits, five are making other people money, and two of those can hardly be called hits. An overproduced, meandering version of the Skyliners' doo-wop classic "Since I Don't Have You" charted on name only, and nothing so blatantly revealed the falsity of its deplorable parent covers record The Spaghetti Incident? like the theatrical, retarded rendition of Rocket from the Tombs'/Dead Boys' "Ain't It Fun", featuring Hanoi Rocks frontman Michael Monroe on backing vocals.

Monroe, perhaps the most interesting character associated with hair metal, lived with the Dead Boys' Stiv Bators in the early 80s, and along with Slash, doubtless introduced Axl-- never known for his musical acumen-- to this, if not all of the punk material they butchered. Recorded during the spiraling Use Your Illusion sessions, The Spaghetti Incident? is undeniable evidence that even the band knew they were out of gas. Rose later said, "We wanted to call the record Pension Fund, because we're kind of helping some of these guys pay the rent." While Axl had a point insofar as you can't live on credibility, the opposite is also true: It's not for sale.

That much is clear in Guns N' Roses' idiotic rendition of the Dylan standard, "Knockin' on Heaven's Door", featuring a gospel choir (who would've thought) and a bizarre attempt at philosophy via an answering machine message during its clap-along breakdown. "Live and Let Die", on the other hand, ranks among the very best covers on record, and goes a long way to buttress this insubstantial compilation's appalling last act.

Greatest Hits is strictly chronological, to a fault. Nothing could serve to distort Guns N' Roses' importance so much as their last single, a calamitous run through "Sympathy for the Devil", unquestionably the low point of the GN'R catalog (which is really saying something if you've heard their versions of The Damned's "New Rose" or Misfits' "Attitude"). What makes "Sympathy" (from the Interview with a Vampire soundtrack) all the more embarrassing is the fact that Guns N' Roses' alt-rock doppelganger, Jane's Addiction, made their name on a drugged-out cover of it on their heavily polished "live" debut, released just two months after Appetite for Destruction. (Another fun fact: Use Your Illusion came out the same month as Nevermind).

Guns N' Roses earned a place in rock history as the hair metal band good enough to excuse their indulgent stupidity, and exposed the effeminate commerciality that had neutered rock music, extracting the dying medium's last breath. All of that was accomplished with Appetite for Destruction, the biggest-selling debut of the 1980s, to this day a venerable slab of obnoxious rock and roll. Aiming to promote their interests with this limp catalog sampler, Geffen have shamelessly betrayed the band's legacy and diluted their best material, associating it with some of Guns N' Roses' biggest flops, both in commercial ("Civil War", "Yesterdays") and artistic terms. Ammunition for their myriad enemies, Greatest Hits reminds us that, for the brilliance of their debut album, Guns N' Roses recorded nearly as many covers as originals, and in the wake of their success, faltered mightily.

[smokingarthur]

Most of this is grandiose drivel. Sounds like it was written by a college freshmen who is aspiring to be a hack writer. 

[rocknroll41]

2 minutes ago, smokingarthur said:

Most of this is grandiose drivel. Sounds like it was written by a college freshmen who is aspiring to be a hack writer. 

So basically: the entire pitchfork staff…

[eggers]

Who cares?

[StrangerInThisTown]

2 hours ago, eggers said:

Who cares?

I guess it's just funny to read

[AXL_N_DIZZY]

Didn’t make it past Schindler’s List…

[mystery]

I really don't miss the days when music journalists actually had some kind of power and carried this air of importance and self-indulgence.

Pitchfork especially was and probably still is the biggest offender of these types of reviews that just come off as a soapbox for meandering bullshit. Like this reviewer sounds like they have absolutely no fun in their life and that music is srs business. Actually using the word retarded makes then lose all credibility. 

The one point they're kind of right about is in the ninth paragraph box regarding the song selection and the amount of covers though LALD and KOHD are pretty much staples. Ain't it Fun and Since I Don't Have You are kind of puzzling but they at least give every album to that point some representation.

[Rovim]

5 hours ago, mystery said:

I really don't miss the days when music journalists actually had some kind of power and carried this air of importance and self-indulgence.

Pitchfork especially was and probably still is the biggest offender of these types of reviews that just come off as a soapbox for meandering bullshit. Like this reviewer sounds like they have absolutely no fun in their life and that music is srs business. Actually using the word retarded makes then lose all credibility. 

The one point they're kind of right about is in the ninth paragraph box regarding the song selection and the amount of covers though LALD and KOHD are pretty much staples. Ain't it Fun and Since I Don't Have You are kind of puzzling but they at least give every album to that point some representation.

even that part wasn't a valid point cause it's called "greatest hits", it's not a best of compilation. The "retarded" usage and the Schindler's list bit was in poor taste. Greatest Hits was just a cash grab though but kinda funny how it was probably only released cause Axl didn't release Chinese and it sold all those copies, making it a much bigger commercial success than Chinese.

[themadcaplaughs]

First off, completely forgot that Pitchfork reviewed this album back in the day. Second off, I tend to forget just how insufferable and overwrought those old Pitchfork reviews, up until about 2010, really were. They started toning it down considerably after that, and even more so once they got bought. But my God, those older reviews are like reading the old movie reviews at Ain't It Cool News from the 1990s. 

For all the hate it gets, I consider the Greatest Hits album to possibly be one of the most important in terms of the band's commercial legacy. This album and Velvet Revolver combined helped introduce the band to a whole new generation of young adults at a time when many saw GN'R as a footnote in musical history. It helped cement the band's status as a legacy band. 

[mystery]

1 hour ago, Rovim said:

even that part wasn't a valid point cause it's called "greatest hits", it's not a best of compilation. The "retarded" usage and the Schindler's list bit was in poor taste. Greatest Hits was just a cash grab though but kinda funny how it was probably only released cause Axl didn't release Chinese and it sold all those copies, making it a much bigger commercial success than Chinese.

Even as a greatest hits collection you could probably completely ignore The Spaghetti Incident and I'd hardly call the songs on there hits. My Michelle, You're Crazy from Lies, and Rocket Queen could all replace them and SFTD. Those songs feel like a much better representation of the band.

The funny thing is the reviewer Chris Ott was such an asshole that Pitchfork decided to just delete his reviews from their website entirely. The only way to find his reviews is through the Wayback Machine.

[Rovim]

4 hours ago, mystery said:

Even as a greatest hits collection you could probably completely ignore The Spaghetti Incident and I'd hardly call the songs on there hits. My Michelle, You're Crazy from Lies, and Rocket Queen could all replace them and SFTD. Those songs feel like a much better representation of the band.

The funny thing is the reviewer Chris Ott was such an asshole that Pitchfork decided to just delete his reviews from their website entirely. The only way to find his reviews is through the Wayback Machine.

this was a greatest hits compilation album by the record company with no involvement from the band as you probably know, solely designed to generate sales. I think it's a good mix of all the albums Gn'R released with what a new or a casual fan will want. It was only 1 Spaghetti song wasn't it? considering how well it did sales wise, I'd say it was the perfect cheap way to cash in on the nostalgia.

I wonder if Chris Ott is still an asshole.

edit: 2 Spaghetti tunes, forgot Ain't It Fun

Edited March 24, 2022 by Rovim

[themadcaplaughs]

2 hours ago, mystery said:

Even as a greatest hits collection you could probably completely ignore The Spaghetti Incident and I'd hardly call the songs on there hits. My Michelle, You're Crazy from Lies, and Rocket Queen could all replace them and SFTD. Those songs feel like a much better representation of the band.

The funny thing is the reviewer Chris Ott was such an asshole that Pitchfork decided to just delete his reviews from their website entirely. The only way to find his reviews is through the Wayback Machine.

Pitchfork is infamous for deleting older reviews; particularly when they use less than PC language (like this one) or when it's negative review for band that later gained popularity, credibility, or a general critical reassessment. They reviewed Appetite for Destruction in 2017 (as part of their Sunday review of classic albums) and gave it a perfect score. 

To be fair, if I remember correctly, their Chinese Democracy review, while not positive, was more even-handed and actually gave some thoughtful discussion to the music. Also, they gave more attention to "Absurd" and "Hard Skool" than a lot of other major publications which cover rock music.  

[StrangerInThisTown]

3 hours ago, mystery said:

I'd hardly call the songs on there hits. My Michelle, You're Crazy from Lies, and Rocket Queen could all replace them and SFTD. Those songs feel like a much better representation of the band.

I think you are confusing a Greatest Hits with a Best Of. My Michelle and Rocket Queen were not hits, those were not even released as singles. These songs would have to be included on a Best Of, but not a GH, so maybe the tracklisting makes a bit more sense to you now. The songs weren't chosen for "representation".

Edited March 24, 2022 by StrangerInThisTown

[mystery]

51 minutes ago, StrangerInThisTown said:

I think you are confusing a Greatest Hits with a Best Of. My Michelle and Rocket Queen were not hits, those were not even released as singles. These songs would have to be included on a Best Of, but not a GH, so maybe the tracklisting makes a bit more sense to you now. The songs weren't chosen for "representation".

If you look at it from a label perspective it seems like Sympathy for the Devil, Since I Don't Have You, and Ain't it Fun were kind of included for representation especially if people wanted to buy The Spaghetti Incident. SFTD is a different case since the GH album is where it got its widest release.

A lot of times the distinction between greatest hits and best of is blurred by the artists/record labels. My point is there's a bunch of songs that are well known and also concert staples that could've easily made it. The last 3 tracks on that album feel out of place imo.

[RichardNixon]

5 hours ago, themadcaplaughs said:

First off, completely forgot that Pitchfork reviewed this album back in the day. Second off, I tend to forget just how insufferable and overwrought those old Pitchfork reviews, up until about 2010, really were. They started toning it down considerably after that, and even more so once they got bought. But my God, those older reviews are like reading the old movie reviews at Ain't It Cool News from the 1990s. 

For all the hate it gets, I consider the Greatest Hits album to possibly be one of the most important in terms of the band's commercial legacy. This album and Velvet Revolver combined helped introduce the band to a whole new generation of young adults at a time when many saw GN'R as a footnote in musical history. It helped cement the band's status as a legacy band. 

Yeah, I think Contraband made Slash a guitar hero for Gen-Y.

 

[Twinaleblood]

20 hours ago, RichardNixon said:

Monroe, perhaps the most interesting character associated with hair metal, lived with the Dead Boys' Stiv Bators in the early 80s, and along with Slash, doubtless introduced Axl-- never known for his musical acumen-- to this, if not all of the punk material they butchered. 

It's amazing how the guy used "doubtless" for something that is absolutely false. Slash always said that Fear was one of the few punk rock bands he dug. The rest came mostly from Duff. And the comment about Axl's musical acumen is either ignorance or bad faith.

[guitarpatch]

Whatever. I did enjoy Pitchfork’s review for Jet’s Shine On though 

https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/4338-get-born/

[mystery]

5 hours ago, guitarpatch said:

Whatever. I did enjoy Pitchfork’s review for Jet’s Shine On though 

https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/4338-get-born/

It's the stuff that's kind of amusing in high school/college but just seems really lame when you see these guys write reviews in bad faith.

Wasn't there one that was just a video of an orangutan drinking their own urine?

[RichardNixon]

Pitchfork tends to be harsh on recent albums from rock acts from the 20th century. They love hip-hop, shoegaze, indie-hipster, coffee house shit, i.e., Vampire Weekend.

[Towelie]

On 3/24/2022 at 4:31 PM, mystery said:

If you look at it from a label perspective it seems like Sympathy for the Devil, Since I Don't Have You, and Ain't it Fun were kind of included for representation especially if people wanted to buy The Spaghetti Incident. SFTD is a different case since the GH album is where it got its widest release.

A lot of times the distinction between greatest hits and best of is blurred by the artists/record labels. My point is there's a bunch of songs that are well known and also concert staples that could've easily made it. The last 3 tracks on that album feel out of place imo.

Yeah, tbf to this review, the Greatest Hits was a horrible release. It was the first Guns album I brought and I remember looking in the liner notes and realising 5 songs were covers and feeling a bit surprised. 

No way should Aint It Fun or Sympathy For The Devil have been included. They should've been replaced by Nightrain and Estranged (wasn't that a single?). 

[mystery]

Just now, Towelie said:

Yeah, tbf to this review, the Greatest Hits was a horrible release. It was the first Guns album I brought and I remember looking in the liner notes and realising 5 songs were covers and feeling a bit surprised. 

No way should Aint It Fun or Sympathy For The Devil have been included. They should've been replaced by Nightrain and Estranged (wasn't that a single?). 

Yeah, this review is garbage but he still has a valid point. Estranged was a single but it's long and it still feels somewhat like a deep cut that casual listeners might not be in to.

There were plans for a GH 2 that got scrapped. What's interesting is the 2020 reissue adds Shadow of Your Love.

[Rovim]

7 minutes ago, Towelie said:

Yeah, tbf to this review, the Greatest Hits was a horrible release. It was the first Guns album I brought and I remember looking in the liner notes and realising 5 songs were covers and feeling a bit surprised. 

No way should Aint It Fun or Sympathy For The Devil have been included. They should've been replaced by Nightrain and Estranged (wasn't that a single?). 

already got Civil War and NR in there so maybe another long epic is too much for the casuals, which I'm guessing was the audience for this product, mostly. Also maybe the record label was trying to release a compilation which represents every Gn'R album and notable release. Honestly, I think it works well as kind of an introduction to Gn'R.

Edited March 25, 2022 by Rovim

[RichardNixon]

It was right to include SFTD as by 2004 the single was hard to find and most people wouldn't want to buy the Interview With a Vampire soundtrack for it. I prefer it over the original, tbh. 

[Sweersa]

Just now, RichardNixon said:

It was right to include SFTD as by 2004 the single was hard to find and most people wouldn't want to buy the Interview With a Vampire soundtrack for it. I prefer it over the original, tbh. 

I wish they also included Better on the new greatest hits. 

[BillConnor_1982]

Spot on