Fake new album review from 1997

[Twinaleblood]

One day in spring 1997 I went to my usual newsstand and bought one of many Italian rock magazines I used to read back then.

My heart literally skipped a beat when I opened it and the very first page included an "Exclusive!!" review of a new Guns N'Roses album supposedly titled 'Your Dreams Come True'. I went through it line by line in pure excitement, already fantasizing about these new song titles, most of them kinda funny. The story behind the "surprise" release, as explained in the article, seemed strange to say the least. Then my heart definitely sank when I went to page 17 (as suggested by the end of the review) and found out it was nothing but an April's fool joke.

I retrieved that magazine earlier today and roughly translated that fake review to English so you can have a laugh (or shed a tear thinking "what if we actually had such an album in 97..."). I'd like to add a scan of the original version too, but I have no clue how I can attach an image on here 

Quote

GUNS N'ROSES
'Your Dreams Come True'
(Geffen)
Vote: 100

So, where were we? Slash out of the band, Axl & co. fading into the oblivion while trying to finish a new album announced, yet always postponed. Well, this time Guns N’Roses have done us dirty. Every rumor was a hoax masterfully spread by their record label, to let the band work in peace, free from any media pressure. Actually, earlier this year the six piece line-up relocated into Axl’s mansion in Malibu, equipped with a hi-tech home studio. That’s where they have been working on recording and mixing a good chunk of the music written over the years. I know, it’s been a long time and you’re probably asking yourself if their musical direction is any different now. We’re witnessing an era where all the big L.A. names from the 80’s are changing: WASP going industrial, Motley Crue going grunge, and so on. In the middle of this, Guns N’Roses stick with their own history and tradition. Thank goodness!

What I have in my hands right now is an exciting advance tape with 12 hot hard rock tracks masterfully crafted and arranged, with hints of blues and of the purest sleazy sound made in California. It kicks off with ‘Gimme A Break’, a hi-energy hard rock song with Slash in top form and Axl not half bad either, delivering a refrain that will make you want to dance. Pure dynamite. Right after, they dust off ‘Sympathy For The Devil’, the Rolling Stones cover already released on the ‘Interview With The Vampire’ soundtrack. Next in line is ‘No Shadow In The Sun’, an intense song in the vein of ‘Civil War’, with sparkling keyboards wonderfully flanked by a blues guitar and vocals full of pathos. Then comes a very straightforward sleaze punk number, ‘Funk The Punk’, followed by a hard rock tune that starts with a zeppelinesque riff before turning into a vicious rock’n’roll reminding, though only slightly, of RATM (‘Bloody Roses’). The first side of the tape ends with ‘Kissin’ Mama’, built around gospel keyboards, acoustic guitars and a heartfelt performance from Axl.

Side B opens with a classic singalong arena anthem, ‘Black Hell And Back’, that will make you dance and jump with its big guitars. The mood becomes more somber with ‘The Clouds Turn Black’, a slow song with dramatic vocals and an acid guitar falling somewhere between Led Zeppelin and late-era Alice In Chains. There must be some kind of internal turmoil that Axl couldn’t process; his singing is always very angry and tormented, as if he’s trying to release some long-repressed fury and anxiety. A piano piece introduced by Duff’s bass marks the start of one of the longest and most complex tunes of the album, ‘Jaezebel’, with Gunners channeling all their expressive lyricism into it. They soon move to a boogie hard rock in the vein of early Aerosmith, titled ‘The Devil And The Priest’ and sprinkled with keys and harmonica. Closing the album, we have ‘Soul Full Of Lies’, a raw hard rock song vaguely hinting at Soundgarden, and a second cover, ‘Friends’, with Axl delivering a personal, very spiritual version rather than copying the legendary Robert Plant.

All in all, ‘Your Dreams Come True’ is going to be regarded as a masterpiece and finally marks the return of a band inspired and in top form, both artistically and physically. Last but not least, a fun fact: Axl seems to have been hit by the so called Agassi-syndrome (ie, advanced baldness), as he’s now sporting a shaved head wrapped in a colored, almost pirate-style bandana. And the surprises are not over yet… see page 17!

Have any insiders seen 'Funk The Punk' in some secret songlist? 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Twinaleblood

[rocknroll41]

Lol they thought Sympathy would be on the album!

[Ratam]

4 hours ago, Twinaleblood said:

One day in spring 1997 I went to my usual newsstand and bought one of many Italian rock magazines I used to read back then.

My heart literally skipped a beat when I opened it and the very first page included an "Exclusive!!" review of a new Guns N'Roses album supposedly titled 'Your Dreams Come True'. I went through it line by line in pure excitement, already fantasizing about these new song titles, most of them kinda funny. The story behind the "surprise" release, as explained in the article, seemed strange to say the least. Then my heart definitely sank when I went to page 17 (as suggested by the end of the review) and found out it was nothing but an April's fool joke.

I retrieved that magazine earlier today and roughly translated that fake review to English so you can have a laugh (or shed a tear thinking "what if we actually had such an album in 97..."). I'd like to add a scan of the original version too, but I have no clue how I can attach an image on here 

Have any insiders seen 'Funk The Punk' in some secret songlist? 

"MOTLEY CRUE going Grunge"....

[mystery]

Funk the Punk would be too cheesy for even the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don't think there were any songs done by then. Probably just tons of DAT tapes full of guitar riffs and keyboard loops.

[rumandraisin]

I like the sound of funk the punk. Ridiculous article. 

[Twinaleblood]

Recapping the, ahem, tracklist 

01. Gimme A Break
02. Sympathy For The Devil (Rolling Stones cover)
03. No Shadow In The Sun
04. Funk The Punk
05. Bloody Roses
06. Kissin' Mama
07. Black Hell And Back
08. The Clouds Turn Black
09. Jaezebel
10. The Devil And The Priest
11. Soul Full Of Lies
12. Friends (Led Zeppelin cover)

I must admit it would be interesting hearing GNR playing 'Friends'.

[SoulMonster]

Quick! Don't show this list to @Pele!

[Twinaleblood]

* runs to delete the post  *

[El Guapo]

Funk the Punk and Kissin Mama must have been the big guns, aye? 

[James Bond]

2 hours ago, SoulMonster said:

Quick! Don't show this list to @Pele!

He might actually have a point here. Axl hasn't recorded vocals for any of those songs!

[DTJ80]

2 hours ago, Twinaleblood said:

Recapping the, ahem, tracklist 

01. Gimme A Break
02. Sympathy For The Devil (Rolling Stones cover)
03. No Shadow In The Sun
04. Funk The Punk
05. Bloody Roses
06. Kissin' Mama
07. Black Hell And Back
08. The Clouds Turn Black
09. Jaezebel
10. The Devil And The Priest
11. Soul Full Of Lies
12. Friends (Led Zeppelin cover)

I must admit it would be interesting hearing GNR playing 'Friends'.

I’ll be honest - there is some cool titles in there 🤣

[Pele]

10 hours ago, SoulMonster said:

Quick! Don't show this list to @Pele!

Hey that's a good point - I forgot Axl had vocals for Sympathy for the Devil recorded.

That might end up on the new album!

Funk the Punk was an early demo of Rock the Rock

[AxlRoseCDII]

Rock the Rock

Funk the Punk

Crop the Pop

Settle the Metal

Weigh the Reggae

Crap the Rap

Snooze the Blues

Pizzaz the Jazz

Disco

[Twinaleblood]

17 minutes ago, AxlRoseCDII said:

Weigh the Reggae

The only thing allowed with reggae is GIMME SOME 

[Sweersa]

The Led Zeppelin reference is a funny coincidence that will be realized by most after the new album is out.

[Twinaleblood]

Because Friends sounds a little bit like The General?

[Pele]

36 minutes ago, Sweersa said:

The Led Zeppelin reference is a funny coincidence that will be realized by most after the new album is out.

Ooohh what's this? haha

[Sweersa]

14 minutes ago, Pele said:

Ooohh what's this? haha

Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on

[Twinaleblood]

3 minutes ago, Sweersa said:

Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know 😅

[mystery]

They must've gotten the 12 song tracklist from the album Axl promised. He sent a fax to MTV on October 31, 1996 saying a 12 song album plus B-Sides was coming and more importantly, Slash was out of the band.

[NicoGNR5]

38 minutes ago, mystery said:

They must've gotten the 12 song tracklist from the album Axl promised. He sent a fax to MTV on October 31, 1996 saying a 12 song album plus B-Sides was coming and more importantly, Slash was out of the band.

Is that real?

[mystery]

11 minutes ago, NicoGNR5 said:

Is that real?

I just came across an MTV news report on another forum about it so it definitely seems real. I need to find it, someone posted it as a Vimeo video.

Edited September 12, 2021 by mystery

[Blackstar]

14 minutes ago, mystery said:

I just came across an MTV news report on another forum about it so it definitely seems real. I need to find it, someone posted it as a Vimeo video.

I guess that would be me

https://www.a-4-d.com/t4313-1996-11-08-mtv-news-gn-r-s-blizzard-of-acrimony

[doakes]

Got close on a few.

Jaezebel-- Prostitute 

Soul Full of Lies -- "So full of anger" Better / "Pussy full of maggots" Absurd

"There must be some kind of internal turmoil that Axl couldn’t process; his singing is always very angry and tormented, as if he’s trying to release some long-repressed fury and anxiety." Clearly State of Grace lol.