Dealing with abandonment?

[AxlRoseCDII]

Of course there are dozens of Buzzfeed articles and whatnot but I wanted to ask people from the heart. So here it goes. Recently my best friend of many years has essentially abandoned me...tensions have been escalating between us for years but suddenly it just dropped to an all time low where it's 0 communication on either end. I was wondering, what do you guys do to handle a loss of a loved one? How do you cope? Everyone says "just distract yourself" but that gets hard when it mixes with depression...and in this case the conclusion was without a final goodbye and made me feel so damn empty. Sorry if this is too depressing but I don't know anyone to reach out to.

[janrichmond]

I think it's just a matter of acceptance, a lot of friendships just fizzle out normally because of 'life' getting in the way. By life i mean partners,kids, work or realising that as you get older your views can change and you may not have as much in common anymore.You can only really accept that this friendship is over for now, it may change in years to come and it often does.I hope you feel better about it soon.

[Sosso]

I'm in a similar situation right now. I tried to save our friendship but we couldn't solve any of the problems. It feels empty since the last day we talked

[penelope]

It happened to me last year with my bestfriend ( I know her since my teens) I would write to you the details but you basically summed up everything that had been going on and I would probably bored you, so I´ll skip it.

Alright, I can´t skip it lol, I´ll tell you that  the last conversation we had she told me she was just my friend now because we had known for so long, and that I used to be more entertaining before..

Just like you, we didnt say goodbye either, we didnt have a "closure", we just stop talking  and seeing each other... which was very weird because we were like nail and dirt.

I can tell you that I was very depressed for a lot  of months, and people told me to "distract myself"  too,  that it wasnt like a romantic relationship in which you cry and suffer and all that when it´s  over, to me this was worse because I loved that person like a sister and I never expected it to be over,  anyway.

I agree that you should distract yourself even when you are depressed,  for that try to do some exercise and do thinks that you like,  you can also vent with others about that.  It  helps, but you´ll still think about your former friend, this is so cliche but as time goes by it gets better because eventually you go on with your life.

And while at times you´ll miss that person it will be ok.

short advice: time really helps. 

I wish you the best 

(forgive me for my long ass opinion)

[Georgy Zhukov]

Yeah my best friend blocked me because I didn't vote Trump or third party. I miss him but he has been acting strange for awhile.

[Len Cnut]

Dont give a fuckin monkeys to be honest with ya.  I mean a person either wants to talk to ya or doesn't, nobody needs anybody that fuckin much really, fuck em, I mean if they dont like ya then it is what it is.  People come and go out of your life all the time, its part of the game.  

Always keep in the back of your mind the impermanence of things, thats my motto, are all the same people around  you that were there 10 years ago?

Edited September 1, 2017 by Len Cnut

[Chewbacca]

Hmmm... beats me, I just shrug it off, because I usually don't cling to others at all. I simply forget about them, that's how I do it, but that doesn't seem to work for you. Everybody has their own way to deal with this kinda situation, you just have to find your own.

[willl]

Have to agree with others. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then that's okay with me, a lot of the time I can't be arsed talking to my friends or family.

I've gone years without talking to my dad before. He thinks I'm a tree-hugging-animal-rights-hippy, I think he's a racist, a Tory, and pretty sure he's homophobic too judging by some of his remarks.... we never agreed on anything though. This last few years we've reconnected a little, both trying to make an effort, but I think we both know it's a pointless exercise because we're just so different. Sooner or later one of us will stop answering the phone for a few more years.

I've ignored former friends, not intending to be malicious or to hurt their feelings, just because I've found them to have such conflicting views to my own that I don't want to deal with them - maybe it's my issues and not theirs though, I dunno. From my point of view, it's not a personal attack on their character or their politics etc, I just don't want to have them in my life so I ignore them or make excuses to avoid seeing/hearing from them.

I know you don't want a buzzfeed article type thing, but I actually listened to a great podcast just this week which I think applies to your situation It's full of others personal stories, called "Who You Gonna Call" when everything goes wrong. After listening to it I felt compelled to touch base with my mum just to let her know that I thought she was a great mum (something I'd never actually done before), and I also phoned an old friend who lives out of town just to hear their voice. Give it a listen if you have an hour to spare, it's pretty uplifting I think https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/622/who-you-gonna-call

Hope you can patch things up with your friend soon if that's what you want

[SoulMonster]

Just buy a new puppy.

[Len Cnut]

Quote

I think he's a racist, a Tory, and pretty sure he's homophobic too judging by some of his remarks

If i was to start limiting my interactions on such criteria I'd have no friends left   I don't care what anyone believes, as long as you're alright with me I'll be alright with you.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Len Cnut

[DieselDaisy]

That Tory inserted there us comic genius

[SoulMonster]

3 hours ago, Len Cnut said:

If i was to start limiting my interactions on such criteria I'd have no friends left   I don't care what anyone believes, as long as you're alright with me I'll be alright with you.

Ugh. You don't care if people are assholes to others as long as they do good with you?

[Len Cnut]

22 minutes ago, SoulMonster said:

Ugh. You don't care if people are assholes to others as long as they do good with you?

I just take a man for how he acts towards me.  Whatever i discover about them through the interactions I have afterwards can and often does have a bearing on whether or not I want to remain in their company but honestly, opinions don't particular bother me.  If someone hates Chinese or Belgians thats his fuckin' funeral, I ain't here to put the world right or judge people, they have courts of law for that shit.  But I know umpteen people who espouse opinions where they don't like black people, or asians, or europeans, or muslims, or english people...so what?  Thats their opinion and they're entitled to it.  If they sit with me trying to justify it then I'll argue against the holes in their logic for sure but will i then be like, ignoring em when i see them in the street or not speaking to them or refusing to sit down and talk with em in some kinda situation?  No, I won't.  

If you're a racist or whatever or a sexist or a homophobe or an islamaphobe, honestly, i don't care, i don't think it's a big deal.  Institutional prejudice, thats a big deal...but in a day to day sense amongst common people, i couldn't give a toss, why should I, why should I be getting het up about what some other guy claims to believe, I got better things to do with my time, you meet all different kindsa people in the world, you just gotta take em for what they are.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Len Cnut

[SoulMonster]

12 hours ago, Len Cnut said:

I just take a man for how he acts towards me.  Whatever i discover about them through the interactions I have afterwards can and often does have a bearing on whether or not I want to remain in their company but honestly, opinions don't particular bother me.  If someone hates Chinese or Belgians thats his fuckin' funeral, I ain't here to put the world right or judge people, they have courts of law for that shit.  But I know umpteen people who espouse opinions where they don't like black people, or asians, or europeans, or muslims, or english people...so what?  Thats their opinion and they're entitled to it.  If they sit with me trying to justify it then I'll argue against the holes in their logic for sure but will i then be like, ignoring em when i see them in the street or not speaking to them or refusing to sit down and talk with em in some kinda situation?  No, I won't.  

If you're a racist or whatever or a sexist or a homophobe or an islamaphobe, honestly, i don't care, i don't think it's a big deal.  Institutional prejudice, thats a big deal...but in a day to day sense amongst common people, i couldn't give a toss, why should I, why should I be getting het up about what some other guy claims to believe, I got better things to do with my time, you meet all different kindsa people in the world, you just gotta take em for what they are.

Thanks for this. Yes, everybody is entitled to their opinions and I have no problems discussing and talking to people with different and revolting opinions -- like on forums and so on -- in fact I think it is important to hear the other side, but I won't sit down and enjoy a beer with a fellow that differs to me on such important issues as, say, racism, domestic violence, paedophilia,  etc. It's not like they can't be great guys in other aspects, or that this is deliberate social ostracism in an attempt to modify behaviour, it's just that I can choose to hang with friends that I feel perfectly comfortable being around.

[Graeme]

Wow, this thread makes me feel like I must be a really sentimental person in comparison to all those saying "I don't care". I absolutely care about trying to keep the people that are important to me involved in my life. It doesn't really happen very often, but when I do grow apart from someone for whatever reason, it sucks.

[Gracii Guns]

It's easy to underestimate the power of friendship. People will say "but they never liked you in the first place, you deserve better, just move on" don't understand how much pain a friend dropping you suddenly can cause. It is a form of heartbreak and you do grieve. 

It happened to me once. Someone who was a friend for seven years suddenly dropped me. Mutual friends wouldn't listen to my feelings about it because they didn't want to get involved. I wanted to know what I did wrong. Honestly, between that and losing my mum, I know which hit me harder. 

Just because someone hasn't died, it doesn't mean you're not experiencing loss. It can be friends, a job, or a band/sports team you're part of disbanding. Bereavement can take as long as two years, so don't pressure yourself. 

[AxlRoseCDII]

On 9/3/2017 at 1:23 PM, Gracii Guns said:

It's easy to underestimate the power of friendship. People will say "but they never liked you in the first place, you deserve better, just move on" don't understand how much pain a friend dropping you suddenly can cause. It is a form of heartbreak and you do grieve. 

It happened to me once. Someone who was a friend for seven years suddenly dropped me. Mutual friends wouldn't listen to my feelings about it because they didn't want to get involved. I wanted to know what I did wrong. Honestly, between that and losing my mum, I know which hit me harder. 

Just because someone hasn't died, it doesn't mean you're not experiencing loss. It can be friends, a job, or a band/sports team you're part of disbanding. Bereavement can take as long as two years, so don't pressure yourself. 

Thanks for a really great response.  Not having closure is one of the worst ways something can end, and in a way not seeing or talking to someone for the rest of your lifetime can be processed the same way as losing someone via a death. Truth is the truth hurts.

[The Holographic Universe]

On 9/1/2017 at 2:53 PM, AxlRoseCDII said:

Of course there are dozens of Buzzfeed articles and whatnot but I wanted to ask people from the heart. So here it goes. Recently my best friend of many years has essentially abandoned me...tensions have been escalating between us for years but suddenly it just dropped to an all time low where it's 0 communication on either end. I was wondering, what do you guys do to handle a loss of a loved one? How do you cope? Everyone says "just distract yourself" but that gets hard when it mixes with depression...and in this case the conclusion was without a final goodbye and made me feel so damn empty. Sorry if this is too depressing but I don't know anyone to reach out to.

Does this person add value to your life that you can't find elsewhere? Was any part of the separation due to one or both of you being unhealthy for the other? Are you holding onto anything that is creating distance?

[john lennon]

I drink, but I doubt that's a good way of dealing with things.

[Dazey]

59 minutes ago, john lennon said:

I drink, but I doubt that's a good way of dealing with things.

It's a great way of dealing with sobriety. 

[AxlRoseCDII]

On 9/6/2017 at 1:23 AM, The Holographic Universe said:

Does this person add value to your life that you can't find elsewhere? Was any part of the separation due to one or both of you being unhealthy for the other? Are you holding onto anything that is creating distance?

Yeah, she was really my only best friend for the past 5-6 years who I trusted with everything. We've had a lot of people come between us and try to seperate us, but it's never been us that were really unhealthy for the other. More so the third parties have done so much damage to us and have criticized her so much for being friends with me that she's essentially given up on me. I know everyone says I'm better off without a person who would stop being friends with me due to other people but there were legitimate good times over our tenure as friends and it's very difficult to just move past it, even if it may be the best for me. 

[john lennon]

On 2017-09-08 at 0:30 AM, Dazey said:

It's a great way of dealing with sobriety. 

I can totally agree on that one. Still not sure dealing with sobriety is such a good thing though, I mean after all I'll eventually really damage my body ha. 

[Gibson87]

I'd sit down and resolve the issue if I were in your shoes. I don't know either of you but I'd assume that if he/she is your best friend, they'd certainly be open to discussing the problems. Something similar happened with one of my friends last month. I quit talking to him after a huge panic attack that he caused and, much like Axl and Slash, the distance only made me angrier at him. 

[Sosso]

On 8.9.2017 at 2:56 AM, AxlRoseCDII said:

Yeah, she was really my only best friend for the past 5-6 years who I trusted with everything. We've had a lot of people come between us and try to seperate us, but it's never been us that were really unhealthy for the other. More so the third parties have done so much damage to us and have criticized her so much for being friends with me that she's essentially given up on me. I know everyone says I'm better off without a person who would stop being friends with me due to other people but there were legitimate good times over our tenure as friends and it's very difficult to just move past it, even if it may be the best for me. 

I just realised that our situations are very similar

[Graeme]

Tonight, the drummer in my band posted in our group chat to tell us that he doesn't feel he's got time for it anymore and he's leaving. This thread seemed like an appropriate place to let out a bit of how I feel about it. 

I'm gutted, truly, we've been playing music together since 2009, we put together this band in 2012 and it's survived him going to Peru, me going to Mexico twice (and living in England for the best part of two years), our bassist spending two summers in the US. We just kept it really flexible, but knew it was always there to come back to, we'd play on average about 5 shows a year, but they were always days to look forward to. We'd pile all the gear in his car, drive up to Glasgow all singing in the car, play the show, get a big energy buzz, hang out with our friends and then drift back home in the small hours of the morning. I kinda thought we'd just always do it, cause it was set up to not put pressure on our lives.

He works full time, has just started a new relationship and his other hobby, fighting robots, has taken off in the last couple of years as it's become part of a popular TV franchise, he's become reasonably well known through that and now does events throughout the year, even when the TV show isn't going on, so I understand the strains on his time.

I just have no idea what to do about the band without him... I want to have loads more nights like the gigs we've played, I want to keep writing music with those guys, I love the songs we already have and I want to keep playing them. I don't really want to search for another drummer, I think finding someone who is as good as he is would be difficult enough on its own, but finding someone with a personality that fits the band as well as he does would be even more difficult. 

I haven't even written a reply in the social media thread. I don't know what to say.